things to do while your child is in treatment, for the first or 20th time, with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community
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Episode resources:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (Foote, Wilkens)
The Parallel Process (Pozatek)
Hopestream episode 3 with Carrie Wilkens, Ph.D.
Hopestream episode 22 with Julie Jarvis, Ph.D.
Hopestream episode 41 with Nicole Kosanke, Ph.D. and Krissy Pozatek
Hopestream episode 71 - radical self-care
Hopestream episode 23 - should I be having fun when my child is struggling?
All Kinds of Therapy therapist and treatment program finder
Psychology Today therapist finder
Transcript:
01:35
Hello, welcome back, I am super glad to be here today with you. And I just got back from our first ever retreat for stream the members. We had three days together in beautiful San Diego. And what was so amazing about this retreat in particular was because for the last year and a half, we have only known each other on zoom in one dimension. So I feel like y'all many of you who are listening, our dear friends by this point, but we actually got to hug each other, we got to laugh together, cry together, go to the beach together,
02:22
it was just absolutely incredible. And if you missed it, you will definitely want to stay tuned for the next one. Because I have a feeling it's only going to get better over time. Hopefully the next one we want also be navigating COVID. And it's just going to be amazing. So for those of you that were there, just know that I had an amazing time, as so loved getting to know you even better in person, and can't wait to do it again. Today, I have an episode that I have been meaning to do for the longest time. It's a question that we get asked a lot in the stream by members. And it's an email that I respond to all of the time. So I thought, hey, probably would be helpful to do a podcast about what to do when your son or daughter goes to treatment. There are lots of scenarios that lead up to somebody going into treatment. So I'll cover a few of the more common ones. But truly each family goes through your own unique experience when this takes place. So just take what works for you, and leave what might not quite fit or feel right for your family.
03:43
The first scenario is when your son or daughter goes to treatment for the first time. And they are under the age of 18. This is a situation when kids often don't go willingly. And you might have used a transport service to get them to the program that they're in. Or they may have gone willingly or they may be in a program as an alternative to juvenile detention or some other intervention. And what's common about this scenario is there's usually a lot of chaos, a lot of turmoil in your family and in the home. And if you have other kids, they have been impacted by all of this as well. So now you may be sitting in a home that is quiet. And there's a lack of constant worry, anxiety and craziness that you have lived with for a while.
04:42
But just because it's quiet doesn't necessarily mean it is peaceful. It's just different and it's potentially less chaotic. You might be questioning if you've made the right decision. Did you overreact to what you think was going on? Did you underreact and wait too long? Did you ask the right questions when you first call the admissions people, there can be some self-doubt at first, because you may have made this decision in a state of crisis or panic. And you don't feel like you had the bandwidth or the focus to be able to do it, the way that you normally would make a major life decision. So now what the quiet home a feeling of security in that your child's in a safe place, eating healthy food, getting professional help, not putting drugs or alcohol into their body. It's a weirdly disorienting thing sometimes because you have never been right here before. And it's maybe something that you have been thinking about for so long and wondering if it would ever happen. And now it actually happened.
06:03
And based on my own experience and input from lots of mamas in our community in the stream, I wanted to share some ideas for this specific point in time because it is so unique. So number one, sleep, sleep as much as you can, and need to without feeling guilty, it's probably going to be the first time in a long time that you can go to sleep at night, and not worry obsessive, really, for the entire night about what might be happening. So get yourself some earplugs and an eye mask, turn your phone on to airplane mode, because you might not have been able to do that for a long time. And just disappear into some really, really good and much-needed sleep.
06:58
Also try if you can to take a day or two off of work. I know you might be saying but I've already missed so much work. But truly in the long run, this is going to serve you and your employer well, taking one or two of those sick days that you who never want to take because you never want to use them. Take those so that there's a definite marker in time and you have some hours to decompress everything that's been going on. This is especially important if your son or daughter was transported to the program that they're in.
07:38
It is a really highly emotional experience sometimes to see your child, leave your house, maybe it was the middle of the night with people that you don't know, under what is usually some strenuous circumstances. And you really need a day or two to process that with some alone time potentially with your therapist or a coach if you're working with one. And you need to be able to do that without the pressure of work. And of having to show up in a camera-friendly way if you're still working on zoom. Or if you are going into an office or a location, you just need to be able to process through this on your own time and space without people having to be curious about what you just went through. So give yourself that time.
08:33
And even if your child went willingly, there is still a lot of benefit to having 24 or 48 hours, where you can just be as emotional as you need to be to acknowledge that this is hard, this is a really hard thing to go through. Not to feel like you have to keep it all together. If you suddenly feel like you need to cry, or scream or whatever it is that you need to do. Maybe it's going back to what we just talked about and sleep you need to be able to have the ability to do that.
09:07
And when you're off of work for those couple of days, just try to resist the temptation to busy yourself with lots of tasks and projects that you may have put aside. Because you were dealing with your son or daughter in this crisis. There will be time for that. You will have some time to do that. But these first 24 to 48 hours or longer if you can take them I'm all for that. These are all about restoring yourself.
09:38
Third, when you have the mental bandwidth, which might be a week or two after they go to treatment, get to books in particular, if you haven't already read them Beyond Addiction. I'm just gonna say it again. And the Parallel Process by Krissy Pozatek. There are links to both of these in the show notes, these two books will be your starting point at really educating yourself. During this quieter time, your son or daughter's treatment program also will probably have some books that they want you to read. So you know, don't overdo it don't go crazy. But if you're supposed to be reading books for their program prioritize those, there's a good chance that the parallel process is going to be one of them. But beyond addiction, and the 20 minute guide that goes with that is also a really, really good one for this time, I really believe that they should be required reading. For anyone who has a child in treatment.
10:43
You can also go to Hopestream, check out episodes 3, 22 and 41. And in those you will hear from the authors of these books. So Carrie Wilkins from the CMC, the authors of beyond addiction, Julie Jarvis, who also is with CMC, and also Krissy Pozatek, who wrote the Parallel Process. So those are three really good episodes 3, 22 and 41.
11:15
Next, developing a radical self-care practice right now we'll help you sustain this period of time when your son or daughter's in treatment, because it is a time of some relief, for sure. But it's also a time where you're going to be doing a lot of work. And you need to be equipped mentally and physically, spiritually for that work. If you haven't listened to Episode 71, that is one that you may want to go back to. Because it's all about radical self care, it might give you some really good tips here of how to start working this into your life, because it may have been a while since you've been taking care of yourself.
12:01
Also, if you've dropped anything along the way, that helped you in the past, like a hobby, seeing certain friends, exercising, meditating, whatever it is, those are things to start picking back up now. And know that you may need to add some new things into your routine because you're different now, life is different. Now you've had different experiences. And what used to feel good or work might not work anymore. So give yourself a little bit of time to experiment with what is there to really help you take care of yourself.
12:39
It's also important to have a lot of grace with yourself right now, you may look in the mirror and say, Whoa, who is that? She doesn't look like the lady I used to know a few years back or that guy does not look like me. He or she looks old and tired, not very confident. Maybe the shoulders are slouched a little bit. But give yourself a break. Because you have been on a roller coaster in hell basically, many of you. So the fact that you're even standing upright, and that you are able to get your son or your daughter into a safer place is enough for now.
13:23
So just pick one or two things that you want to work on. Go get a pedicure, book a haircut and color. I don't know get a massage to use your medical benefits for yourself. Isn't that a novel idea, actually using medical benefits for yourself, get some acupuncture, whatever you need, this is really the time to focus on you.
13:46
Next, a very, very, very important thing for you to do right now is to find yourself a therapist, if you haven't already gotten one. This is also really going to help your child because they're going to have more insight and self-awareness as they are learning about themselves in whatever program they're in. And I really can't stress enough how critical This is. Don't skip this step. Whatever you need to do to find somebody that you can work with. Preferably, somebody who works with families who have kids and treatment, it's going to be super helpful for them to understand the dynamic in your house. If you have company-sponsored insurance, call your EAP program, they will have resources for you. You can also go to places like psychology today.com, they have great tools, finder for therapy, all kinds of therapy.com will have even a more curated list of programs and services that offer therapy and coaching for parents when they have kids and programs. So spend a little bit of time there to find yourself. That person who is going to go along this journey with you from it. therapeutic standpoint.
15:02
Another thing that you may want to do at this point, depending on what was going on in your house, is to go through your child's room and or their car, and remove any substances and drug paraphernalia that may be hiding in there. And even if your son or daughter went to a program for mental health or behavioral problems, it's still a good idea to at least do this because we often don't have the full picture of what they were doing. And there may be things there that you were not aware of.
15:34
And this can be a hard one. If you're highly triggered by seeing this kind of stuff in your home, this is a really good time to recruit, you know, those friends who are telling you Oh, let me know how can help they're sending you text messages if there's anything I can do. Or if you have a spouse or partner who would be willing to do this with you find somebody who could be a little bit less emotionally involved, to help you do a really thorough search and just take stuff away.
16:05
This is for your own sanity, just to help you clear your home of kind of the practicalities of drugs or alcohol. But also just from an energetic standpoint, just to do a thorough cleansing. Often, our kids’ rooms and their spaces or cars have a lot of negativity associated with them. There's just a lot of icky stuff there. So going through this is really important for that reason.
16:35
But also, it's a safety factor just for down the road, they may have a home visit that comes up. And the last thing you really want is for there to be substances available for them. And you might have to get creative, you might need to use your FBI skills that I know you have developed because you've done a lot of research and you've done a lot of sleuthing to find everything. Or some stuff might be in plain sight. But either way, if it's too hard for you to do this, I really encourage you to take one of your friends up on their offers to help and let them do it.
17:13
The next thing that you might want to consider during this time is some sort of a personal journal or a project where you can express how this time is impacting you. This isn't meant to make their experience your project, right, so you're not taking this on as now. Now they're on treatment. Now this is my next thing to do that this is not what I'm talking about. This is something for you. It's to give yourself an outlet for the feelings, the emotions that you're going to be going through over the next few weeks or months that they're away. Some people write in a journal for themselves. And they might also have a journal that they write in that is specifically letters or thoughts to their child who's in treatment. You never even have to share it with them, you might decide to but you don't have to. But sometimes writing out the feelings that you have, while they're going through this experience. And even leading up to this experience can be really, really healthy for you.
18:21
Another idea is to have a daily gratitude practice, where you intentionally write down or state out loud what you're grateful for about this experience. We tend to focus on what is not going right. So a really simple gratitude practice. Don't overdo this, don't make it into anything that is taxing to your brain or your schedule, which is something very simple can be very, very powerful.
18:50
One mom I know kept a gratitude jar where every day that her son was in treatment, she wrote down on just a little slip of paper, something that she was grateful for. Either about him, you know a quality about him that she really appreciates or about their family experience. She was grateful for some of the resources that she had available to her just little things that helped keep her focused on positivity. And then she allowed him to read through those little slips of paper when he came home for a visit. So that added a really nice element of positivity for him as well. Another mom I know is an artist and she is doing a drawing each day that her son is in treatment. It's her way of being present with their famili’s experience and of expressing what she's going through. And it's such an incredible gift that she has. And it's a great way for her to use that gift is something that's so so meaningful to their family.
19:52
Another family tied a ribbon around a tree in their yard for each day that their daughter was in wilderness. She went to wilderness and then she Went to a residential treatment center. And it was their way of keeping her present in their home without overly focusing on it. So it wasn't some shrine or anything like that, it was just a way for them to symbolically let each of them in the family know and, and to let her know that they were thinking about her. And when she came home, and she saw the tree branches wrapped with hundreds of ribbons, it really meant a lot to her to know that her family had not forgotten about her. And that's something that I hear frequently from kids is that they're really afraid that they have been forgotten about if they're away at wilderness, they can feel really, really disconnected. So to see that was really special to this girl.
20:45
And then the last thing that I'll mention for this circumstance, is that and it's not because it's not important is to spend time, intentional time with any other kids that you have. And if you have a spouse or a partner that he might need some attention to. Or this might be the time when you guys really need to do some damage repair. And I hear it so often that we feel guilty, because so much of our attention has been on our challenging child. And then now with that child out of the home, we can expand more of our energy to our other kids. There are some really good meaningful conversations that can happen now.
21:30
And if you're looking for help on what to say to your other kids, you can listen to Episode 55 with Krissy Pozatek, who wrote the Parallel Process, I mentioned that before. And Dr. Nicole Kosanke, who is with CMC, she's one of the co authors of Beyond Addiction. Those two amazing women joined me for an episode all about how to help your other kids. And so that episode will give you some really practical ideas about things that you can do conversations that you can have with your other kids about what's been going on.
22:03
This might be a time when you can take your other kids away for a short weekend, where you can just have some relaxed downtime, ease some of that tension that's been in the household that everybody kind of gets used to living with, get reconnected with those kids, let them ask questions, you know, you can ask them, Hey, what questions you have about what's going on right now. Or they can just share how they're feeling about everything. And there's something about getting away from the home, that can really allow other kids to open up about that experience.
22:40
And then your partner or spouse may need some additional attention. If you haven't been on the same page about everything that's been going on with your son or daughter, you might want to take this time to see a marriage counselor or a therapist who can help you repair any of those kind of broken pieces of your relationship that might be scattered around on the floor. And just know it happens it is not uncommon. It's so so common for marriages to take a hit during this whole thing when it when we have a kid and treatment. So don't feel like you failed. If your relationship needs some TLC right now is a really good time to do it, to start repairing those disconnections and get on the same page so that when your child comes home, or even while they're in treatment, you and your spouse ex spouse partner can come at it from a united front.
23:38
So you may also be in a slightly different situation where you have an adult child who just went to treatment for the nth time. So you've been around the block. And this is not your first rodeo, you might be feeling cautiously optimistic, or you may be even completely neutral about it because you've been here too many times before. And you can't allow yourself to get hopeful again, only to be let down and feel the devastation that can happen if they relapse for you some of the things that we just talked about still apply, making sure that your self care is on point. Continuing with your things that keep you grounded. habits and practices that keep your mind from spiraling into dark and pessimistic places. And of course, having your therapist.
24:30
For you this is part of life. You know the highs and the lows that come with having a young adult or an adult child who is trying and then falling down and then getting back up and trying again and falling down. And you just know that you can't get emotionally attached to the idea that this is going to be the time it sticks. It's kind of like when you are buying a house and you look at so many houses and if you allow your yourself to get emotionally attached and you mentally move into one of those houses. When your offer doesn't get accepted, you feel so sad. And it's like a piece of you has been taken away. So you have to be really careful about that.
25:14
So if this isn't the first time that your son or daughter is going to treatment, you've got a slightly nuanced set of work to do, because the goal is to keep yourself in a state of mind. And in a physical state, where you can live your life, irrespective of what they're doing. And it's not that these things don't apply to you, if you have the younger child, these are still going to apply to you. So don't stop listening now that these are things that are in particular, even more important to somebody who's been through this multiple times. And I know that it is impossible not to let this affect your life. So that's not what we're saying is that Oh, you can just, you know, have this mindset where I'm not gonna let this bother me.
26:00
As a parent, there is just no way to fully compartmentalize our heart like that. But if you don't have some level of compartmentalization, you'll end up living in a state of sadness, and depression, and frustration that will rob you of all the things that you need and deserve from life. For you, this becomes a daily routine of four things, self awareness, mindfulness, acceptance, and boundaries. So we'll go through each of those. And again, these all still apply if you have a younger adolescent or young adult in a treatment program as well.
26:41
Self Awareness is to be able to know when you are getting sucked into the drama, or the fear that accompanies our kids lives. Because unless you're aware of your own self and your body, you'll be moving through life, I kind of think of it like the ball in a pinball machine, just being tossed around here and there until you're completely dizzy. So self awareness, knowing yourself, knowing your body, knowing how you're responding, and knowing how your body and your mind best respond to be able to cope.
27:19
Mindfulness will help you find that calm in the center of the hurricane. Because you've been dealing with this for a while now. And some of you have been dealing with this for decades, you have to find that a center of the storm or you will just be swirling and swirling until you get so tight and twisted, your body starts to give out on you. And mindfulness can look so many different ways. It could be traditional meditation, it might be walking in the woods, spending time on the water, bird watching creating art, whatever it is for you that you can get into an experience, calm and focus, even though there might be craziness going on around you. So that is your mindfulness practice.
28:15
Acceptance is a pre requisite to change, it is not possible for you to make true and lasting change in your life. Until you accept what is happening. This does not mean that you have to like it. And it doesn't mean that you have to approve of it. It doesn't mean that you're approving of what your son or daughter is doing or how they're living or what they're doing with their career or what they're doing with their relationships or their bodies. It simply means that you say, this is what is happening. I'm not going to deny it. I am not going to try to rationalize it away or pretend like it's less than it is, I accept it is in my life. Once you get to that point, that is when you can start to change yourself, how you respond to situations, how you choose to prioritize your own life and your happiness. So acceptance is a huge part of this for all parents, all parents regardless of the age of your child.
29:18
And then finally, boundaries. Boundaries are so so important for all parents. Boundaries are what will keep you emotionally safe, physically safe and comfortable and able to function. Boundaries will keep you from becoming twisted up in the drama of your son or daughter's life. When they decide to bail on treatment after a week if they're over if they're 18 or older. Or when they ask you if your home could be their next new sober living situation. And if boundaries have been your weak link, and your son or daughter isn't treatment right now, at least Even temporarily, this is the time to work on those. So when they're out again, you know what you can and can't or won't live with.
30:10
So, exhale, deep breaths. This is your time. This is when you realize the extent of what you've been living with. This is when you understand why your body has been hurting, or why you've been getting sick more than usual. This is when you stop. And if you have times, when you feel guilty, that you are out and about enjoying lunch with a friend, or you're finally trying that yoga class that you've been seeing online, or you actually take a vacation with your husband or wife or partner, the rest of your family, if that happens, you're feeling guilty, stop, breathe, know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. And so are they.
31:09
it can feel like you shouldn't be having fun or enjoying this time. After all, they could potentially be in a situation where they are not able to leave on their own freewill if they're under 18. And that can be a hard thing to sit with. And if that's the case, if they're under 18, and they're let's say they're in a wilderness program or residential program, you have just given them the most generous and precious gift possible. It might be disguised as something that they don't want right now. But you did it for a reason. And that reason is their health and safety.
31:49
And it's a strange time, because on the one hand, you feel this huge relief. And on the other hand, you might feel nervous and anxious or guilty. And that's okay. That's why you are finding that outlet for all the emotions as they come. Whether you're journaling, you're creating an artwork, you're rock climbing, whatever it is, let yourself feel them all.
32:17
Thank you so much. Friends, I truly do understand the ups and downs of this time. It can be wild, it can also be a time where you have a lot of questions about what's going on what's normal, what's not normal. If that's the position that you're in, I really want to invite you to check out the online space where a bunch of incredible moms do stuff like this together, it's called the stream, we have a group specifically for moms who have kids in treatment programs. So if you join, you can join that group, and you will meet other people who are going through the same experience. Same I should say in similar ways, obviously not exactly your experience. But the great thing is about having that group around you is there are people in that group who might just be a few months ahead of you. And they can share their experiences with you as well, which can be really, really incredible. It can be so helpful just to have a team around you who knows where you are, they know what you're going through. So if that sounds good, be sure to check it out at www.thestreamcommunity.com. I think you have to put in the www somebody told me that the other day, so be sure to do that. It's free for two weeks, you can come in you can meet us come to some events that we have. See what we're all about. And if you feel like it's a good source of support for you, then you just stay and you pay what you can.
33:46
So we have kind of a unique membership model. It's pay what you can no questions asked. The important thing is that you get the support that you need.
Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to go to the show notes, you can always find those at BrendaZane.com/podcast. Each episode is listed there with full transcript, all of the resources that we mentioned, as well as a place to leave comments if you would like to do that. You might also want to download a free ebook I wrote called Hindsight. Three things I wish I knew when my son was addicted to drugs. It's full of the information I wish I would have known when my son was struggling with his addiction. You can grab that at www.BrendaZane.com/hindsight. Thanks again for listening and I will meet you right back here next week.