don't get derailed by change, plan for it when you have a teen or young adult child who struggles with substances or addiction, with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
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About this episode:
If there is one thing you can count on when your child is misusing substances, struggling with addiction, and the mental health issues that come with it - it's change. Change is a constant, and you can either have your world capsized by it, or you can be intentional about planning for it to lessen its impact on you and your family. Based on lessons learned from my own experience and that of the hundreds of families I work with, this episode will help you prepare emotionally and practically when things go right and when things go wrong.
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Speakers: Brenda Zane
Hello and welcome. You are listening to Hopestream. If you're parenting a teen or young adult child, who's experimenting with drugs and alcohol or who's in active addiction, currently in a treatment program or in those early stages of recovery. You're in the right place. I am Brenda Zane, your host, and a mom who has been there. So just take a minute to exhale. No, you're in really good company. And this is your place to soak up some support and understanding and really great information. You can learn more about me and the work I do to serve parents like you at www.Brendazane.com.
Well, I get to chat with you today, which I always love. And before we dive into our topic, About change and plans and all of that. I wanted to do a little check-in and just see how you're doing. It feels to me that we're in a constant state of motion and moving, and we tend to rush. To find the next thing.
The new resource, the most updated book or program or podcast or whatever. And sometimes what we really need to do is low down. Press the pause button. Which I [00:01:30] think we would all love to have right in the middle of our foreheads. And just come to a full stop. When we're working on changing ourselves and we're also looking for ways that we can help our kids.
It can be tempting to chase and push the press on. To always be in fast forward mode. And if we're always in fast forward mode, looking ahead. We forget that we already have a lot of knowledge and wisdom. Right between our ears and right in our gut and our heart.
But we have to get slow enough and quiet enough to hear that wisdom. To feel it seeped through us and to allow ourselves to trust what we know to be true. It feels more comfortable sometimes. To push that aside. And just keep going. So, if you can, I would encourage you to try this little experiment.
Set your phone stopwatch for one minute. And I actually mean right now, Set your stopwatch for one minute. And then press the pause button on whatever device it is that you're listening to me on right now. And if you're not driving or walking, because that would be dangerous, close your eyes and breathe.
For one minute. If you're outside walking, maybe you can just step off the path or wherever you are. So you don't get hit by a bike. And do this breathing in the fresh air, which feels [00:03:00] amazing. I know it is hard to do. It doesn't come naturally. It's very difficult for us to slow down. And so that's why we experiment with things like this. We just try them and we gather information.
So if you're ready. Actually try this right now. Start your minute, watch and press pause. And I will be here when you come back.
Okay, we're back. How was that? Did it feel hard? Was it refreshing? Uh, or frustrating or scary. Again, just gathering information. And that will help you dial in on what you might need to add into your days. Just to slow down. Maybe you're not a silence person. Maybe you need to have a minute with music or you need to have some white noise going, or maybe you're the kind of person who would rather be out walking and observe the sky. And that brings you calm.
Whatever it is for you, that will help you slow down. And be more intentional is what you can focus on a little bit each day.
Well, I won't offer any more weird experiments today because I do want to get into a topic. That I wish I had learned more about when I was in the middle of this experience with my son. And that is the idea of change and planning for it. Because I work with so many families. Who are in various stages of this journey [00:04:30] with their kids.
I see things. And one of the things I see often. Is the level of stress and chaos that change can bring. And change. Doesn't have to completely capsize your life if you plan for it. So that's what I want to talk about today. I have to admit. I am not the world's biggest planner. I tend to go with the flow. And usually that works out pretty well for me.
Right now. However it did not work for me. And it probably won't work as well for you. If you have a child who is doing all of the things that our kids do, if they're misusing substances, Or if they're having challenges with their mental health. I wouldn't recommend the go with the flow approach so much. If that's the case.
It just leaves too much to chance and it leaves you vulnerable to the moods and the situations that inevitably come with these kids.
So the option to falling prey, to the massive highs and lows of this rollercoaster is to actually plan for them. Which means instead of being blown around in the storm, You actually have some footing to stand on. Now I want to be sure to state something clearly upfront. This is not about doomsday planning.
Please, please. Don't go into this with a mindset of, oh, I am making plans because everything's going to fall apart. Everything's going to get really bad and ugly. [00:06:00] This is not that. So it's important to have a mindset of, Hey, Things happen. Things change. Both in good and bad ways. So the more that I've thought through those things, the better off I can be.
So not doomsday. Okay. That is really important to be clear about. This practice is not meant to cause stress it's actually meant to ease it. It can help you think about 10 things instead of 50. When change happens, it helps you stay calm and model control and it makes you less emotionally erratic.
So what kinds of change am I talking about? I hear a few and you know, the specifics and the change that's happening in your own family. Your child may agree to get help. And they may refuse help if you're doing a more sort of formalized type of intervention. So either of those is a big change, getting help or refusing help.
There may be a change in school status, whether that's high school or college. There may be an emergency medical stay, or you may have a visit to the hospital.
Your child might turn 18 and that comes with a set of change. There may be legal trouble or interaction with the law. There are changes in living situations, your son or daughter transitions from one program to another. Or comes home. Or runs away.
You might decide to work with an [00:07:30] educational consultant or somebody else who can help you navigate treatment options.
Of course, there are a million more changes that happen. But these are common ones that I see can throw families into panic mode. The main thing to know is regardless of where you are right now. At this moment. Things are going to change. That's a guarantee. And so let's talk about some of the ways that you can set yourself up.
For the best possible outcome. Knowing, of course you are never going to cover every single variable.
The first category of ways to prepare. For good and difficult change. Our emotional plans. And I know it might sound kind of funny to make a plan for your emotions. But it's actually. An incredibly powerful way to take control of these disruptive situ. Situations. If we don't plan for emotional ups and downs, they come and we can feel like a tornado just hit us. And.
And we're sideswiped. For hours or days or weeks. And in those times we are less effective for helping our kids.
We're also not modeling self-control or emotional regulation,
which ideally is something we'd like to have our kids see in us. So here are some areas that you can think about ahead of time. Again, Not doomsday planning, just thinking through and writing out your response should one of these changes happen. So first who is on my [00:09:00] team. It's a really good question to ask yourself.
And I really encourage you to assemble a team. That will be your go-to people during this time with your child. And it can be a mix of family and friends and paid professionals. Who played different roles in your life and who know what's going on? And you can turn to them at any time. These are your people. These are your stability people.
Your team is your lifeline. So spend some time being thoughtful about who is on that team.
Another question to ask. To yourself is what are my healthy coping plans. Both in the short and the longterm. So in the moment when you get news. Or you find something or there's an incident. What tools are you going to use to stay stable and calm? What are the healthy ways that you can model to your.
Son or daughter that show them. That crisis doesn't have to be solved. Solved with numbing or substances. And by the way, everyone in your family is watching when there is change. And so this isn't just for your child who is struggling. This is for siblings. And other family members and partners and spouses as well.
And then in the longterm, meaning maybe six months to a year. What is my. I plan for keeping myself healthy and grounded. How am I going to persevere through this challenge? And remain same.[00:10:30] How can I make myself more emotionally durable? To the impact of what is going on right now in my family.
another good question. How will I recognize and celebrate wins, whether they're big or small. Sometimes I'll be talking with a mom or dad and they'll say something that their child has done recently. That's on the positive side. It's definitely more on the positive than the negative.
And they kind of gloss over it. And I always say, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We need to celebrate that. It might be a small thing, but it's a small thing. In the right direction. So being sure to recognize these little wins is really important. Maybe you decide to keep a wind journal. And the only things that go in that journal are the positive shifts that you see in your child and in your family in general.
Or maybe you treat yourself to your favorite coffee drink when you celebrate something. Just make sure and recognize them and don't let them slide by uncelebrated.
Another question to ask is how will my partner and or spouse and I interact, what are our agreements? I don't need to tell you the number that this experience does on a marriage or relationship. It can be devastating if it's just left to the winds of the drama and the turbulence of your son or daughter's experiences.
So investing in some [00:12:00] couples, counseling is definitely worth it for a while. As you go through this, if that's available, I highly recommend. Shoring up your relationship, adding that counselor or therapist to your team. And if that's not available. Then try to be really intentional about talking through. What are our agreements about how we act with each other, how we show up with each other, especially in front of our child, especially in front of our other children. So we have a plan and we are not just at the whim of these emotions. Again, this is true both. For good and challenging times.
Another way that you can be planning for the emotions is to ask what are the things that help stabilize me emotionally? Taking some time to figure this out. Really needs to be a priority. And we are talking at a pretty practical level. If you're a mom and you think that hormones and menopause may be playing a part in your emotional regulation.
I get to your doctor Pronto pulleys, because there are ways to mitigate the mood swings and all of the I'll put it in air quotes choice. That come with this season of being a woman. And if this sounds like you, please find episode 1 0 9, which has all about this perfect storm of navigating challenging kids and menopause. It's with my own [00:13:30] doctor who has helped me through this whole ordeal. So episode 1 0 9 will definitely be your friend.
And knowing what kinds of things trigger you? And writing those down and listing out what helps with them. We'll be incredibly helpful in calming. And those things might be drinking less working less, or at least having more structured hours for your work.
Spending less time with certain people. Getting some more whole food in your body. Moving more. Or maybe different sleep habits and patterns. All of these things are going to impact the way that you react emotionally when change happens.
Okay. So those are some of the emotional aspects that you can plan for, again, it might feel a bit strange to think about. Thinking through those, but you will be surprised at how not leaving those things. To chance can make you feel so much more in control and empowered Rather than feeling helpless.
So the next area to make plans for are on the more practical side of the equation. And I think this is where our heads tend to go first. Which is why I started with the less obvious emotional ones. Again, Please do not go into a downward spiral on this. Consider this your proactive way. I've just making sure that you remain as much in control as possible when you're dealing with a lot of [00:15:00] unknowns.
So probably the most helpful thing you can do from a practical standpoint is to have what I call a packet. And this might be physical or it might be digital. And this has your medical insurance information and your financial accounts and details and contact information in it. This alone, if you do nothing else.
I will save you time and anxiety when you need it. You might want to have it physically printed out. You might want to have it in a Google drive. You might want to have it on your desktop. Whatever you can find it quickly without having to think about it at all. The other equally helpful thing that you can do is to have some sort of a document or a folder.
With all of your child's medical information and other pertinent histories in one place. That includes even small details like allergies, prescription information, classes, and contacts. What kind of medications they have been on what they might be on now, the doses pharmacy information, all of it in one place.
If you have already been on this path for a while. You know how often you have to retell the story and recount this information. And the history of everything that's happened. So spend a little bit of time documenting this, including dates. Medical diagnoses all of the things that have happened and have that in one place. It [00:16:30] does take some time. But in the end, it will save you so much anxiety. And stress.
Also pull together any treatment or professional contact information that you have over the course of time as you contact programs and therapists and counselors. Schools, you are going to want to have all of that documented. With contact information and notes. This will help you remember who you talked to about what? Because over time it can get very jumbled. And if it's in one document, either in a spreadsheet, in a Google doc,
And the Google sheet, it will all be in one place and you won't have to be searching for it. depending on what's going. On, I often recommend that you have an attorney contact in this file. Now it might not be relevant at the moment. But if your son or daughter has tipped their toe into legal trouble or you feel.
Like that might be coming. You may need somebody to consult with. So having somebody who you've talked to and trust is super. Super important. And trust me on this one from the voice of experience. You do not want to have to find a good attorney in a hurry under duress. This is somebody that you want to find way before you need them.
You might also. Also want to identify a family member as a point person for communication. If at some point you get overwhelmed by anything. It. It is better for you to not have to be the person who is calling and texting. Sting [00:18:00] a million people to relay information. You'll be very glad you did a little bit of prep work here. Try to assign this to somebody who's highly rational, highly organized, and.
Not as emotionally attached to the situation as you are.
Also right at the top of the list is your go plan. And what I mean by go plan is if you're at the stage where you're looking at treatment options. You might only have a small window to act in. So being practically prepared is really critical.
Remember, you've already thought through your emotional go-to for this time. So right now we're just talking about practicality. If you've listened to episode one of host dream, you heard my story about when my son finally agreed to go back to treatment. After he was in jail and unfortunately, I did not have anything.
Thing planned at all. I didn't have a program lined up. I didn't have air miles figured out. I didn't even know the password to log into my airline. Account. So, this is literally you figuring out some of these things. Because of when somebody agrees to go to treatment. You often have to act very quickly or that moment.
Might be gone. So you may want to have a bag packed, have extra medications. No, who's going to take care of any pets or other siblings or other kids that might be in the home.
All the little details that will require so [00:19:30] much of your attention in the moment. That you really don't want to have to do. If you've already coordinated or at least thought through some of these things, it is way less for you to navigate in a time of crisis or urgency.
Next your work. This is a tricky one. I know. Trust me because I disappeared from work on a Friday. And I didn't come back for six weeks. This is when my son overdosed and only one person at my work even knew that I was. Was dealing with anything. Which made everything. Very complicated. So if at all,
Possible. And I know this is a touchy one. Tell someone at work, what is going on and make them your point. Person in case you need to take time off quickly without a lot of explanation. Again, this will lower your stress. Levels so much, and it will help you expend your energy on your child and the current situation.
And their needs instead of worrying about work and how you're going to figure out. That whole scenario.
Another really important thing to do is to proactively. Get medical power. Power of attorney. If your child is over 18. This is something they. We need to agree with and approve. So there's some work to be done. But the alternative. is. If something happens while your child is away at college, or if your.
Our son or daughter is older and living away from you. You will have zero access. Yes to [00:21:00] information or decision-making. Unless you have this document. I am not a lawyer. So I am not even going to touch the details on this. But you want to work with somebody in family law to help you with this. Again,
Speaking from experience. There is no worse feeling. Than to have your child in the hospital. Unconscious. And not be allowed. To know what happened to them or to make any decisions if they. They are incapacitated to make their own. This is a really, really difficult emotional place to think about.
But it is an incredibly important conversation to have with them. And to make some plans around this.
Another really practical thing that you can plan for is simply to know all of your financial accounts and how to check their status. And how to change your passwords. The number of. Of parents. I talked to who, tell me horror stories. Trees of financial chaos because their child got access to. Their accounts.
Could fill a small stadium. Our kids are genius. And they are resourceful. And unfortunately at times, if substances are involved, They will do things that we would never imagine they would do. An. Accessing bank accounts or stock and investment accounts is very. Common. So just know where all of your information is. And [00:22:30] it's not a bad idea to randomly change your passwords anyway. This alone could save you months and even years of untangling money problems.
Now, remember I said, this is not doomsday planning and based on all that I just went through, it might start to feel like that. But it's also important to plan for the good days. The times when your son or daughter is healthy and doing well. Making positive changes and really. Working on it.
These times can either be consumed with you walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or you can be proactive about them. Recognize them as victories. And celebrate them.
This doesn't mean you have to throw a party or anything. That maybe you start a new tradition and do a weekly breakfast at your favorite diner, or you do a Sunday hike and a stop at a food truck. Whatever is enjoyable for you and your child. Make those intentional and really mark the progress. They're.
We're making.
Of course, there may also be things going on that you're not so thrilled about. But one of the key principles that we talk about is positive reinforcement. And this is where you can really do that in a meaningful way.
Don't focus on. What's not going well, focus. On what is,
and depending on your kid's age and how they're doing. These times might be when you and your spouse or partner can get away for a small break. Doing some, one to two [00:24:00] day getaways, when your child's doing well, can work wonders for your relationship. But it does take planning.
If all of this feels overwhelming, I would recommend picking one thing that tends to upset your apple cart. The most. And start there. Don't worry about. The longer list. Just take one thing at a time. Sort out what you can do to lower the level anxiety or drama around that. And focus there.
Then, if that goes well. And you find that it's worth spending a little bit of time planning. You can move on to the next thing. And I also want to mention that if you're in a marriage or relationship, or if you have a good working ex relationship. This is something really good to do with them because things that rattle you and get you in a dysregulated state may not frazzle them at all. And then you can work together to help each other through these.
So don't do it in a vacuum because it can really be more effective if you're teamed up and helping each other. And making these agreements about how you want to show up in these moments.
This is a lot. It's a lot. Please give yourself grace to know that you are doing the absolute best you can. And these ideas and the things that we talk about here on hope stream week after week. Are just options that come from a lot of experience. [00:25:30] And a lot of different people's lives. But they're not meant to make you feel overwhelmed or like you're not doing enough.
You are doing enough. Just having this in your ears right now is more than a lot of people will ever do. So breathe. Go back to that one minute of hitting the pause button. And no you're on the right path. This experience with your child. Is most likely going to get filed in the most difficult days, weeks, months, or maybe years of my life category. Category meaning. When you're 80 or 90 sitting in your rocking chair. You're going to be talking with someone and you'll likely say that. When my son or my daughter was living this crazy life, using drugs and alcohol to cope and running me in circles.
Those were the most difficult times of my life. So give yourself a break today. If you're feeling like you're not doing anything well, You are, you're doing so much and you're learning more every week that you're here. With me and with the guests I bring on.
And at some point. This all is going to be. Or mostly be in the rear view mirror. Less urgent in your life. And you may be helping someone else through it. And you'll have so much kindness and empathy for them because of what you're dealing with right now.
I [00:27:00] want to leave you with a question today. When this is in the rear view mirror or less urgent in your life. And you look back on these days. Days like today days like yesterday. What is it that you want to be proud of? If you can answer that. It'll tell you what to keep focused on today. And today. Is all we have. I love these episodes where I can share with you from my ocean of experience and learning. And if you want to dive in a little deeper, I wrote an ebook that you can download for free. It's called hindsight three things. I wish I knew when my son was misusing drugs.
And it'll help give you some insight as to what your son or daughter might be doing right now. If you are scratching your head wondering. And it will also help you find ways that you can be healthier while you're on the rollercoaster with them. You can get that@brendazane.com forward slash hindsight.
And I also send a weekly email that you can get. If you want, that you can go to Brenda zane.com forward slash email. And of course, if you're a mom. And you want a village around you to do all of this hard work. You can check out the private community I created. Because I couldn't find one. And it's called the stream.
And you can learn more@thestreamcommunity.com.
We would love to have you there. It's where I hang out after the episodes with over a hundred and thirties, [00:28:30] odd, incredible moms all going through this. And who all totally get it. Okay. My friend be strong. I'm sending you so much love and positivity. And I will see you right back here next week.