On not giving up
"He's manipulating you."
"You know he's lying right to your face!"
"If you do that you're just enabling him."
"He said he would never do that again, and there he goes..."
As the parent of, or for anyone who's supporting someone with a drug use problem, these are common exasperations and statements that come along with the erratic, illogical and very hurtful behavior that is one of the most common and infuriating symptoms of an addicted brain.
These statements also make you, as a parent, friend, sibling or spouse, feel completely confused and overwhelmed because the last thing you want to do is encourage or enable the crazy and damaging behavior, but at the same time you know you can't give up on this person you love (and used to know & recognize) - so what are you supposed to do? DO NOT GIVE UP. If you're at that point (we all get there) please keep reading.
This tug of war we play with those we love in the addiction battle is physically and mentally exhausting, makes you incredibly guilt-ridden and makes you question every single decision because that decision may be the one that sends him or her back on the street, back to their dealer - or - could also be the decision that turns them in the direction of treatment, or even just one more hour or day without using. The problem is you never know what way it'll go. And even if you did, it wouldn't be the same from day to day because there is nothing even slightly normal or predictable when you love someone who's in the battle with addiction.
I wish I had learned more about the C.R.A.F.T. model (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) of intervention when we were in the hellish middle of our family's struggle because it teaches you how to naturally move the person in addiction toward actions that help themselves and motivate them to change. And it works. The alternative is a useless combination of yelling, screaming, begging, pleading, shutting out, blaming, distancing, more yelling, threatening, prodding, more begging...you understand. The CRAFT model works to affect the addicted person's behavior by changing the way the family interacts with him or her. It's designed to accomplish three goals:
1. When a loved one is abusing substances and refusing to get help, CRAFT helps families move their loved one toward treatment.
2. CRAFT helps reduce the loved one’s alcohol and drug use, whether or not the loved one has engaged in treatment yet.
3. CRAFT improves the lives of the concerned family and friends.
This 20 minute parent guide is an amazingly helpful and free resource from the Center for Motivation and Change if you just want to get started with some very practical tips and actions. You can learn more about the founders/authors of the Center for Motivation and Change here.
I can speak from experience that following the recommendations of this model helped our family move from feeling completely helpless and crazy with multiple unsuccessful attempts at getting our son into treatment to having a (small) level of sanity and control that allowed us to take a deep breath, put some guardrails in place and take back some of the power that he held over the entire family. What we found didn't work was direct confrontation and threats to detach our son from his family (worst possible thing to do!) but at the time I/we didn't have the tools to know how to do anything different.
CRAFT doesn't mean your addicted loved one gets to do whatever they want - quite the opposite. HBO profiled this model in its ADDICTION series - I highly recommend spending some time viewing the segments in the series if you want to learn more about the learnings that are now being applied to treating this disease.
The key is not to give up. It's the most painful thing to do but even at his worst, whenever I saw my son I would look him in the eyes and tell him I would NEVER give up on him. I knew my boy was in there somewhere and was determined to stay with the stranger that inhabited his body until the son I knew returned. Now, after a year in recovery, he's able to recognize what that took and has thanked me, many times.