how to navigate life and conversations when your world is falling apart with Brenda Zane

Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community

The Stream Community: online and app-based community for moms of kids experimenting with or addicted to drugs or alcohol

Free ebook: “HINDSIGHT: 3 Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted to Drugs, by Brenda Zane. Download here

Show Transcript:

SPEAKERS

Brenda Zane

00:55

Welcome to another episode of Hopestream. I want to start out by saying that if you're listening today, I want to say good for you. If you're listening in, that means you're attempting to do something to help yourself, to learn something, to feel supported to be part of a community. And at the time I'm recording this, it is mid September 2020. And I'm in Seattle, which means I am under a blanket of smoke, along with being, you know, in the midst of COVID like everybody else. And I know most of the West Coast is also under a blanket of smoke. It is just so depressing and so exhausting. And it just feels like this heavy weight is is on us and even heavier weight than everything else has been going on in 2020. So I just wanted to take a minute before we dive in to recognize you as the listener who is making a positive move today and doing something that is going to help you. Or maybe you're listening because you have a friend who's going through a really hard time. And I just want to recognize that. That's amazing. It's amazing that in these times and what we're going through that you're still pushing forward and looking for positivity. So hands up to you for that. 

02:28

This episode is one that I know a lot of people need to hear. And I know this one because I've lived it. But also, I know because it was the theme of one of my weekly emails that I send out. And so many people reply to this email and said, Yes, I needed to hear that. And so I figured that I should expand a little bit on it in a podcast episode. And by the way, if you want to get my weekly email, it's just it's not spammy. It's not selling anything, it's just a weekly email that I send out with some positive thoughts with some lessons learned. And if you want to get on that, you can just go to my website BrendaZane.com and sign up there. 

03:12

So let me start with a scenario that you may be familiar with. Your teen or your young adult child isn't doing well. They might be actively misusing substances. They might be living in full blown addiction, or they may even be in a treatment program, you know that they might be in wilderness therapy or a 30 day sort of detox and addiction treatment program. But whatever it is, their life has sort of gone off the rails somewhere along the way, and you are feeling the whiplash effect of that chaos in your life. It's also pretty likely that hardly anyone outside of your household knows what's going on, or at least knows the full extent of what's going on. So us mama's in particular, but dads too, in general are so good at evading the conversation, or minimizing the reality, mostly because we just can't cope with having the conversation about our kids, but also because we feel like our kids situation somehow reflects on our parenting skills. We think people are looking at us, and I think sometimes they are, I know sometimes they are, and they're thinking, "what happened in their family?" like what was going on that their kid or maybe their kids, there's a lot of families who have two kids who are affected either by substance use or with just some really serious emotional problems. And so we feel that people are thinking that about us or talking about us, and so we stay quiet, we minimize what's going on. And we really shut down and so then all of that motion and all that pain. And all of that anxiety gets bottled up inside of us. 

05:03

And then when you're with people, or you're talking with people who aren't in our situation, so their kids are thriving, and they're living these positive, healthy lives, and the conversation turns to what's going on in their lives, and our friends will say something like, "Well, Evan applied for XYZ college, and that's where he really, really wants to go. But he didn't get in. So he's on the waitlist. And he's really been so angry and depressed for a whole week, and it's just killing him, and it's killing me." Or your friend might say, "Sara and her boyfriend broke up and he was so awesome. He was so great. I think he could have been the one for her. It's so sad. You know, she's just lost and she looks sad all the time. I feel so bad for her." And these are real issues for your friend and for their kids. But it can be hard to feel their pain because yours is so different. And it's so much more dramatic from a standpoint that your worries are more about your child's mental and physical well being, and in some cases, even their life. So you are worried, you know, each day whether your child's even going to be alive or whether you're going to get a phone call from the jail - that dreaded collect call from the jail, or you might be getting a call from a hospital, from the police. It's just a entirely different scale of issues and problems and things that you're worried about.

06:43

So you may have this moment where all of this comes to a head and you kind of lose your cool with your friends or your family who are genuinely worried about things like college and you know, their kids relationships and their missed vacations because of COVID and other normal things that normal people worry about when their child's life isn't at risk. And what happens is, sometimes we blow up, and we tell them that their problems are superficial or negligible, and that you would pay cash money to have those as your biggest problem. And there's usually a lot of tears involved here. And your friends and family kind of back up like, ooh, you know, it's like they've unknowingly touched a hot stove. And it's basically a hot mess. And they feel bad for you, and they wish they could do something, but they don't know what to do. And they also don't know what might set you off at any given moment or how you're going to respond to their conversations, which makes for very awkward interactions. And there's often a lot of really hurt feelings. 

07:52

And so what happens then if you've had this experience a couple of times, you tend to avoid social gathering Which right now during COVID are limited anyway. But you know that these gatherings or even these conversations that you might be having on the phone are going to potentially spark an emotional flame in you. And you know that these things are going to come up and it's just easier to not have them at all. So you spare yourself and you spare other people, the drama of you falling apart. But what happens then is you end up becoming more isolated. And really feeling alone in this journey, when what you really need is the opposite, right? You need support and you need strength around you. And it gets really tricky. And so this is why I wanted to talk about this today and to dedicate an episode, really to talk about falling apart. 

08:50

I have a couple of thoughts about this, about handling it and navigating through the hardest times that we go through with a little bit grace, and hopefully a little bit less drama. First of all, please tell yourself it's perfectly okay to fall apart every once in a while. Think about it this way, if you had a friend with a daughter or son who was in touching go health situation, like maybe they have a brain tumor, or they have advanced advanced stage cancer, would you expect your friend to keep it together 100% all the time, knew you would probably bring her some food and offer to sit on the couch and just hold her hand while she cried. So please don't set the expectation for yourself that you can do this by yourself and be fine all the time. 

09:43

And second, for a while, you might want to limit your socializing to people who have either been through what you're going through or who are close enough to you to be very sensitive to your current life situation. And this might sound dramatic, but again, For your sanity and your mental wellness, you need to insulate yourself with a kind of this protective bubble of people who aren't going to trigger your emotions right now. And sometimes this is even easier on the other people in our life because they might be walking on eggshells around you, not knowing when they're going to say the wrong thing, or when their comment is going to trigger something in you that causes you to fall apart. 

10:28

And I'm also going to throw in something to consider here. And this is a lesson that I learned personally. That is if you're going to be around people who aren't going through what you're going through, and who might not have that sort of heightened level of sensitivity that you need right now. I would encourage you to think about limiting or even eliminating alcohol while you're with them. And you may be saying I will need some wine or whatever your preferred beverages in order to deal with these people. And I completely get the thinking behind that.

11:04

But as an experiment, I would encourage you to try just cutting back or not drinking at all when you're with these people and see how it goes. And the reasoning behind this is that alcohol tends to make us more emotional. And it changes our perspective on things and lowers your inhibitions. So, this means when your girlfriend is complaining about her daughter's newest lip piercings and how they are going to ruin her chances at a real job, you are less likely to explode on her and tell her to get a real problem. Not that I would know anything about this situation. But I would just say it's probably worth trying this experiment, because you might really be surprised at how much better you're able to navigate some of these conversations if your brain isn't impacted by alcohol. 

11:55

And then third, you're going to need to start learning some new skills. To adapt to this new environment, depending on how long you've been kind of sailing on this rough journey, you might need to get your sea legs and what I mean by that is, imagine you're on a boat in the middle of a stormy ocean and the boat is rocking up and down and side to side huge waves all around you. And every once in a while this huge gust of wind comes and it almost kind of swipes you off the boat into the water so you're just hanging on. And if you continue to try and standstill with straight legs like you always have in life on that boat, you are first of all going to be exhausted. And also there's a good chance that you are going to end up in the water. And you're probably not going to have time to grab a life jacket. But if you kind of change your stance and you bend and you move and you're flexible and you can keep your body upright, even when the boat is rocking, you're going to be way better off. 

13:01

It does take time to learn this. And you kind of you need some fellow sailors around you, if you will and a captain to teach you the best footing you know where to place your feet, how to hold your body, they're going to show you the right shoes to wear and how to watch out ahead off the bow of the boat for the really big waves. And this is your team. This is the the team of people that you need to gather into your life ASAP, who are going to help you through this experience. 

13:32

And when you're trying to keep it together, even when your life is falling apart. It's important to get really real with those people who are close to you and who you're likely going to be around and having conversations with and interacting with during this time in your life in this really difficult season. And it is perfectly fine for you to say something like, "I just want to let you know I'm in a very challenged is in place right now. So if I overreact or if I say something insensitive please know, I am not attacking you." Or if somebody asks how your son or your daughter is, and you just know that you're not going to be able to make it through that conversation, you are 100% allowed to say, "Wow, thank you so much for asking. We're in a really hard place right now. And I might fall apart if I talk about it. So let's talk in a while when I'm in a better place." And if you kind of, you know, have a humorous personality, you can always work in something like, "oh, gosh, I just applied my makeup and in my mascara will run all down my face if I start talking about this because I'll cry. Let me catch you up in a few weeks or in a month," or whatever it is. So it just takes the edge off for that other person and lets them know where you are.

14:58

It kind of lets them see where you are in context with kind of normal day to day life, and having these conversations and it will help them avoid kind of walking on those eggshells. And these statements are honest, they're perfectly fine to have. And they allow you not to have to have a conversation that you don't want to have or that you aren't ready to have. And then as you feel more in control of yourself and your emotions, then you're also going to feel more in control of what you talk about and how you interact with people. As you're learning to navigate these conversations. 

15:38

I'll share a tip that I learned from my therapist several years ago, which really helped me be able to cope with day to day life kind of holding it together at my job, where you know, usually falling apart is not acceptable, although I did it a few times. And that is to allow yourself time to grieve and time feel the pain of your situation. You can think of it as a box that you open and look at the contents. Recognize that they suck, recognize that you'd rather have different things in your box and give yourself that time. It may be once a week or sometimes it needs to be daily. But whatever you need, carve out that time to feel your feelings instead of trying to make them go away or stuffed them down until they don't have anywhere to go but an explosion and then purposefully close the box, gently put it up on a high shelf where you can't reach it at a moment's notice. And then go about your day knowing that those feelings and emotions are there, but they don't have to consume consume you 24 seven. 

16:53

You can also if you feel like it, add some contents to your box and those contents should Be items of gratitude. So yes, you've got a lot of things going on in your life that are negative. And they do suck and you wish that they weren't there. But while you have your box open, drop in a few pieces of gratitude, things that you are happy that are in your life things that you are thankful for. And that way, the next time you open that box and you give yourself the time, you'll also find some sweet things there and you'll find some positives and then you can keep adding. And I know this sounds a little hokey, but if you are up for an experiment, if you're at that place where you're like, I just need something to help me cope day to day, give it a try. It can really, really help with the ups and downs. And when you're feeling like you are just gonna explode on somebody because they're complaining about, you know, traffic.

17:58

And finally, I will tell you this and then close. It's also really helped me be able to be empathetic with friends and family. And they're kind of quote unquote, normal problems. When I realized that everyone's problems and issues are deeply important and painful and difficult for them, regardless of what's happening in my life, they are not experiencing those things. They're going through their own issues, and to them, that might be the worst pain they've ever felt. So I really can't discount that and think that mine is worse. Mine is just mine. And other people have it worse than me and they may look at my life and my situation and wish that they could trade shoes with me. It's all about perspective. And if you can keep that front and center as you go about your life, it will help you feel more compassion and less anger. 

18:56

That's it for today, folks, thank you so much for listening, I really do appreciate it. And I hope that in these challenging times, that you are feeling a little bit more hope, a little bit more community. We are a community. And if you're looking for that tribe, if you're saying, wait, who else is listening to this podcast? I want to know. And you want to be able to connect with other moms who are going through exactly what you're going through. You definitely need to check out The Stream. It's an online community for moms, just like you. And it is a place it's been described by members as an oasis for moms who are at the end of the rope, not sleeping, not feeling like they have anybody that they can talk to really kind of needing a safety net around them while they navigate this time in life. So, if you go to my website, BrendaZane.com you will see all kinds of information there. And we would love, love, love to have you in the community. 

20:02

You can also download a free ebook that I wrote is called HINDSIGHT: Three things I wish I knew when my son was addicted to drugs. And it is just short and simple, but I think it will give you a few things to think about. And it will a let you know that you're not alone and also sort of get you into this community into our tribe. I send, like I mentioned earlier, weekly email on every Wednesday, that you will get if you download that book as well. And you'll just be part of the part of the tribe, part of the mamas that are all banded together. But do check out The Stream community, we'd love to have you there and give you a virtual hug. 

20:45

If you have 30 seconds in your day right now I would so also appreciate it if you would rate and review this podcast Hopestream. What it does, when you give us a review, it will bump us up just a little bit in the podcast rankings. So when another mom or dad is searching Google or searching in their podcast app for "how to cope with life," or "kids and drugs" or whatever it is the search term that you're using, Hopestream will actually pop up for them and they'll get all this content too. So thank you for doing that and I will meet you back here next week.