The Lifeboat Episode; Six Essential Provisions For Parenting Kids Through Drug Use or Addiction, with Cathy Cioth
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community
Guest: Cathy Cioth, Co-Founder, Hopestream Community
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About this episode:
Navigating life with a young person who’s misusing substances and struggling with mental health can feel like a ride in a very stormy sea. Parents need to be well equipped for the journey but often aren’t sure what the mandatory, life-saving provisions are to bring along. In this episode, Cathy Cioth, Hopestream Community co-founder, joins me to share our top six recommended provisions for parents. We identify the items we wish we’d had in our lifeboat when we started our expedition so you can be better prepared.
Episode Resources:
Our six recommended provisions:
A journal - Cathy’s favorite is Day One
A Bible or other spiritual reference, like Jesus Calling
A token or other physical item that grounds you and brings you peace and calm
A personal trainer and chef like Blue Apron or Hello Fresh
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Introduction
I would like to add that the weather system recognizes that they're using the tools and the fog is lifting a little bit so you can see the other boats and you'll see a lot of folks.
In the same situation as you are and just take comfort in knowing that they're there and you're not alone during this. So this is a really special weather system because it's acting on the energy of the individuals in these lifeboats. But yeah, you're not alone in this.
There's a lot of folks that are in the same lifeboat situation and they're there for you too./
You're listening to HopeStream. If you're parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program, or finding their way to recovery, you're in the right place. This is your private space to learn from experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane, your host and follow mom to a child who struggled.
This podcast is just one of the resources we offer for parents, so after the episode, head over to our website at HopeStreamCommunity. org. I'm so glad you're here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. And now let's get into today's show.
Hey, I am back today with Kathy Cioth, my business partner. The Mastermind behind the [00:01:30] communities in Hope Stream and the person who makes our retreats so off the charts, and of course, she is an incredible mama herself to two kids who struggled. Kathy and I love recording podcast episodes together. It's a little hilarious when we do, and from time to time, we have these ideas that come to us as ways of sharing thoughts and experiences with you.
When we were talking a couple weeks ago, we somehow came up with the idea for this episode, which you'll hear more about in just a second because we both understand the overwhelm that you might be feeling. You might have a child or a young person in your life who is struggling with substances right now, or maybe they're in a treatment program, maybe wilderness therapy or residential treatment, a sober living.
And you are looking for ways to keep your skills sharp, keep your toolbox filled with strategies and ways to support them.
We also talk about how the concepts we share in this episode apply to you if your child is in recovery. So I hope it's helpful for you. I think it really would've been for me a few years back. This was a really fun conversation. I hope you enjoy it. Here's me and Cathy.
Hey, Miss Kathy, welcome back to the podcast. It's been a little bit.
It has been a little bit. I'm good. I'm great. How are you doing today?
I'm okay. I, [00:03:00] as you know, I had a little foot procedure and so I've been hobbling around, which is really exhausting, you know. to be in pain all the time. I just, it really makes me feel for our families that are going through this with their kids and also just going about their normal life. You know, you have to have medical procedures, you're taking care of your parents or whatever.
It's just a lot.
it is a lot. And I remember that time because we were taking care of, My husband's parents at that time, you know, just they were my, my mother in law was really frail and it was a really stressful time just trying to be present for her and just having that stress of, kids who are really struggling.
It's really, really tough. And you're right. When you bring physical pain into the picture, really?
It's a thing.
the worst icing on that cake. I'll tell
Right.
There's no sugar in that.
No, but anyway, other than that, really good. So , I don't know how we came up with this, but we decided when we were talking the other day that we would do this episode, I'm calling it the lifeboat episode for lack of anything else to call it. And we thought, maybe it stems from the fact that people are always asking us like, what should I do?
What should I do? you know, what tools should I use or who should I talk to or whatever. And so I guess I'll just set up the little scenario
You have to set up the scenario.
of our family.
The Lifeboat Scenario
So we, we have a family [00:04:30] who's going on a trip in a lifeboat. Is that right? I guess so.
Yeah.
they're going on a, like, almost like a Gilligan's Island adventure,
because it's not just a short trip.
Right. They think it's a three hour cruise. It is not. So we're sending this family out in a lifeboat and Kathy and I each get to include three things in the boat for them. Obviously, my friends, this is a metaphor for what you might be going through in case that wasn't plainly obvious.
And so here are some of the assumptions about This family going on their trip, and then we'll get into the three items that we each get to send with them. And we did not collaborate on this beforehand. So this is this is just like we just showed up here to record and to think about We did not pre plan what we're each going to send.
So the assumptions are that in this boat, there's at least one parent or a co parent Maybe there's more than that. Maybe there's three, right? Maybe there's a couple and an ex, which is often the case, but there's at least one parent or co parent in the boat. There's also a sibling or some other concerned family member, like maybe the mom is really, you know, the grandmother of this child who's impacted is really involved or whatever.
And. There is also a child who [00:06:00] is struggling, and when we say child, it could be a 13 year old, it could be a 33 year old, it doesn't matter, it's just this is the young person in, in these people's life. They are going on roughly a five ish year trip, maybe a little less, maybe a little longer, but it's going to be a long trip.
And they are about six months into, Understanding that there is a problem going on with substance use and mental health, but they don't have any charts and they don't have a compass. What they do have is a flip phone. We did debate on this one a little while.
We did debate, but that's why we came up with the flip phone and not a phone that has internet,
Correct. So they have a flip phone that they can text and talk on. However, on this journey, the reception is usually pretty bad, so they don't always have connection. the child in this situation is in the pre contemplative stage of change, so they are not thinking about changing, they are very resistant to help, they don't think they have a problem.
The weather, we found a five year weather forecast, very unusual, but we did find one. And the weather is predicted to be stormy most of the time. not all the time. There are some sunny days. But most of the time it's going to be stormy. They do have basic food, water, and clothing. So [00:07:30] they've got the basics in that case.
The boat itself is fairly seaworthy. But it does tend to run low on gas unexpectedly. And every once in a while there's a little leak. There are other boats in the water, but back to the weather report, it's really foggy, so the family can't really see those other boats and they, so they really feel like they're alone on the water.
Anything else you want to add to our assumptions?
It's not a trip I'd like to go on.
Let's just put it that way,
I
but sometimes
I'm not doing a good job of selling it.
you're not a very good travel agent, but right. A lot of times we get. put into situations like this, where we really don't have a choice. So, I would say to add something is that, there is an end to that. There is, there is, if, as long as the boat keeps going in one direction, that, there's a glimmer of light, sunny days.
And, to try to keep your eyes on when that sunny day could potentially happen, not to lose hope.
I like that. I definitely like that. Okay, so that is the situation for our family. And, like I said, Kathy and I both got to select three things, and that could be well, we didn't really specify any parameters around that, but
we
didn't have any progress. And, and [00:09:00] let's just say again that we really didn't talk to each other at all about what those three things were, so.
right, yes. So, why don't you start with your first provision that you are going to send with this family in their boat.
Cathy's Provision #1
Okay. Well, my first, provision was the, invitation to change workbook. And I know it's a little similar to something that you have in your provisions as well, but I chose this because I think it's just such a great tool for when you are, feeling like you've got the tools, but there are these stormy days and you're all ready to.
Get ready to have this communication with your child and poof, everything goes out the window and you feel like, where did all those tools that I learned, you know, go. And so it's just a great opportunity to read and study. when you're kind of like what I had written was when you're in the eye of the storm, things are a little quiet.
You know, this is the other end of that eye is coming up. And so you can kind of get ready it's something that you can use to practice with your loved ones and Just some really great great content in that workbook. I love it
Awesome. So the Invitation to Change workbook.
Brenda's provision #1
My first provision, very similar, is the Beyond Addiction workbook for friends and family. And I debated on the [00:10:30] book Beyond Addiction or the workbook. And I chose the workbook because I feel like it covers a lot of the content that's in the full book. But it gives you some exercises to work through and I decided that if this family had that workbook they could study it and that they that would make them well equipped not only from a knowledge standpoint just about understanding basic education about what addiction is why it's impacting their child's brain but it all it would also give them some skills to work through and That it would be something that they could do together because, you know, if they're in this boat and you have a lot of time on the water, sometimes it's helpful just to have something to actually do.
Now I know you knit, but we are not sending, unless you're sending yarn and needles with this family, they're not going to have any knitting equipment. So you kind of do need to have something to do and to work on to feel like you're making progress. So That was my first provision.
by the way, we will be linking in the show notes to all of these provisions as much as we can. Some of them we won't be able to, but, where we can, we will link to the provisions. okay, so now I feel like they're at a really good start because they've got the Invitation to Change workbook, and they have the Beyond Addiction.
Workbook, so they are well equipped. We're gonna have to send a pen or something with them, too. So
Cathy's Provision #2
[00:12:00] Okay, what is your second
provision for this family?
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my, second provision, which has always been super helpful for me, is having a journal. And I know some people may say, I really hate to write. I don't want to do it. Well, your journal could have anything in it. You could draw in it. It's just a great tool for self care, I feel. And it's, just kind of can [00:13:30] calm you.
I know people that have journals that they're just a painting journal. They, you know, draw and they paint in it. And, and it's a reflection piece. What I like about my journal per se is I keep my crisis plan in there and my crisis plan is what am I gonna do when there is a crisis and let me tell you I've pulled out that crisis plan a few times
it's been super helpful and in that crisis plan I've already thought okay what's what's the first thing I'm gonna do who am I gonna call What resources do I have in place to help myself and my kiddo?
So it's, it's just a great place to keep that, you know, your journal, you're always there and you can always change your crisis plan, even if you have a kiddo and long term recovery, that's great, but you should still have a crisis plan just in case it's really, really important. And I also keep in my journal, and I recommend people do this are just important phone numbers.
And this is where that flip phone came in because Brenda at first said no phone. And I said, well, that's not fair.
that was a little harsh
She was harsh. but the reason why we set a flip phone too is just because there are certain things that a smartphone does that really make life really difficult when you're in that storm.
One is tracking your kid. I know that it might be helpful for some of you and I know I did that myself and it really just kind of [00:15:00] drove me a little crazy and it also gives you a false sense of security because you think, oh, they're out there friends. Everything's great. It really doesn't tell you anything.
the other thing is it, you watch videos, you watch social media and it's those little things that just can really just do so much harm more than good for your self care practice. So, I feel like this flip phone, although it's not perfect, it can help you stay connected. It gives you that feeling so you can call your therapist, you can call your parent coach, your doctor, whatever you need for this journey.
You're not absolutely isolated out there in that lifeboat, but anyway, yes, the journal can have all that information in there and that's why I like my journal.
I Think that's really smart having I think having the crisis plan in your journal in some form or fashion is a really good idea And if crisis plan doesn't sound like the right terminology to you, then I would just say it is your back pocket plan for when things shift. I can't say how many times we hear from parents in Hope's Dream community.
My kid just got kicked out of their treatment program, or they just walked out of their treatment program, or they've been, you know, for whatever reason. They're, they think. The water is smooth and then all of a sudden like a giant whale comes and up ends the boat. [00:16:30] And if you don't have a back pocket plan, not, not even meaning like, well, we would switch to this treatment program.
Just who am I going to call if something goes as unplanned? What am I going to do physically? Where can I go? I know some people have a little, almost like a. plan B box of, you know, self care items, these are things that, help me if I get triggered or if I get into a situation where I feel really unstable.
So I like the idea of that in your journal and your phone numbers. And you were so right about needing a flip phone. I think we could all benefit from going into, you know what, that's a, they should, somebody call Apple. They should have a flip phone mode. On, on our smartphones. actually it probably exists and I just don't know it.
But
it's, it's probably the focus feature, right? I mean, you could actually, you know, it is true. It'd be great to have flip phone mode turning off all those things, but
yeah,
where you have to really work together and say, okay, put all those social media apps in a folder. You can do that.
And put it all the way to the last screen so that you're not tempted to look. You can do all of that. Right?
that's what I have. , well, you, you know, how I have my phone organized, so that the front screen of my phone only has like stuff that brings me joy personally and nothing else. So I can have a beautiful background on there and just one, folder that has multiple apps in it, [00:18:00] and then everything else is in the back.
And I have to intentionally scroll like three times, open a little, I don't know what you call it, like a folder of apps.
And yeah, it takes like five taps , to open something like Instagram or whatever. So, you know, we got to do what we got to do.
a good, it's a good tip. Good tips from Kathy and Brenda on how to use your smartphone. Ha ha
I know.
Well, people look at my phone sometimes and they're like, wait, how can you only have one app? I'm like, oh, I have more than one app. It just looks like I only have one app. Because it's just calming to me if I pick up my phone and there's like a screen full of apps and all kinds of notifications, it just raises my anxiety.
So I can't, I can't do that. All right.
Brenda Provision #2
Well, my second provision is A bible or other tool for maintaining a strong spiritual life. So, I feel like this family is going to be tested in ways that they cannot imagine. And being rooted in your faith, whatever that is for you is really, really important. And I think you and I, you know, both have a strong faith life.
And I did not know how much, how handy that was going to come in until I was really in this. And, you know, if you, I think if you don't have a higher power, if that's something you haven't really contemplated in a while, or maybe, maybe drifted away from. any kind of a faith life that you've had, this is a really good [00:19:30] time to, to re explore that and to come back to that.
I just remember so many nights laying in bed, not knowing where my son was, not figured like how am I going to survive this night? I just couldn't even wrap my head around how am I going to do was to say, okay, I'm taking a break. You're on the night shift God take this on because I can't do it anymore and and it really does because you get into these impossible situations where you Have no control And when you have no control, you can't live like that, right?
It just causes way too much Anxiety and your body and your brain and then you can't function in the rest of the other parts of your life So I really think that Having some sort of a reference, you know, a Bible or whatever it is that really roots you and that you can go back to in those moments where you are like, I have no control and I am terrified and I don't know what kind of decision to make having something like that will be a really, really big, solace in that situation and when the boat feels like it's going to capsize, Which it might, it will really help you to stay steady and to sometimes to not even like jump overboard when you're like, I don't know what to do.
I'm just going to [00:21:00] jump overboard because I can't do it anymore. So that's my second provision.
Cathy Provision #3
Well, that's a great one, and I can identify with that having faith, and I would say that, it is so helpful just to be able to lean on something, so I love that that is your second, and I'm glad you're putting that in the lifeboat, because I am going to switch gears a little bit, and it's a little similar.
I have a token or you could call it a chip that has the serenity prayer on it. And so I keep that chip with me. it sits on my desk all the time and has the serenity prayer and, it really works for me. And so I have, said that prayer so many times. It always kind of centers me. And so I just keep, a token.
So I would like to give A token, a chip or whatever that is, it could be a rock or, you know, something that is just tangible that you can keep in your pocket that kind of helps centers and grounds you. And so I know a lot of people like to keep like a, mineral stone, like a, you know, lapis or something that they can, almost like a worry stone that they can, Grab on to when they're feeling uncomfortable and it really, I think can just calm people.
And so, that's what I would give some kind of token chip stone to keep in their pocket.
I like that. It is helpful just to have something to physically touch. I know at our retreats, we give all of our special retreat [00:22:30] moms a a wood cross or a wood Heart.
Heart.
speaks better, most to them, they're made out of wood. They're made by a very special person who is my dad and they're small so you can keep it in your pocket and, I've heard from people that have come to our retreats that get those that they really love them because it is just that.
touchstone when you need something to just ground you. So I think
that's and it doesn't take up a lot of space on the
it doesn't, it doesn't take a lot of space. And I love that if, You have something that is handmade from someone. It's just so, so special. I, carry both the heart and the cross all the time with me, and I just know that it's made by your dad. And I just love that he does it.
'cause I know he does it with so much love and prayer too.
So there's so much, there's meaning behind it. So it's
really great.
Brenda Provision #3
so my third provision that I want to send with this family, it's kind of two, but I feel like I could find it in one person, which is a personal trainer and chef.
So I'm counting that as one because I'm going to find somebody who is both. A personal trainer and a chef, because I think this is something that gets overlooked, the incredible importance of physical and mental wellness. Different from having [00:24:00] skills, different from adding tools to your parenting toolbox. I think this is a tool that people tend to overlook and think, I will deal with that when this is over. when I get off this crazy ship and, you know, we make it on the other side, then I'll start taking care of myself, eating well, work, you know, I hate, I'm not even going to say working out, moving my body.
Doing some sort of, you know, movement that I love to do because that really does change our, our minds. It changes the neurons in our body. It changes the chemical makeup in our body. So that is what I would send because I just see so many people ignore that and it's so critical. And I didn't figure that out until way late in the game.
And I still have ramifications from my lack of
Right? I was just going to say, right, that you and I both have experienced the ramifications of not focusing on our physical well being and it really does a number on your system. It's so difficult. And so I love that you said movement because it can be something as small as a short, you know, 15 minute walk a day.
I get when you're on a life route, it's gonna be hard to go on a walk, but you probably can do some pretty amazing yoga poses,
and your core would get really strong,
Pilates,
was developed for people who didn't have any space to move. So our personal trainer is going to have to be, certified in [00:25:30] Pilates. So maybe a little tricky to find, but,
yeah. And food is so important because you can only get out of your body what you put into it. So. I know that it's hard to make those good decisions sometimes and a lot of times we use food as a reward like, Oh, this is so hard.
Just had the craziest day. I just want to eat whatever that's, you know, not good for our body. And I think that's okay sometimes, but if that's the default mode, then your body can't Give you back the strength and everything that you need because it's it's working with junk. So it is really important. And again, I think when there's so much that's out of our control in this scenario, we have to find the things that are in our control.
And food and movement are two that are 100 percent in our control. Even if like you said, you're just on a lifeboat and you can just walk in circles. walk in circles, because it, it really does make a difference. And if you're in a situation where you're really struggling and you're like, I just feel terrible, not only emotionally and all that, I'm scared and I don't know what to do with my child.
Take control of the things that you can't take control of because at least then you've got something to go back to and say, okay, well I can't change the fact that she just walked out of her treatment program after 15 days. But I can move my [00:27:00] body, drink some water, put some vegetables in it, put some healthy whatever in it.
So, so that's my third.
Cathy's Add-On
I love that. I love that. I'd like to add something here.
Oh, you're breaking the rules.
no, no,
Oh, okay.
not a
thing, I'd like to add that here our families have all these tools, right? So, if they're using these tools and everything, I would like to add that the weather system recognizes that they're using the tools and the fog is lifting a little bit so you can see the other boats and you'll see a lot of folks.
In the same situation as you are and just take comfort in knowing that they're there and you're not alone during this. So this is a really special weather system because it's acting on the energy of the individuals in these lifeboats. But yeah, they'll be able to tell, you know, that you're not alone in this.
There's a lot of folks that are in the same lifeboat situation and they're there for you too.
That is a really good add on that. It's so important because it is very responsive. The weather system is very responsive to. Whatever provisions you're using and also when when you see one of those other boats out there with another family in it, you can be a life ring for them, right? So you can throw your workbook [00:28:30] over to them, toss it over, let them use it or, you know, loan them your chef for a day or whatever it is.
So, and we see this every day because we are in the stream and in the woods and we see. Our families connecting with each other, we see them saying, Oh, I, you know, I did this or I did that, or here was my experience with this. And they really are doing that metaphorical loaning of the provisions when they share their experiences or when they offer support.
And sometimes it's just, Hey, I have no idea what to tell you right now, other than. I'm here, you're not alone, be strong, take a breath, you know, that's gold. Because I can't have an answer for somebody whose kiddo is off the rails and, you know, needs really specialized mental health care. That is for the professionals in this field.
But there's just nothing like the encouragement and words of another parent saying, Hey, it's hard. Here's my thought for you, or here's my
right, right. I just care for you and I'm here, yeah,
All right, ma'am, well, that's, that's all we really wanted to share today was just sort of this, this metaphor for what you might be going through. And I think what you said in the beginning too, is even if your boat is [00:30:00] in smoother waters right now, so you have a child who's in recovery, maybe for a long time, you know, we both have kids that are six plus years in a really healthy lifestyle.
We still need these tools. We, even though our water might be like smooth sailing and things are really great, there's just no replacement for some of these foundational tools. Maybe I'm not reading and working through the pages of the workbook right now, but I'm absolutely maintaining my movement and my food and gratitude practice and strengthening my faith.
So if you're in that situation, don't feel like this is only, you know, provisions for people who are in the storm. This is definitely for you as well.
Right. You may need to pull people into your life raft potentially.
Yes.
Yes, you have to stay strong so that you can be the life raft for
other people.
Exactly.
and we do have that too, which is really nice when we have our advisors and coaches and therapists in the community who are just there to, you know, they've all been through it. And it's just so awesome for them to be giving back in that way
absolutely. Yeah, well, we're all helpful to I think to each other. That's the great thing, right? So, it really is helpful to have everybody helping each other. It's just such [00:31:30] a great community,
The power of community. I love it.
right?
100%.
Okay, my friend, that is it for today. Remember, you can find all the guest information and resources we talked about in the show notes, and those are at brendazane. com forward slash podcast. We also have some playlists there that we created for you, like the top 10 episodes, coaching episodes, recovery stories, all the good stuff.
And if you haven't already, you may want to download a free ebook. I wrote called hindsight. Three things I wish I knew when my son was misusing drugs, it'll give you some insight as to why your child might be doing what they are. And importantly, it gives you tips on how to cope and how to be more healthy through the rough times.
You can download that free from Brenda Zane. com forward slash hindsight. Thank you so much for listening. Stay strong and be very, very good to yourself. And I will meet you right back here next week.