community required, treatment optional for lasting recovery; finding the freedom and joy of “normal” with Jo Colette
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Guest: Jo Colette
Instagram: @the.stream.community
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Podcast support from:
This episode is supported by The Stream. You might be wondering who else is listening to this podcast and dealing with the same kinds of issues you are. You may also want to go beyond the podcast and dive deeper into the subjects with other moms who get it.
The Stream is the place where all of that happens. It’s a modern, online space where moms who have kids struggling with substance use and addiction issues focus on their own health, wellness, and sanity. There’s no judgment and no drama (it's not on Facebook), and our community is based on positive thinking and learning CRAFT skills. We have weekly events, a book club, yoga classes, workshops, expert guest speakers, and supportive conversations.
Being a member of The Stream gives you an even deeper connection beyond the podcast where you get to interact with amazing moms and me every day. So if you'd like to hang out with us after the episodes, you can learn more and join us at www.thestreamcommunity.com. The first two weeks are always free to see if it’s the right support for you, so there’s no risk. We hope to see you soon.
About this episode:
On this road, we never can quite predict if or when our son or daughter will decide to choose recovery for themselves. So if that moment feels miles away, or you’re just desperate to get a window into your child’s mindset, this story of recovery is absolutely for you.
In this episode, I’ve invited Jo Colette, a mother, wife, and brilliant tattoo artist to share her journey from addiction to several drugs including IV heroin, to sobriety, and then to active recovery. Jo describes the pain of growing up in an emotionally unsafe home and her desperate struggle to find a place to belong. These insights will help parents see why misusing drugs and alcohol is often a very practical solution to struggling teens without a lot of tools in their toolbelt. She also shares the nightmare of her rock-bottom, an insane hitch-hiking detox story, and how she began the real work of healing in recovery.
episode resources:
Authentic Adversity (husband Chris Howe’s) YouTube
Connect with Authentic Adversity on Instagram @authenticadversity
We Are Those People Instagram @wearethoseppl
Check out Jo’s Website
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[00:00:47] Brenda: welcome. You're listening to HopeStream. If you're parenting a teen or young adult child who's experimenting with drugs and alcohol, or who's in active addiction treatment or early recovery, you're in the right place.
I am Brenda Zane, your host and a mom who has been there. So just take a minute to exhale, know you're a good company and just know this is your place to soak up, support, understanding, and get some really great information. You can learn more about me and the work I do to serve parents like you@brendazane.com.
I hear from lots of people that when they are frustrated and exhausted and need some inspiration and hope, They love to hear stories of recovery. They like to know that despite how things are looking on the outside, how bad the family dynamics have gotten and how severe the drug use has gotten. They like to know that people can and do come out the other side.
And not that they just make it out. They make it out and thrive in amazing new lives. While you are in for a huge dose of inspiration today, Jo Colette is truly the poster child for proving that despite all odds, People can defy those odds. They get stacked against them often in childhood and even odds that people stack against themselves and they can completely turn their lives around.
I first came across Joe on the Instagram account. We are those people, which is an account you should definitely follow if you like recovery stories, and I was really excited when she agreed to come on the show. Her story and her insights are profound. She's tough as nails and super soft and sensitive.
She's a badass tattoo artist, mother martial arts competitor. Many more things and is also in long-term recovery from very severe and long-term addiction to multiple drugs including IV heroin. You will hear how Joe navigated a pretty chaotic childhood before even realizing that it wasn't completely normal.
You'll also hear about her cross country detox experience as she hitch hiked across Canada to escape an abusive boyfriend. It's the stuff of a Netflix movie, and I want you to hear it directly from her. So lace up your shoes or grab a mug of something and get ready to be blown away by this super inspiring story of determination and transformation with Joe Colette, and I'll see you on the other side.
Joe, I'm so thrilled to have you on the podcast today and to, I always love talking with people who are in recovery. I think it's such, I think we just don't have enough stories out there. Um, you know, and my son's story, I try to, to tell because, uh, you hear a lot of the bad and you see a lot of the bad in the news and you don't see as many people being highlighted who have come through this and are doing well.
So, I appreciate you being here. So thank
[00:04:01] JoCollette: you. Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be, Yeah.
[00:04:05] Brenda: So I would love to give folks who are listening and, you know, people who are listening are parents, um, who are in the very scary experience of having a kiddo who's either just starting to experiment, um, or they may be in active addiction.
They may also be like in a treatment program or in one of those transition periods. And I think for a lot of us it's, and I know this was true for me, it's just such a mystery. It's just like, what in the world could be going on in the mind of this child of mine who I just knew maybe like six months ago or a couple of years ago, and now I don't even recognize them.
Mm-hmm. . So there's just a lot of confusion and pain. So I'm wondering if you would maybe take us, um, Through just a quick snapshot of your life today, and then we'll hop in a time machine and we'll go back a little bit and, and lead out to that. Does that work?
[00:05:00] JoCollette: Yeah. Yeah. Sounds fun. I like starting with the good stuff.
Yeah. So, uh, I'm 30 years old. Uh, I'm a tattoo artist. Um, I own, uh, my own tattoo shop here with, uh, my husband Chris. We live, uh, in Southern Ontario and, uh, with my eight year old son and two, Adorable pit bulls. Uh oh. I have been sober for 10 years. 10 over 10 years now. Congratulations. Thank you so much.
That's amazing. Yeah, it's great. We, so my husband is also in recovery. He's been in recovery for just over 11 years. Um, and we both, uh, met while we had a significant amount of, uh, clean time kind of separately. So we had a, a good chance to work on a lot of stuff kind of before we ended up meeting each other.
So, um, very grateful to say that we got pretty amazing life at the moment. Lots of really, really good stuff. We managed to. To travel quite a bit, bring our son with us wherever we can. We end up, uh, down in Mexico quite a bit, training Mo Thai, uh, and MMA and uh, just trying to enjoy as much of the present moment as we can.
[00:06:17] Brenda: Yeah, that sounds incredible. So you own your own business, you travel, you have a son and dogs. I love, I love all of that. It just sounds, it just sounds so normal and I think a lot of times from a parent's point of view, that's what you want for your kid, right? You just wanna see them happy and normal and like living a fantastic life that they love.
And
[00:06:40] JoCollette: I love that you That's funny, funny to use that word. I, Cause that word was all I wanted as a kid. All I wanted, I had a, a little bit of a unconventional childhood. We were homeschooled. It was myself and, and two other siblings. Um, and we, we had a. Very interesting, but unconventional childhood, um, that I'm happy to get into later.
Yeah. Traveled a lot, uh, you know, weren't in the traditional school system and often that came with some great things, but also, uh, some challenges in terms of not having, uh, really close knit community or, or friends. Um, and being fairly isolated to, uh, our own family dynamic, which turned out to be fairly unhealthy.
So that word just went through my mind all the time, like, Oh, I wish I was normal. I wish I had a normal family. I wish I had a normal life. What can I do to be normal? It's so, it's . It's great that you say that. That's the type of life I'm leading now because I finally did it You did it, you that box . Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
[00:07:48] Brenda: Well, it's, and, and. What I love is that normal has, there's a huge range of normal, right? Like absolutely normal to me means, um, safe content, healthy, happy, you know, happy. Um, so normal doesn't mean that you fit into any sort of a box. Mm-hmm. , it means that you get to make your own box and you feel great in it.
Um, yeah.
[00:08:16] JoCollette: So
[00:08:17] Brenda: I love, I, I think, um, you know, we, we tend to sometimes, Want to put our kids in a box, right? Like we, we have our, my normal box looks very different than my son's normal box. And so I wanna try, I always work really hard and I try to tell the parents I work with is, your box doesn't necessarily look like theirs.
And the more we try to stuff them into ours, the more they're just gonna like,
[00:08:46] JoCollette: like try claw their way out desperately. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think it's interesting too that as a child you don't question what's around you very much. Um, normal is just what happens to you every day. Normal is the way your parents interact with you and treat you.
It doesn't matter if they're building on you, um, head to toe or if they're extremely violent or abusive. That's your normal when you're growing up. Yeah. So thinking back then, I wouldn't consider my life now normal at all. Uh, my normal was a lot more painful. There was a lot more walking on eggshells. Um, and like, uh, just, um, a feeling of like restlessness and, and discontent that never, never really was, uh, settled down until later in life when I found recovery.
And, um, is still something I'm actively working towards all the time. Right. Um, but, but I do value that, that kind of like safe controlled, routine filled content happy, like present moment, kind of normal. Uh, very much these.
[00:10:12] Brenda: Oh, that's awesome. I was talking with somebody on the podcast a little, I can't even remember who it was, but we were talking about homeostasis and the fact that, you know, there's this, we are always kind of searching for that and reaching for that.
And we were talking about the fact that for somebody who's in active addiction, ho that is homeostasis at some level. Like, that's what you know. And so to, to move out of that, into a, a calm, stable life would feel very uncomfortable.
[00:10:43] JoCollette: Very uncomfortable. Does that ring true with you? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, so, uh, when I first, um, when I first got clean, I didn't really have a game plan in terms of setting things in place in order to be successful in my recovery.
So I, I kinda threw myself into the. The world of not being high, uh, without, without a lot of like, guardrails on, I guess. So it was really uncomfortable to feel things again, to build relationships that weren't dependent on, uh, substance or, uh, codependency. And, and it, it just was like growing up again, essentially.
Um right. You kind of start from fresh and you have to rewire the way that you think about everything, the way you interact with people, things that you thought were, you know, normal to feel or to think. You start to question a bit, uh, when you start to see that there's another way of living.
[00:11:51] Brenda: Yeah, it was, it was, That was such a revelation to me to hear that because, Unless you've lived in that sort of chaotic homeostasis, you don't, it just doesn't make sense.
It's like, well, why wouldn't you want out of that? Why wouldn't you want to stop? And I think that's a question that a lot of people ask is, Well, why don't you just stop? Like, clearly this is not a great existence. You know, we see homeless people, we see, you know, some of our kids are living in cars or whatever, and we're like, just racking
[00:12:24] JoCollette: our brain.
Like, why? Mm-hmm. is this, Why do you choose that? Yeah. Yeah. Why it's such a mystery. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I can, I can, I've heard that from people, parents especially, who might, you know, come to me asking for advice or, or guidance, and they just don't understand like why they're not choosing the better path. And I think there, there were a number of years where I didn't really know why I wasn't choosing the better path.
I, I knew that there was. Hope I knew there were people who cared about me. I knew that if I was to leave the situation I was in, I would be able to access support. I had intentionally pulled away from my parents, but I would reach out every now and then, kind of trying to, uh, rebuild, not even rebuild the relationship.
I would, I would reach out just to kind of put the feelers out and to like test the waters to see if my mom was still willing to pick up my call. Still willing to sure. Um, like just hear me on the phone for 30 minutes and those calls were few and far between, you know, sometimes months, sometimes I, I think years.
And so I know that was, that was very hard on her. But ultimately it had to be my decision and it had to be at a time when I was ready and it had to be in a moment when. The uncomfort and the fear of staying in the habits that I was living in would have been too much to bear had I had, I kept going in that direction.
Um, Right. And I think everyone has a different tipping point. Some people have to kind keep going a lot, a lot longer than others. Some people luckily realize before things get to a certain, a certain point. So I think that tipping point is, is a bit different for everyone. But it's gotta be the most frustrating thing for a parent looking to be like, Listen, like I'm here, got your family, I've got this, this chunk of money set aside for treatment for you.
You know, I'll come pick you up wherever you are. We'll, we'll, we'll do this for you. We'll get you help. And, and the. The hand just isn't, I guess like, Yeah, I was gonna say something about like an knowledge branch or hand, something like that. , I like the direction. Yeah. . Yeah. No, uh, they just don't accept the, the help.
They just, they can't, uh, they for whatever reason, um, just aren't at that moment, that tipping point in their life yet.
[00:15:08] Brenda: Right. It is mystifying and infuriating and, I don't know, I didn't even, I don't even know all the adjectives to describe, um, to describe what that is like, to be offering the olive branch to be the one who's, who is saying whatever you need.
Whatever you need. Um, and, and knowing that it has to come from them. They have to unlock the door themselves, I think is mm-hmm. is really important. Maybe we can just step back to. Get in that time machine a little bit and, and go back to whatever age or place that you kind of found this solution. Cause I really am a big believer that substances are not the problem.
They are the solution. And they work really well, really fast. , especially if you're a young person. You know, if you're thir like my son, 13 or 14, and you struggle with these different things, Oh my gosh, alcohol and weed solve that
[00:16:11] JoCollette: problem really quickly. Instantly. Yeah, instantly.
[00:16:14] Brenda: So maybe you can take us back a little bit for you and how that, how that kind of transpired in your
[00:16:19] JoCollette: life.
Yeah, sure. I think the first time I tried smoking weed, I was 11 or 12. Uh, I didn't have much access to it. I was, like I said, homeschooled. So it was, uh, I, I would, um, have like very limited access to other people. And I worked at this, uh, stable, actually this horse, this horse barn. And, uh, I was mucking stalls and grooming horses and, and doing, doing that kind of stuff, uh, in exchange for riding lessons.
And one of the other girls there, um, was a bit older, I think, uh, like 14, maybe. 13 or 14. And she, um, ended up offering me some, some weed. We smoked a joint after we finished cleaning the barn. And I was just like, so. Excited to be doing something that was out of my comfort zone. It was like, felt, felt risky.
I was so, so happy to be doing something with this like, older girl who had brought me into her little circle. Um, and I had already, uh, kind of started to realize that I was very unhappy. My home life was. Stressful. I couldn't figure out why. There was, there was, there was like arguing between my parents, um, and, uh, some violence in the home.
Neither of them were addicts themselves, but I do believe that they had some mental health issues going on. But like I mentioned previously, that was just my normal. So they both, uh, like loved and cared for myself and my two brothers and sisters very much. We were fed, we were like a lower middle class family.
We had a car, , you know, we were, I, I had this, this kind of vision in my head of the broken family. Being something quite a bit different than what we were Yeah. Or what I had experienced. So I knew I had this unease and, uh, pain that was just brewing constantly under the surface. But, uh, I didn't have anywhere to pinpoint it.
So of course the, I guess the next, the easiest thing to do was kind of look for, um, a substance to take me away from that. And that was just a small moment in time. I didn't end up, uh, using or drinking anything until, um, a little bit later, uh, when I eventually did go to high school. Um, so I was homeschooled up until grade.
Um, and I pushed and pushed and pushed. And by that point, um, things were not great at home and I was, there was absolutely no way that I was staying in that environment for longer than, um, longer than that. So I went to high school grade nine and was blindsided by the entire school dynamic. I definitely had a little bit of a hard time kind of fitting into the traditional social circles, , and I was really kind of battling between the.
The the wish, uh, to be normal and to fit in, but also to be this person who is unique and stands out and, you know, has attention paid to them. And yeah, I wasn't, I wasn't able to find that balance easily. So, um, I found more acceptance, uh, with like the outcast and the kids who were, um, smoking weed behind the school versus in their classrooms paying attention
Right. Yeah. So I guess high school was when I, when I started using, using substances actively, um, started with smoking weed and then I, I honestly, I didn't, I didn't like smoking weed. It wasn't my thing, but I, I did it and I continued to do it because the people around me were accepting of me when I did, and I felt like I was a part of something.
Yeah. And that was, that was what I. Wanted the most was to feel like I belonged and to feel like I was, I was cool. I was wanted. So yeah, I, I continued to, to smoke a little bit of weed, um, and started drinking in high school. I went to my first high school party and I remember just feeling so free, like, like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
Mm-hmm. . Um, and do
[00:20:54] Brenda: you think, can I ask, do you think that that was, was it a combination of like, Oh, I'm doing something kind of rebellious with these people and I'm fitting in. and the substances cuz you know, the, the chemicals do their work as well. Mm-hmm. , do you think it was a combination of both of those things that made you feel that like, wow, this is amazing?
[00:21:14] JoCollette: Yeah, absolutely. I think, I think, um, the feeling wouldn't have been the same had I not been around people. Um, finally kind of feeling like I was accepted and, you know, I was, I was able to like talk more freely, have be, be more, um, like liberal and fun and I just felt like I was, I was, I was one with the group, um Right.
Like I had a group finally. Yes. Yeah. So, uh, that was, that was definitely a big part of the experience was having the, um, social mesh come together and while my substance use turned into more of a solitary thing, the more intense it, it got the initial draw to it was definitely because I finally had that, um, acceptance.
From other people.
[00:22:03] Brenda: Right. Which is something that we talk about, um, in my community and also just in, in the coaching and the work that I do is often as parents, we don't ask our kids, What is this doing for you? You know, we just assume, well, you're a bad kid. Well you're, you know, like we, we just jump to the outside instead of kind of digging into the layers of saying this has to be doing something.
Mm-hmm. ,
[00:22:27] JoCollette: and it sounds like for why do you like this? Yeah, yeah,
[00:22:29] Brenda: yeah. It was that social acceptance, maybe lowering your inhibitions, sort of, do you remember it feeling like it took you away from some of the, the stuff that was going on at home? Like, did it kind of mute that
[00:22:44] JoCollette: as well? Absolutely. Yeah. It allowed, it allowed me to, uh, forget a little bit.
And I realize now, looking back from a very young age, uh, I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression, uh, and I didn't know how to put any words to it or. Like, you know, I'll keep coming back to not knowing that it was abnormal. Um, Right. But when I finally, uh, started, started drinking and had some of those first experiences, I felt relief.
Finally. There was moments in time where I would not be feeling that intense pain and suffering anymore. Yeah. Yeah. And of course it's temporary. You know, the night would end. I would have to be accountable to someone somewhere. And I'm sure that most of the parents are, are familiar with the, the after effects of of those, those damaging moments.
[00:23:44] Brenda: Yeah. Where you said that later on you, you'd sort of distance yourself from your parents. Um, so they weren't necessarily as involved or aware day to day, but when you were in high school, were they aware of what was going on or were you able to hide it fairly well? Like what was going on while you were still in that, in the home and still in high school?
So
[00:24:07] JoCollette: I ended up, uh, leaving my home shortly after I started high school because, uh, homeschooled are in early childhood, up to high school. High school. Uh, the first couple years about the year and a half, um, I was in the home and it was a constant, I guess, tug of war as to who has control. I was at this point just bitter and resentful of what I now know is like a super dysfunctional home.
Then I didn't know why I was just angry . Right. I just wanted out. Right. Um, So about, yeah, about a year and a half after I was in high school, I, um, I just, uh, I left, I got a place by myself and one of my other girlfriends in, in high school. And that quickly led to me dropping out of high school and, um, starting to sell drugs.
Our house was the, the party house where all the, the students came and, um, that's where you could find anything you wanted. Um, you know, there was, there was no hour that was too late to show up at the door . Right. That was, um, that was our home. So it was a very quick climb into much more active addiction, uh, than just the occasional smoking weed, uh, and partying.
Yeah, it, it just quickly escalated into harder drugs. Um, and without, I, I dropped outta high school so I didn't have to be accountable to my parents or teachers or Right. Classmates. And it was just, uh, Very, very much like the floodgates opened and I was off to the races, , and that's
[00:25:45] Brenda: a dangerous world for a very young girl, is what I'm thinking.
I, I have my mama hat on and I'm like, Oh, mm-hmm. , you're so young and you're on your own and you're involved. I know the kind of people, unfortunately, I'm, I'm painfully aware of the kind of people in that world. And it's a dangerous place for you at that point. I, I'm imagining it
[00:26:04] JoCollette: was, um, I didn't realize it.
I thought I was the world's biggest badass, right? Of course, I, I, I had no idea, uh, some of the, the danger that I was in.
[00:26:20] Brenda: Hi, I'm taking a quick break because I wanna let you know about the private online community I created and host for moms who have kids misusing drugs or alcohol. It's where I hang out between the episodes, so I wanted to share a little bit about it. This place is called The Stream, and it isn't a Facebook group.
It's completely private away from all social media sites where you start to take care of yourself. Because through all of this, who is taking care of you, the Stream is a place where we teach the craft approach and skills to help you have better conversations and relationships. And we help you get as physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy as possible so that you can be even stronger for your son or daughter.
You can join us free for two weeks to see if it's the right kind of support for you and learn more about all the benefits that you get as a member@thestreamcommunity.com, and I'll see you there. Now let's get back to the conversation.
[00:27:19] JoCollette: Yeah. I, I, I ended up in, in some pretty awful situations. One of the first ones where I realized that I was actually physically endangering myself, uh, was an interaction I had with, with someone, uh, that I was, that I was meeting up with to purchase some, some drugs from. And, uh, Actually, I'll back up. very, like around this time of my life, I was, when, I mean the floodgates open, they, they opened, um, it was drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it.
I was just, didn't give a fuck. Like yeah, like whatever I could do to push the limits, make myself either feel something or not feel something right? Either way, it didn't matter to me. Um, and so the riskier the behavior the better. Um, so that led me to, um, doing some sex work as well. Um, for money or exchange for drugs.
So I was gonna start the story off by saying I was meeting someone. Buying drugs. I wasn't , I was . I was, uh, I was Well, you were in a way in a way, in a way. Sure. In a roundabout way. In a roundabout way. Exactly. Um, and, uh, yeah, so that, that meeting turned into one, uh, that like turned into a, an actual, like physical altercation.
And I left, uh, unscathed, but very, very scared. Um, and that was the first moment I remember walking home, and it was really very late at night and I was like, Wow, okay. I'm, I'm not invincible. Like that could have gone very badly. And, uh, yeah, and, and it's interesting because I, I had that thought for maybe eight minutes as I was walking home, got to my place and then just went right back into it.
Yeah. And, you know, pushed those feelings down. Tried to ignore what happened. And, uh, Obviously that, that, uh, only resulted in, um, I guess a compounding of, of traumas down the line. Yeah. But it was only, it was only a couple minutes of reality kind of hitting me in the face and being like, Hey, you're not safe.
You're fucking up here. Before I just kind of like brushed aside and, and decided, I don't know how to deal with this, so I'm just gonna do what I know and what I feel is, is right, is home to me. Which is getting fucked up. Yes.
[00:29:50] Brenda: Yes. Which is, I think, such an important insight to,
[00:29:55] JoCollette: for you to share
[00:29:56] Brenda: because, uh, a sober person's brain says the opposite.
Like, Oh, that was bad. I gotta get myself out of here. But that's not necessarily the mindset. It's like, Oh, how do I not think about this? Cuz I don't know how to deal with it. Oh, I'll just take some more. You know, my son would always say, Well, I would just take more Xanax because. Then everything just kind of went away.
Mm-hmm. . So I think that's a really important insight that I, I wanna just highlight because it is counterintuitive to what somebody might think would be the rational thing to do. Mm-hmm. . Um, and then the other thing that you said I think is really important is the retraumatization. So as this is not a, a, a safe and healthy lifestyle, things happen, you witness things, things happen to you that just layer trauma over trauma, over trauma, over what sounds like was childhood trauma.
So now you've just got this massive accumulation of scar tissue that you've built up, like over and over and over and over. Mm-hmm. until you probably can't even, I'm just thinking, how do you even start to chip away at that and say, I. I, I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna continue to build this. I need to start, It's like when I'm, so this is probably tmi, but I have these, um, planner words, Right.
and
[00:31:26] JoCollette: they keep, they hurt so bad. Yeah. The,
[00:31:30] Brenda: the skin keeps growing over and you have to take a little razor and you have to like shave it down Yeah. So that you can put the medicine on it, because otherwise the medicine doesn't get through the skin. Right. So, yeah. Way too high. But , I just, That's okay. In my own mind, I'm thinking it's kind of the same, Like it's building up and building up and building up to the point where you can't feel anything anymore, Like nothing's going through and you have to start shaving away at it, whether that's treatment or faith or whatever it is that works for you as far as a, you know, treatment.
Mm-hmm. . Um, I don't know. That just is what came to mind as you, as you were talking about that, because I can imagine that you would just, Continue to be traumatized in, in those ways, whether they're little ones or big ones. And the solution is, I'm just gonna make it all go
[00:32:22] JoCollette: away. Yeah. In that moment, I didn't see another option, um Right.
I didn't feel like I had a safe place to go to. I didn't feel like I had safe people to talk to. Um, I didn't know how a conversation would go if I were to, I. Talk about anything like that? Um, to, to any of the adults in my life. Um, I, I had previously been met with a lot of, uh, like rigidity and resistance and what's like a word that's like the opposite of empathy?
Confrontation. . Yeah. Confrontation, Um, uh, anger. Yeah. Um, and blame. Yeah. And so there was no part of me that was like, Okay, I'm gonna take this stuff that I've got and I'm gonna go to a safe adult and I'm just gonna, you know, lay it all out on the table and I'm gonna be taken care of. Right. That wasn't an option.
It was. or I didn't feel like it was an option. Yeah, it was. I was, I was very convinced that it was, uh, all on me to be able to suppress any negative emotions that I was having. Um, and to be honest, I, I, I didn't care for or value, um, my body greatly. The, the thing that was more important to me as a teenager obviously was, was just like finding those connections with people feeling like I fit in and, um, most of all kind of trying to, to bury a lot of the pain that was just kind of building and building as I was going through these experiences.
[00:34:17] Brenda: Yeah. Well, I have to ask the question that every single person listening is, is dying to hear, which is, how did you turn the corner? Like, what was the point where you, what was your tipping point to say, um, don't wanna do this anymore? Mm-hmm. , and I don't know how. It sounds like you didn't necessarily know how to get help, so take us through how you go from that crazy, chaotic, dangerous lifestyle to starting to make some change.
That's,
[00:34:51] JoCollette: that's a great question. And it didn't happen overnight. Uh, I think it was just like we talked about the slow layering of stuff that was just piling and piling and piling on, ending in, um, a moment where I finally decided that there was absolutely no way that I could continue to stay where I was.
And one of the questions that, that you asked in your email I thought was really interesting. It was a question about, uh, what the biggest barrier to making positive changes was. Yeah. While I was in, um, active addiction and so. I guess I'll tell you a little bit more about the timeline to give you Yeah. A greater picture of kind of what I went through.
I was living by myself and, and my friend, I guess I was living with my friend , away from my family. Yes. Uh, and then, uh, in Ontario. Um, and I decided kind of multiple times that I wanted to leave where I was. I headed out west. Um, I brought another friend with me. We had checked out to BC and the plan was just stay out there for a summer, get away from, um, my life in Ontario and, and come right home a summer.
Turned into almost four years of, uh, life out in bc. Uh, usually hitchhiking from place to place often, um, living outside, uh, sometimes here and there. Like we get a place over the winter. Um, but, uh, My drug use had, uh, escalated into IV use when I was in Ontario. And I had this romanticized idea that I would somehow run away from that by changing my, uh, geographical location when I went out west.
But obviously that wasn't the case. Going out there was just like going to the land of milk and honey . Yes, I was gonna say bcs . Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. So, um, when I was, when I was there, uh, I met someone else who was also an addict, uh, and uh, traveling around and we started dating and our relationship just fueled the other person's drug use and codependency.
And it was so that that relationship that I had with that person was one of my first like long term romantic relationships. So, Coming from a family where I was like very isolated, didn't have very many, um, close relationships into high school where I had no idea how to handle social situations into finally finding what I thought was, you know, the first love of my life and being an active addiction together was just this tornado of like, Emotions, sensations.
And it was, it was, uh, very, very, very hard to extract myself from that. Um, and I believe that one of the biggest barriers that I had to leaving active addiction was the relationships to the people that I, I built when I was, uh, using this boyfriend. Definitely one of them. Um, we were super dependent on each other.
Our relationship was violent, awful. But, you know, we were the only people that were there for each other. Um, and. To me, like a, a young girl who was wanting more than anything to kind of like, find her place in the world and, and fill, fill the void that was seemingly endless. Um, having this relationship was, was everything to me.
So letting go of that was, seemed, seemed like it was impossible, um, at first. And then as the years passed and things got worse and worse, it, it just got to a point where I realized that if I didn't leave, I was gonna end up very seriously hurt dead in jail. And it was just something I, I had to do if I wanted to survive.
And I knew that leaving and getting clean went hand in hand. We had talked
[00:39:14] Brenda: about, how did you know that? How did you know that?
[00:39:17] JoCollette: Uh, I, I think I, like, I, I didn't want to keep using, I hadn't wanted to keep using for years . Right. But I was mm-hmm. , um, and I hated myself for it. Uh, and I didn't know, I didn't know another option.
So when I realized that I had to leave this situation, I realized that it wouldn't make any sense for me to bring drugs with me into my new life. Okay. Right, right. And more than anything I knew I just had to like, leave that situation. Things were getting very dangerous. I, I felt like not only was I in danger from myself, from consistently using and like putting myself in danger situations, I was also in danger from my relationship, which was getting more and more violent.
Yeah. So, uh, it, it was a thought that was kind of brewing in my mind for, for quite some time, but I had heard whispers of like, you know, so and sos going to like an AA meeting or like, so and so has to check in with their sponsor. But I never put two and two together as to that being an option for me. I don't know why.
I just, I don't think I had enough exposure to people who were successful in recovery. Um, I had this vision of people living their normal lives who had absolutely zero relation to people who use, and then I had this understanding that people who use addicts and normal people are completely separate.
Right. , there's no intersection. Two separate species, Zero intersection. Yeah. So I, I became like a. A captive of my own mind. In, in that way? Yeah. Because I completely, I didn't even look to, to see what the options would be or to see if there was someone I could relate to that had struggled with similar things that could help me out.
So I. I'm not sure where this thought came into my mind in terms of me always thinking I have to do shit on my own . Um, but, but consistently, that's just how I have coped with things. So I didn't ask for help. I didn't check into treatment. I didn't go to detox. I didn't go to a hospital. I didn't go to an NA meeting, any of that stuff.
I just decided, fuck it. This is it. I have to leave. I packed my stuff into a backpack and ended up hitchhiking back to Ontario. And at that point I had been, uh, using opiates intravenously for the past two and a half, almost three years. So the ride back was just a gut brunching experience. Um, yeah, it was terrible.
Um, Not something that I ever wanted to go through again. . So you were
[00:42:29] Brenda: detoxing on the road across the country?
[00:42:32] JoCollette: Across the country, yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow. And then I ended up, I ended up back in Ontario feeling hopeful because I had left behind a whole world of people that I felt like I had been glued to for, Right.
Um, the past number of years. And I, I don't quite understand how I knew this, but I, I did know that being away from them, I would be able to somehow start to cultivate a little bit of change in a, in a positive direction. And it didn't take me, It took me from 2012, uh, when I made that trip to somewhere in like 2017, 2018, to actually start to unravel some of the reasons why I had been using and, uh, trying to, um, escape my reality.
So I, I hitched back to Ontario and basically thought, All right, I'm not with these people. I'm done with these substances. I'm gonna be fine , um, I definitely didn't understand the like wide breadth of work that goes into sustaining, right? Not only a life that is free of substances, but one that actually delves into healing those traumas.
And yeah, looking at how to actually have healthy relationships with people and having a healthy relationship with myself. All of those things and all of those skills are still things I'm working on to this day. ,
[00:44:15] Brenda: did you ever go, so you never went to treatment,
[00:44:20] JoCollette: you just, I never went to treatment. I told a couple people what had been going on.
Um, I kept everything from my, my mom. Um, I didn't end up rekindling my relationship with my dad until, uh, a couple years after that. And I just said, All right, I'm just like, I'm starting fresh. Everything starts fresh. I, I got a job working as a, an ece, um, an early childhood educator, um, and through, uh, family, friends, and I started, uh, going to the gym.
I started running, I started, um, basically pouring myself into all these new aspects of my life without really telling anyone what I had been through or what I had experienced, or even acknowledging the fact that I was clean. I, I did. Kind of the same thing I did when I had that scary experience as a young teenager, and I was just like, All right, cool.
That passed five years is just over my shoulder now. I don't have to pay anymore attention to that. I'm on to the next thing. And, um, it. Obviously that wasn't constructive and that that didn't work out very well. Um, I ended up, uh, meeting the father of my child and uh, basically replaced kind of one addiction with another in terms of another super codependent relationship.
And he had recently also stopped. Drinking. And I started to open up to him a little bit about my past when we were, when we first met, I, I asked him if he had ever done any drugs, what his past was there, or if he had only been alcohol. No, like only alcohol. And he asked me and I said, Yeah, I actually like, had some pretty heavy drug use in my past.
Uh, it's like, you know, from a, from a young age and actually kind of escalated into IV use. And his reaction was, Oh my God, that's disgusting. I can't believe you did that. That's, that's terrible. Like, I could never do something like that coming from the mouth of an ex alcoholic. Right. Right. So that just told me, don't talk about that part of your life.
Right. People don't wanna hear it. Right. Is something to be ashamed of. Right. Um, Move on, pretend it didn't happen. You know, you can do better. You know, you can fit into this new life. Somehow you'll figure it out. That other group of people over here, . Yes. . Yeah. Like, I'm gonna, I'm
[00:47:06] Brenda: gonna change from this group to this group, but it sounds like you were sort of white knuckling it, like doing all of the things, working out and doing all of that, but, and, and this is a question I always love to get perspective on from people, is that difference between being sober and being in recovery and what that looks like to you and how, like how do you, um, how do you recognize like, okay, I feel like I'm in recovery now versus I'm just.
Being sober?
[00:47:44] JoCollette: That's another great question. Cause the first stretch of my sobriety was only sobriety and very little recovery. And the difference now would be that I recognize that some of those same habits that I had, uh, when I was using drugs and alcohol to cope can easily be transferred onto anything else you can imagine.
Whether it be eating, whether it be going to the gym, whether it be the way I go through my daily habits or interact with people. Um, and in recovery, I've started to dismantle those thought processes. I've started to really look at my life and analyze how I can be not only a better person. To benefit others around me, but, uh, a more genuine and vulnerable person in order to really honor myself in everything that I've been through.
Yeah, I, I've done, uh, quite a, quite a bit of treatment as well in terms of therapy. Um, I did end up getting diagnosed with, um, complex ptsd, so I went through about a year of intensive therapy, just focused strictly on that and, um, kind of childhood trauma stuff. Um, yeah, and it wasn't until. Well, I met my husband Chris, uh, who has also been in recovery, um, that I realized that there was this like massive intersection of people who are addicts and also live a very healthy, uh, productive, fulfilling, genuine life.
Um, and he took me to, uh, an AA speaker meeting that one of his friends was, uh, in, oh sorry, I think it was at a celebration. Um, and it was the first time I'd been to an AA meeting. And at that point I had about six years of sobriety under my belt and I had totally white knuckled it the whole time and I.
Kind of was like, All right, well it got me this far, but something's missing. Like at that point, um, I had divorced with my, uh, child's dad. I had realized that there was, there was elements to my life that needed attention. And although I wasn't using, I definitely needed to make some changes in order to be living this like, happy, fulfilling life that I saw other people leading.
So, uh, Chris introduced me to aa. He took me to that, that first meeting, and, um, kind of like laughed about how it was my first time at a meeting after six years of sobriety . Right. Um, and it was in that meeting that I, I was sitting there and I was listening to some of the people talk and. Really relating to a lot of things that they were saying.
And I was like, Holy shit. There is a group of like 35 or 40 people in this room alone that are not using, that have been through similar things as me, and I'm not alone anymore. , it's crazy. I'm like, What that mean to you? That's so amazing. Yeah. And, and, um, yeah, just that, that realization was, was, was something else to come to.
And so then we, I mean, Leading up to that point a little bit. But after that point, I really started looking into, um, like actively living a life in recovery, doing things that are authentic to me, treating people in ways that I want to be treated, being of service to other people. And, uh, I I, I can definitely say that I have noticed a drastic shift in just the, the trajectory of my life since realizing that, um, sobriety is a lot different than active recovery.
Yeah, sounds
[00:52:01] Brenda: like it. I could just imagine like your mind just being blown going into that meeting and seeing, Oh, there is an intersection here. And knowing that I, I'm also sort of curious about, so you, you own a tattoo parlor and I think a lot of times, People envision like, oh, what are those people up to?
Right. Like, is, is there kind of a, um, community, like a recovery community that you found from a creative standpoint? Cuz clearly you're a very creative person. Um, what is that like as far as being in recovery and being in, I think what can be a profession that in the past has been very, um, maybe not recovery
[00:52:47] JoCollette: focused.
Mm. Yeah. Absolutely. Um, I. One of the things that came about from choosing to live my life more actively in recovery is that I started talking about it. Um, and that, that first six years of sobriety without recovery, I didn't talk about it. I mentioned it here and there. I would just, you know, say kind of offhand that, Oh no, I don't drink, or, or whatever.
Um, there was no active acknowledgement of that part of my life. So when the switch came to a more active recovery, I started talking about it more. Um, it became a bit more common knowledge. I was less shy to talk about it around coworkers. If I was like in an environment with other tattoo artists at conventions or whatever, there, there's often tons of drinking, tons of partying, and I would.
Pull back from that, um, and not be a part of it. And when I was becoming more vocal in that, I would always notice that there would be like, you know, two or three other people that would also just like, politely like, turn a drink down. And so it became almost like comforting to know that the more I talked about it and the more I put it out in the open, the more other people would gravitate to me or I would gravitate to them and we would like find other people in, in recovery that also kind of held similar values and, uh, sharing those, those conversations and, um, just even, yeah, like meeting all sorts of people from all over the world, tattooers, uh, and, and otherwise that are in recovery was, was, was awesome.
That's gotta be
[00:54:31] Brenda: such a cool group of people to hang out with, I would imagine .
[00:54:34] JoCollette: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Um, and the more I, I talked. My experience in active prediction, I also found that people would start approaching me who were struggling a little bit or maybe who had questions about recovery and, and that was also really nice.
Um, I've, I've had as many, you know, sad stories that I have of friends who have not made it. I have, I have many of of people who have kind of come forward and asked for a little bit of help, um, and been greeted with open arms and have made a successful recovery and, and, uh, been able to kind turn their, turn their life around and be able to experience some of this.
Um, yeah, some of this like new, fresh. Life.
[00:55:31] Brenda: Yeah. Well, it reminds me of what you said about when you were still actively using and not really knowing, Well, who would I talk to about this? Like, who could I open up to, who wouldn't slam the door in my face or be angry be com confrontational. So I think it's just amazing that you could be that safe person for somebody to turn to who they could say, Well, she looks really cool and like she, you know, she talks about this.
And to be able to be that person is really, I think, a special gift that you have.
[00:56:04] JoCollette: Yeah, absolutely. I I definitely, I'm grateful for that, for sure. I, I, I like being approachable and, uh, that's, that's definitely one of the best things that has come from. Being an addict is being able to kind of like, have my cards on the table and say, Yeah, like, please talk to me about anything.
I don't mind. I can share my experience. I'm not a professional, but I, I went through something that might have some useful tidbits of information for you to kind of kickstart your own journey. Yeah. Well I would
[00:56:38] Brenda: say maybe you have a PhD in that, because
[00:56:42] JoCollette: Yeah.
[00:56:42] Brenda: You actually lived it. I was gonna ask you what, um, just one or two of the best things about your
[00:56:49] JoCollette: life and being in recovery.
Well, hands down the, the number one best thing is just being able to enjoy the present moment with, um, my son and my husband. My son's eight now, time passes so fast. Like I, I just value every moment with both of them so much. And. Not wasting any of that time on being sick or being scared or being like hurting for money or a safe place to stay.
Being able to leave all those things behind and just feel that safety and security and really be able to, to spend that quality time with, uh, those, those two people in my life, it's, it's definitely irreplaceable. Uh, I've also been lucky enough to be able to rekindle the relationship with, uh, my mom and my dad as well.
Wow. Um, and that, that does mean a lot to me. It's a work in progress for sure. But, um, as in adult that can take responsibility for, you know, my, my actions and my own boundaries and all that good stuff. It's been, um, a really, a really great thing to kind of work out the kinks there and, uh, and try to build more connection.
[00:58:11] Brenda: That's beautiful. The, the human relationships that can be restored are pretty amazing. So that's great to hear. Yeah. Well, I, I wanna let you get to your family and all of that, but my last question would be is if I could give you a billboard downtown Ontario. Well, I guess there's not a
[00:58:31] JoCollette: downtown Ontario. A downtown Ontario.
I guess that would be .
[00:58:34] Brenda: You could tell. I'm not so familiar with Canada, but
[00:58:37] JoCollette: that's okay. Let's say Toronto. Let's say that's a big city. Okay.
[00:58:41] Brenda: What would your billboard say? And that could be to somebody who's currently struggling, It could be to the family of people who are struggling. What, what would you just
[00:58:51] JoCollette: wanna put out there?
Uh, it's a tough one. I think. Um, I think I just wanna say we're, we're all the same. We're all human. If you see someone that's struggling or looks like. You'd wanna cross the street to avoid, just realize that they're somebody's son or daughter and they're human just as much as you or your child is, and they deserve just as much empathy and compassion and respect as anyone else that you might encounter.
Mm,
[00:59:33] Brenda: I love that. Thank you, ma'am. I appreciate your time and your insight, and I know this is gonna help a lot of people kind of get inside the mindset and get inside some of those experiences to help us understand something that's really hard to understand.
[00:59:53] JoCollette: Yeah, Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me.
It was, uh, it was my pleasure to, to be a part of this podcast. Thank you.
[01:00:06] Brenda: Okay, that is it for today. If you would like to get the show notes for this episode, you can go to brenda zane.com/podcast. All of the episodes are listed there and you can also find curated playlists there, so that's very helpful.
You might also wanna download a free ebook I wrote, it's called Hindsight. Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Misusing Drugs. It'll give you some insight as to why your son or daughter might be doing what they are. And importantly, it gives you tips on how to cope and how to be more healthy through this rough time.
You can grab that free from brenda zane.com/hindsight. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate it and I hope that these episodes are helping you stay strong and be very, very good to yourself, and I will meet you right back here next week.