four key insights from my conversation with Dr. Gabor Maté and The Myth of Normal, with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
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About this episode:
In a follow-up to episode 131 where I had a conversation with Dr. Gabor Maté about his new book, The Myth of Normal, I'm diving into four key insights I gleaned from the book and from our time together. While there are many more, these four elements of Gabor's overall message in the book and his work as a whole stood out, and I felt it was important to share them with you. These insights are ones that parents with kids struggling with substance use will find especially relevant as they navigate the wild ride.
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Well, I had planned a different episode for today, but after speaking with Dr. Gabor Maté last week, I decided to shift things slightly and just chat with you about some of the key aha moments I had during that conversation with him last week. And from his newest book, obviously the myth of normal also. Before we jump in, I wanna apologize in advance for any extra background noise you might hear today.
And also if you're listening in real-time, then in the next few months, because there is a construction site directly across the street for me, where they are building 40 townhouses, in between. And the leaf blowers at our townhouse development and garbage day on Wednesdays, it can get really tricky to find a quiet time to record.
So now that you are aware of the day-to-day struggles of podcaster, we will dive in and thank you in advance [00:03:00] again, for understanding.
There is so much in the myth of normal that it's really hard to boil it down. So I will do my best. I would really encourage you to get it and take your time reading through it. It is a lot, it is a massive book. It covers so much ground, but it is definitely, definitely worth a. When I step back from all of the individual learnings and light bulb moments, I had both reading the book and also in speaking with gaur.
Which, by the way, he insisted that I call him rather than Dr. Matay. So if you think I'm being disrespectful, that is his request. Um, what really settled inside of me after this experience was the need for self-awareness and self-compassion at a personal level and the dire need for a shift to. A more compassionate approach to supporting parents in our country, in the us, but even just compassion at a societal level.
So I wanna start with this concept of self-awareness and compassion. After reading 502 pages, I felt such a sense of awe and relief about the fact that we are genuinely shaped both for good and for bad by our, our environment. And those things that we [00:04:30] beat ourselves up for the things that cause us so much angst in life, we can really look at those as imprints of our surroundings and primarily our childhoods, not as character flaws or defects.
And when you think of your environment, think as far back as in utero and at birth, and if you did listen already to episode 131 with Gabor Maté, you will have heard the story of my son's birth and how that, um, has affected him side note. One of the many things I appreciate about this book is the 43 pages of notes and references to all of the studies and the research that are mentioned and referenced in this book.
they provide the background and the validation for the concepts that Gabor writes about. I think that's important because some of the things he talks about might be contradictory to what we have heard or been taught all of our lives. So I really appreciate that level of backup.
So back to self-awareness and compassion, I wanna read a short bit from the end of the book that I. Beautifully sums up what we need to keep front and center in our minds. And in our hearts,
It all starts with waking up, waking up to what is real and authentic in and around us and what isn't waking up [00:06:00] to, who we are and who we are not. Waking up to what our bodies are expressing and what our minds are suppressing, waking up to our wounds and our gifts, waking up to what we have believed and what we actually value waking up to what we will no longer tolerate and what we can now accept, waking up to the MIS that bind us and the interconnections that define us waking up to the past as it has been the present as it is and the future as it yet, may.
Waking up most, especially to the gap between what our essence calls for and what normal has demanded of us. We are blessed with a momentous opportunity, shedding toxic myths of disconnection from ourselves from one another. And from the planet we can bring what is normal and what is natural bit by bit closer together.
It is a task for the age. One that can redeem the past, inspire the present and point to a brighter, healthier future. It is our most daunting challenge and greatest possibility.
I will say, as we are waking up to what's real and authentic and to the things that have happened in our families and to our kids, we need to be very careful not to fall into a blame spiral and ruminate on what could have [00:07:30] been or what should have been.
I have talked with many people in the past who've expressed this sentiment, that knowing what they know now they can see how their child's path could have been different, that they might have been able to steer things in a better, healthier direction.
My thoughts on that are twofold one. Yes, things might have been different if we'd been more aware of some of the circumstances and trauma. We and our kids have experienced and therefore we might have changed our approach to life and to parenting. And two, there's a good chance that things would've turned out the same.
So spending time being consumed with wonder and guilt about what cannot be changed now is truly a waste of our energy. What is worth our energy, I think, is being open to learning, open, to digging into parts of our. That might be painful and ugly to look at, and then applying learnings that we find there to bettering who and how we are today and tomorrow.
And that will impact future generations.
We should be able to step back from books like the myth of normal. Or in the realm of hungry ghosts when the body says no, or the documentary of Gabor Maté’s work, the wisdom of trauma, and be okay to sit with the knowledge that the way we are makes sense, it's [00:09:00] all connected.
And also that we can change and be different. As a parent, looking at ourselves as an essential piece of the difficult dizzying puzzle that we're facing with our kids is so hard. And if we don't do that, We don't open ourselves to examination and growth. We will stay stuck in the same patterns and cycles that we've been in sometimes for many generations, so that is one huge aha. I took away from the book and my time with G was the dire need for self-reflection awareness and compassion.
The second major takeaway for me is the non-debatable link between stress and illness. In the book, GA talks about how our social and economic culture generates chronic stressors that undermine our wellbeing in very, very serious ways. He talks about how in laboratories, scientists grow cultures, which are biochemical bros that they custom make to promote the development of a specific organism.
If you assume that the microbes in that culture start out healthy. Then a well-maintained culture should lead to healthy growth and development. If the same organism begins to show unhealthy at unprecedented rates, or if [00:10:30] they fail to thrive, it's either because the culture has been contaminated or it was the wrong mixture in the first place. Either way, you can say it's a toxic culture that isn't compatible for the creature. It is supposed to be supporting and nurturing, but worse than that, the environment is dangerous to the existence of the organism. And I think it is pretty safe to say that a lot about our current culture. If we look at it from the standpoint of a lab experiment, at least is highly toxic.
That is evidenced by the fact that in the U.S., 60% of adults have a chronic disorder, like high blood pressure or diabetes, and over 40% have two or more of those conditions. And nearly 70% of Americans are on at least one prescription drug And more than half, take two. In Canada, depression and anxiety are the fastest-growing diagnoses. China is now entering the era of obesity and ADHD and Europe is having a significant mental health crisis. So to me that says something is a. But the point from the book is that we have gotten so acculturated to all of this, that it starts to seem normal.
I will never forget being at a friend's house when our kids were in high school. I think they were sophomores. And there were 10 moms [00:12:00] sitting around jabbering about life and kids. And someone asked whose kids were on ADHD. Me. Eight out of the 10 raised their hands. Of course, we all had boys. All of them were being medicated at the age of 16 and it was shocking, but we all kind of acknowledged that. Wow, that seems crazy. And then we went on with our conversation. It shouldn't be normal to have eight of 10 adolescent boys taking powerful stimulant medication.
Chapter 23 is one that stopped me in my tracks. The title is society's shock absorbers, why women have it worse? And whoa, it is eye-opening for sure. Women suffer chronic illness of the body. Things like chronic pain, migraines, fibromyalgia irritable bowel syndrome, and autoimmune conditions like rheumatoid arthritis and lupus, And are more likely to be diagnosed with mental illness than men and the medical community, for the most part, considers this to be a mystery. If you have been diagnosed with one of these conditions, male or female, think back to all of the doctors that you've seen, how long is the average appointment and how many of them asked you about your. Your stressors, your childhood experiences or your family [00:13:30] situation. I'm guessing very few. If any, if you look at our culture, it is one that subtly and not so subtly pressures, women to suppress who they are, stuff their emotions, be nice, be helpful and polite and ignore what is happening in our bodies. The term Dr. Maté uses is self-silencing, which he describes as the tendency to silence one's thoughts and feelings to maintain safe relationships, particularly intimate relationships.
And by safe, don't just think physically safe, which is definitely true, but emotionally safe as well. We talked about it briefly in the interview, but I just want to, again, highlight the link between parent or caregiver, stress and disease Research has discovered that when people feel threatened and insecure, especially over a prolonged period of time, our bodies are programmed to turn on inflammatory genes, which are the precursors to these diseases and conditions that we've been talking about. So please take note.
For you as the parent or the primary caregiver to your son or daughter who is struggling and anyone else who you might be caring for right now, it is vitally important for your health and longevity to surround yourself with people and practices that will at least from time to time, give you some space to get some rest and [00:15:00] nurture yourself, find a therapist, who you can work through and talk about your emotions with, and this work absolutely includes a very healthy dose of self-compassion.
I could literally spend a couple of hours just on this topic of stress and illness, but I know you're gonna read the book, so I will move on to another subject that is so important for us to understand as parents.
And that is authenticity.
[00:16:30] The book hold onto your kids was co-authored by Dr. Gordon Newfeld and Dr. Matay. And I think Dr. Newfeld beautifully summed up what young people need. Most children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence exactly the way they are. With that in mind, the parent's primary task beyond providing for the child's survival requirements is to emanate a simple message to the child in word deed. And most of all energetic presence that he or she is precisely the person they love welcome and want the child doesn't have to do anything or be any different to win that love. In fact, cannot do anything because this abiding embrace cannot be. Nor can it be revoked? It doesn't depend on the child's behavior or personality. It is just there. Whether the child is showing up as good or bad naughty or nice.
I've had so many experts on this podcast talking about how parents need to let go of their expectations and desired outcomes for their kids and let them be who they. And I consistently hear from parents that that is one of the hardest things for them to do. So in that case, we go back to the very hard and uncomfortable work of examining ourselves and why we so badly need and want our kids to do certain things, [00:18:00] get the right grades, play the right sport and not just the sport, but the position in that sport. Get accepted to this specific college or family of colleges, end up with the right career in a socially acceptable family unit. And all of those things aren't bad. But if we stuff our kids into our desired mold, it doesn't allow them to choose for themselves who and what they are and want to be. And that is dangerous.
If we start with ourselves, we can do what Gabor recommends, which is to first notice when authenticity isn't there and then apply that same curiosity and gentle skepticism to the limiting beliefs that are taking its place. You can ask yourself. Why do I want my daughter to get all A's? Why is it so important for me that my son is the best pitcher in his league and go to a D1 college? Why can't I get comfortable with my daughter dating girls? We know authenticity isn't there. When we feel tension, anxiety, irritability, regret, depression, or fatigue It wears on us to not be authentic. So we need to ask, what do we fear when we exert these expected outcomes on our kids? Are there truths and emotions that I am withholding that need to be expressed? And where did those fears come [00:19:30] from? If you can even say I'm really scared to let go of this. I am scared to be myself in this situation. That in itself is a start toward authenticity.
And the last subject I wanna touch on today because it's something I see. So many parents wrestle with me included is anger. Anger is one of the emotions we most often try to deny and banish from our children and ourselves that that's all it. It's an emotion, just like joy or excitement. So why are we so afraid of anger? Why were we taught that it is a bad thing? Unhealthy anger is what we often see that can look like that. Blind rage, a lack of control, venom, resentment, and explosive out burst. But those are just the outcomes of an unhealthy buildup of unexpressed emotions that need to be felt and expressed. So both anger, suppressed and anger, amplified out of proportion are toxic.
When you think about anger though, it's what we feel when there is a threat to our life or our physical or emotional integrity. We can't avoid it. It's a self-protection mechanism that lives in all of us and it's essential for our survival. It's when our anger becomes toxic, that [00:21:00] we need to look at the stories and the thought patterns that are feeding it. Those usually are self-righteousness. Defensiveness or self-flagellating thoughts. And we need to do this examination without invalidating that anger emotion. We also need to look at where we are people pleasing, either saying yes, when we want and need to say no or vice versa, which then builds up that explosive volcano of emotion that eats away at our health.
For a lot of us, especially as we deal with long-term drama and stress with our kids, we minimize our anger to the point where we don't even know what it looks like. Here is a tip from the book, wherever we find ourselves tolerating or explaining away situations that persistently stress us out. When we insist that it's not that bad. Or I can handle it, or I don't wanna make a big deal about this. I'll just do it, or I'll just overlook it. There's likely an opportunity right there to give anger a healthy space to emerge. Even if you can just say, I don't want this, or I don't like this. That is a big step forward.
For a lot of parents who are dealing with unbelievably stressful and scary situations. It's not a question of whether to be angry. We know we're angry at a society that still places, so much [00:22:30] stigma on addiction. We are justifiably angry at China and at the Mexican cartels for supplying the fentanyl that is killing our kids. We're angry at the local drug dealer. Who's truthfully, probably in just as much pain as ours. We might be angry at a spouse or an ex-spouse for the way we think they're dealing with things. There really is no shortage of reasons to be angry. What we need to question is how to relate in a healthy and wholesome way to these feelings. That are naturally just a part of the ebb and flow of life, especially a life like yours. And that my friend is the hard, hard work to do.
Well, clearly I could go on and on and maybe I'll do a few of these to dig into some of what I think are the most pertinent topics in the book, the method normal. For parents whose kids are struggling, there are so many other critical topics I wanna talk about, including attachment, self-inquiry, sensitivity, and vulnerability, ADHD, self harm, of course, addiction and trauma, and the ways that Dr. Maté shares that we can start to heal. So for now, I want to leave you with this thought about the healing we can all do.
“Any movement toward wholeness begins with the acknowledgement of our own suffering and of the suffering in the world. [00:24:00] This doesn't mean getting caught up in a never ending vortex of pain melancholy, and especially victimhood a new and rigid identity founded on trauma. Or for that matter healing can be its own kind of. True healing simply means opening ourselves to the truth of our lives past and present as plainly and objectively as we can. We acknowledge where we were wounded. And as we are able to perform an honest audit of the impacts of those injuries, as they've touched both our own lives and those of others around us.”