10 1/2 months later
As part of my routine I listen to podcasts related to what's happening with the opioid epidemic - which helps keep me up to date on progress that's being made and innovative solutions that people and cities are coming up with to combat the crisis. Today I watched the trailer for "The Trade" which is a Showtime documentary that covers the crisis from three viewpoints; the drug cartels in Mexico - and specifically the poppy growers in Guerrero, the police and also the view from a family who's son's are battling the disease of addiction to heroin. As I watched I literally started shaking and feeling anxiety and tightness in my chest because watching the family that's allowed the show to follow their story could have in fact been mine. If I swapped out a picture of my son with theirs, and filmed in Seattle versus Atlanta, it would have been us.
I realized that as you go through the horror of trying to get your child back from the thief that has taken them, you start to lose context for how bizarre and irrational and infuriating it is. Just watching this mom deal with her son - doing the exact same things I did - confirmed to me that the trauma isn't just happening to the person who's addicted to the drug, it's extremely traumatic to the people who are desperately trying to pull them back to the real world.
Maybe the most torturous thing is to watch this beautiful, smart, loving and kind person that you gave birth to and raised, turn into someone that you can't trust in your home alone for fear they'll steal something, can't give $5 to for food because you know they won't buy food, someone that you know lies to you and manipulates you to get whatever it is they need to get more drugs, to stay high, to not get sick, to make it through another day. And you know they don't want that life and yet their brain is operating from a hijacked place that has been so altered that they don't know how to do anything else.
Ten months after my son almost lost his battle with addiction I'm seeing things in a new light and have had to do a lot of hard work to get healthy myself. The physical impact that this disease takes on those who make up the support system for a person trying to reclaim their life is significant. I heard for a long time about "self care" which I thought I didn't have time for - and frankly, I didn't even know how to care for myself because my focus was 110% on my son and his brother. Recently though, I've been forced to learn how to take care of me - because my body started shutting down, telling me it was my time now. It's been a challenge and I'm not fully back to normal but I'm learning to care for me because the saying is true - you can't pour from an empty cup!
My heart aches for the mom in this documentary, because mine has been in the same state of hurt and anger and confusion. There are 5 episodes, I'm not sure how long it'll take me to watch them all because I'm feeling so much anxiety after seeing just the trailer. It's important though to keep informed and remember that this battle is still raging - and we can't let up in working to help the people who are still in the grip of addiction.