how heavy is your glass? perspective and coping skills for parents of teens struggling with drugs or alcohol, with Brenda Zane
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Instagram: @the.stream.community
The Stream Community: online and app-based community for moms of kids experimenting with or addicted to drugs or alcohol
Free ebook: “HINDSIGHT: 3 Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted to Drugs, by Brenda Zane. Download here
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Show Transcript:
Speaker: Brenda Zane
Welcome. I'm so glad you're here with me today. I'm just also so glad to have this space where we can come together and talk about hard things. I know from your feedback and from your messages that you are going through hard things. And the fact that you are here today, listening to this episode at the exact time and day that you are means you're in the right place, it means that you are nourishing yourself and taking good care of yourself. Even if this is the only thing that you do for yourself today. It's a good thing. And so I'm just glad that you're here. So thank you for joining me.
There's a little story or scenario, I guess you could say that you may or may not have heard that I want to start out with today and sort of weave through this episode because it's so relevant to many, or I would say actually most of you. If you and I were in the same room, and I handed you a glass of water, and I asked you how much it weighed, you would probably look at how big the glass was and say eight or 12 or 16 ounces, based on how big it was. And if I asked you to hold your arm out straight, so the glass was an arm's length away from you. And I told you to keep it there while I ran to do an errand. And then I came back an hour later and asked you again, how heavy is the glass of water? You might have a different answer. It might be feeling a lot heavier after I got back from running my errand. And then what if I said, okay, I'm going to add some more water to the glass. And now you need to hold it up above your head. And I'll be back. But don't move your arm. And I left and I went on vacation for a month. And I returned back a month later to where you were standing still standing there holding this very full glass of water above your head. How heavy would it be then?
My friends, many of you have been holding that glass of water above your head for a long time. I am of course talking about the heaviness and the burden and the weight of having a child who is struggling either with substance use with addiction with emotional challenges with any of the things that our kids are dealing with. And so I'm sure this analogy is not lost on you. But I wanted to just weave that in because I think it's a great visual for us to keep in our minds, because sometimes we can feel like maybe it's all in our head, maybe this is not such a burden, maybe we should just know how to do this.
Maybe other people are doing it better than us. And so I'm going to keep this glass of water flowing, if you will, through this episode, because I want you to think about this in very, very real, tactical, practical terms. And sometimes we just need a visual to be able to do that. Some of you are just entering this phase. And it's maybe been weeks or months. And some of you have been holding it for years. And some of you have been holding this glass of water over your head for over a decade. And you're feeling the impact of it. Sometimes you wonder why your arm is cramping, or you have headaches, or stomach aches, or lots of other weird aches and pains. Yet you have been holding a glass of water above your head for a very long time. So how would you not feel those things.
You might also be feeling like, hey, how come I have to hold this glass of water, and you look around, and you don't really see anyone else holding a glass of water, or at least not one that's as full as yours. And maybe they're kind of resting it on the side of their couch, they're not really holding it over their head. And you can get kind of bitter about this. And kind of angry, it doesn't seem fair. But you're not really sure what to do with your glass. So you just keep holding it up there. And sometimes you even let people pour more water into it.
I speak from experience as somebody who held a very full glass of water above her head for many years. So I know what the crap in your arm feels like, I know how you can get really exhausted and bitter about it. And so I'd like to offer a few thoughts on different ways to make the holding process a little bit less painful. Before I do that, though, I think it's really important to acknowledge that it's pretty much impossible to just sat down your glass of water, people will tell you oh, just set it down. just have some fun, just be happy. Don't always be so anxious or don't always be so sad. Just set it down. And yeah, that would be amazing. But setting down your glass of water and just forgetting that it's there is really hard to do. And don't feel like you should even be able to do it. I just wanted to mention that because often we can feel like somehow we're failing, if we never set this burden down. And we shouldn't feel that way. It's okay, you can still get relief without having to try and set it down completely.
So given that setting it down entirely may not be an option, there are basically two ways that you can go about giving your arm and your body a rest. You can make your glass lighter, or you can let someone else help you hold it. And these things are not mutually exclusive. So if you can do both, that is ideal.
The first thing I'd like to offer is that you need to make sure people can see that you are holding a really heavy glass of water above your head. If nobody knows that you're holding it, they really can't help. And often we try to make our weary arm and our really heavy class invisible so that nobody sees them. And we say things like, Oh, I'm good, the kids are good, everything's fine. Or, yeah, I'm just tired from working so much. You know, things like that. And I'm hoping that you have at least one or two people in your life who you can trust to tell them about your very heavy glass of water. You can share how painful it is to hold and hopefully they'll be able to listen without judgment or advice.
Now if you don't have any of these people in your life, you can find a community or group that will be there for you. And right now, we're in COVID-19 periods. So for right now in 2020 that might mean an online Al-Anon group or connecting with other parents from your son or daughter's treatment program - if they're in treatment, or it can be a space like The Stream Community where you can just hang out with other moms, who are all holding similarly heavy glasses. But the important thing is to make it visible to at least a couple of people who can be empathetic. And ideally, people who have also had experience of holding a really heavy glass for a really long time.
Once you find your people, that is when you can start experimenting with letting them help you hold your glass just once in a while. Or if that doesn't feel right, you could also have them just prop up your arm, if you're not able to, to let it go all together. And they could do this by getting you out of the house on a regular basis just to do something normal where you feel less isolated. Or they could help declutter a space in your home that's bugging you and causing you stress, they could just sit and listen to you talk about whatever feels good, they could make phone calls for you that might have might be backing up. Or maybe they could even just make you a meal. The trick is, you need to let them know how they can help. And this can feel hard at first I know. But you can start really small with somebody very close to you. And then you can work your way up to accepting more help for more people.
So that's the concept of letting someone help you carry a glass of water, the other thing that you can do is to take some water out, right? So you can make the glass lighter. And one of the ways that we tend to keep our glass heavier than it needs to be is by keeping it filled with events from the past. We fill it with guilt, and we fill it with worry about the future. And these things will definitely make your glass much heavier than it needs to be. If you're ruminating about the past about how you got here, about things you did do or you didn't do or decisions that you made, or conversations that you should have had, the glass is going to get super duper heavy. And if you add on guilt, about your parenting skills and anxiety and worry about what might happen tomorrow, you're basically pouring cement into your glass of water. And all of those things are natural to feel. But allowing them to fill your glass is only going to take away from the strength that you need to hold it up in the first place.
And one thing I do want to point out here is that there may be experiences or decisions in the past that can be very valuable lessons. And so I'm not saying to just ignore everything in the past and write it off, if there are lessons that you've learned along the way, and I know that there are hold on to those, but let go of the shame and the guilt that usually kind of pads around those lessons. So if you can pour some of that out, let it go. Consider those lessons learned, your glass will become so much lighter.
The other way to lighten your glass is to prevent yourself or others from adding to it, you want to put a cap on it. So nothing or at least very little can be added. And this happens when we commit to things that we shouldn't. When we say yes to something that we need to say no to. Or when we keep people in relationships in our lives that continually pour more water on top of what's already there. It could be their negativity, or their lack of empathy. It could be that you've asked them to learn about substance use and addiction and they're just not really into it or taking the time to learn. And this can also look like expectations that you have of yourself that aren't realistic or even rational. Sometimes we get to this point where we're making very irrational decisions and holding ourselves to expectations that we shouldn't.
And these expectations might be around your home and what it looks like or your schedule or your exercise routine or your diet. So pushing these things on yourself in an unhealthy way just adds additional water to your glass. And there's a time for you to do and to take care of everything and everyone else. And I know many of you and I know how incredibly talented and amazing you are as women, as men, as fathers, as professionals in your field, I know that we have teachers and authors and lawyers and business executives and healthcare professionals in this special club that we're in. And you are so crazy capable of doing so much. And right now, I just want you to think about prioritizing yourself and your self care, so that you can continue to hold your glass of water in a way that is manageable for you.
And you can conquer the world, but it might not be the right time right now. This week, just think about your glass of water. How full is it? Can you pour some water out? Can you put a lid on it, or maybe some saran wrap, just so that nothing can get added or just a little bit could get added? Is there anyone that you have around you that can help you hold your glass or somebody that could at least prop up your arm for a little bit. We're heading into a really busy season, it's the end of a pretty insane here. And you really owe it to yourself. Give yourself the gift of resting that arm. And also recognize how long you've been holding it above your head and give yourself a little pat on the back for that. I can tell you it is so important to put some of these things into practice so that your arm doesn't break. And your glass doesn't come crashing down on your head. Because ignoring that cramp in your arm, the pain in your shoulder or your neck isn't helping you. And it's not helping your son or your daughter. So just be really careful to pay attention to those things.
If you're a mom listening to this and thinking hmm, there must be other moms out there listening to I can tell you that there are thousands of other moms that are searching for this same information. And for a more personal connection. You can find me and a bunch of these moms by going to my website Brenda Zane calm and there you will get lots of information about a really special online community of moms called The Stream. We have regular calls and chat sessions. We do a monthly yoga class for stress and anxiety. And it's all positively focused. It is not on Facebook and it's completely confidential. Membership is on a pay-what-you-can model. So if you want to join this community and you need the support, you're in.
You might also want to download my free ebook called “HINDSIGHT, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted To Drugs.” It is packed with information that I truly wish I had known back in the darker years with my son. And so I share it now in case it might be helpful to you in your journey. You can get that at Brendazane.com/hindsight, and I will put a link to both of these resources in the show notes as well.
Thank you so much for listening. I'll meet you right back here next week.