recovery story: from drug-induced psychosis and homelessness to a stable life at age 22
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Guest: Spencer
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about this episode:
I’m always happy to share testimony from individuals in recovery. Their stories give hope and perspective to families of young people currently working through substance misuse and treatment. The stories I’ve previously shared have almost always been from people in recovery for a decade or more. Today, you’ll hear fresh perspective from Spencer, a young man of 22 celebrating one year in recovery.
episode resources:
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It's been a while since I've had a recovery story on, so I'm bringing you one today that I think will provide some real aha moments. I believe these stories are important because it's one thing to hear this stuff for me and it's another to hear it from a young person who has lived experience with substances and mental health.
It is really a brave thing for a young person who is only 22 to share their story on a podcast, especially when they're new to recovery. Spencer is one of those brave guys. He had ten months of recovery when we spoke and he was willing to take us on his journey starting in eighth grade when he discovered alcohol and marijuana.
I am not sure if you have picked up on this, but eighth grade is often the time when kids find their way to substances, either as a way to cope with difficult emotions or trauma, or to fit in socially or to ease anxiety. It's the age I hear both from parents and therapists as one of the most pivotal in terms of kids veering off track or staying on track.
And I have learned a big part of which direction they take at that fork in the road tends to be their support system, their friend group, and how attuned their parents are to who they truly are as an individual and what they're experiencing in school and life. It's an age where they need tools to help with anxiety and distress, tolerance, and it's also a time when they often don't want to talk or share much with you as a parent.
00;02;52;14
Brenda
So it is really challenging. I don't have a magic answer for you. I truly wish I did, but I do want to highlight that because you can be more aware and also seek out resources to help your family through those really hard middle school and early high school years. What you're going to hear now from Spencer is a really honest account of what he was struggling with, how his thought process worked and the bumpy road he traveled to get to where he is today, which is a productive member of society with a great job and healed relationships with his family.
It is impressive and I know it will be inspirational to you regardless of where your child is in the journey. So take a listen and I will see you on the other side.
Brenda
Welcome, Spencer, to Hopestream. This is going to be a great conversation. I love talking to people in recovery, so I really appreciate you coming on today. So thanks.
00;03;59;18 - 00;04;01;11
Spencer
Thank you for having me. I'm excited.
00;04;01;21 - 00;04;39;15
Brenda
Yeah. You know, what's really cool about this conversation is that I think the all the other people I was trying to just rewind in my brain earlier today, I think all the other people I've had on the podcast who are in recovery have been at least ten years or more. And so I think that's a different conversation. I mean, I'm sure there's similarities, but I think it's really cool that you're willing to do this fairly new into recovery because there's going to be things and insights that you have I think that we might miss if we talk to somebody who is, you know, ten, 15, 20 years down the road.
00;04;39;15 - 00;04;55;19
Brenda
So why don't you tell us kind of where you are today as much as you want, where you live, what you do, what life looks like on a day to day basis, just sort of quickly and then we'll go back and do a little bit of a rewind and find the story, probably back when you were a bit younger.
00;04;55;19 - 00;04;56;14
Brenda
Does that sound okay?
00;04;57;00 - 00;05;26;22
Spencer
Yeah. Currently, I have ten months clean and that is total abstinence, no drugs or alcohol. I do use nicotine like I smoke cigarets and I vape and stuff, but I am a productive member of society. I have a full time job and I'm a semi-truck driver. I love what I do. I have healthy relationships with my family.
00;05;26;29 - 00;05;29;22
Brenda
And just for context, how old are you?
00;05;30;08 - 00;05;32;22
Spencer
I just turned 22 in November.
00;05;33;09 - 00;05;38;08
Brenda
So. 22? No, he said nine months. Right.
00;05;39;04 - 00;05;39;26
Spencer
I have ten months.
00;05;40;01 - 00;05;59;24
Brenda
Ten months? Which, trust me, I know every month counts. That's pretty incredible. That's pretty incredible. Just that I mean, I don't want to overlook that fact because, you know, you mention I also have a job. I drive a semi-truck, which, you know, I am I know they don't hand over the keys to semi trucks to just anybody. Right.
00;05;59;25 - 00;06;07;10
Brenda
You have to go through quite a bit to get that. You have healthy relationships. I mean, I just hope you give yourself credit for that.
00;06;07;16 - 00;06;33;19
Spencer
Yeah, I'm I'm proud of myself. Like I make I didn't become a truck driver because I wanted anybody to congratulate me or acknowledge it. I just did it for myself. And I'm proud of myself. Like I came a long way. And it's great when other people recognize my progress, but ultimately it's like I'm proud of myself.
00;06;33;24 - 00;06;56;09
Brenda
So yeah, yeah, well, it it can be. And I just know this because I've been through this with my son as well. So it can be, I think, easy to fall into some traps of kind of old thinking or comparison and so I just always like to make sure that people recognize how significant it is, what you've done.
00;06;56;09 - 00;06;56;24
Brenda
So.
00;06;57;10 - 00;07;15;02
Spencer
Yeah, I used to kind of like always have this mindset when someone else is doing better than me or had a hotter girlfriend or they had a made more money. It's like I would try to like almost sabotage that because of jealousy or whatever. But now it's like, I'm just happy for that person.
00;07;15;18 - 00;07;21;16
Brenda
Hmm. How did you get there? Like what switched that you're able to have that perspective?
00;07;22;15 - 00;07;37;28
Spencer
Yeah, I think I just got tired of thinking negatively in that area and just be happy for people because I realized there is nothing to gain by trying to terrorist me down. So I just. That's kind of how it changed.
00;07;38;14 - 00;08;13;01
Brenda
That's awesome. I think there's a lot of very old people who would benefit from having that perspective, so I wish we could spread that around a little bit more. Why don't we hop on a time machine and go back to You can pick the time, but maybe a time when you think you started to sort of feel things shift for you in not such a great direction, or if there's a period of time where where you want to start and just sort of tell us what transpired to lead you to getting into some of the things that you got into.
00;08;13;21 - 00;08;45;04
Spencer
I did realize at the time the path I was choosing to go down, but I went to a small school up until high school and in middle school, like eighth grade, I started finding, like I said, like really being interested in like, marijuana and like, really curious about it. And I smoked weed for the first time. I drank alcohol for the first time in eighth grade, and it really enjoyed the alcohol that much at all.
00;08;46;15 - 00;09;17;03
Spencer
But I smoke weed and I got to try and it's like being silly and everything. And it was just a weekend thing for me. Throughout my freshman year. I would ask my mom every weekend and she could give me a ride over to my friend's house and then there'd be a three of us and we'd go out to this little like training area where they track these trains of like stop and park and stuff, and we climb up there and smoke weed.
00;09;17;03 - 00;09;48;01
Spencer
And it was like it started out as like a weekend thing and it was fun. It was like it was a blast, just super high and like, no tolerance and just kind of have fun. So like, I went to a big school for high school and I noticed that when I when I walked on campus that first day, I was like, so filled with anxiety and I was like, This is what anxiety is.
00;09;48;01 - 00;10;26;27
Spencer
And I knew it when I started experiencing it. I like I don't know if I identified it right then, but it was the first time in my life that I really noticed. I was like really nervous and anxious and I kind of I smoke weed, drink a little bit Sometimes I smoke weed on the weekends and then kind of started going into like going to school high, stoned and like for 20 it was like a big fun day because like, I had like an edible and one of my childhood friends had an edible and it was just kind of like this, like start is like a fun thing.
00;10;27;07 - 00;11;01;19
Spencer
But then like my sophomore year came around and I was involved with this, this girl and I don't know why, but that's how my life is when the like the disease of addiction, like, really like, reared its head, which was always there. But I just started to get like anxiety through the roof, like I'd go to school and like, try to interact with people because I'm like social and extrovert and I would try to interact and socialize with people and walk up to people, talk to them, just be funny or whatever.
00;11;01;19 - 00;11;26;01
Spencer
And I couldn't keep my composure and like face someone face to face. I like couldn't even look someone in the eye and hold the conversation because I just like had overwhelming emotions of anxiety or shame or something like I don't even know what it was I was feeling, but it was very uncomfortable and embarrassing and I didn't want people to know what I was feeling.
00;11;26;20 - 00;11;51;02
Spencer
And I tried to hide it as best I could. But I noticed at that time in my sophomore year was when I really started trying to smoke weed as much as I could before school, smoked weed at lunch, go to go to the park at lunch. It was just right down the road from the high school, right? And try to and I would just get high every every day at that point because when I would get stoned, I didn't have to feel anything.
00;11;51;18 - 00;12;06;16
Spencer
I was just kind of in the moment, I guess, and like not in my head. And so it was at that time it was around like my sophomore year that I started to really become like dependent where like to feel okay, like I had to be stoned.
00;12;07;02 - 00;12;31;19
Brenda
Yeah. Can we go back just a little bit? Because you, you said something that I think a lot of parents and, you know, the people that listen to this are going to mostly be parents who are in probably what your parent's shoes were are your mom and your stepdad shoes where you don't necessarily understand what that anxiety is.
00;12;31;19 - 00;12;52;03
Brenda
It's like, come on, go to school. You know, it's high school. Everybody goes to high school. What could you be so worried about? Like what? You're a cool kid, you're friendly, you're outgoing, and and you said, you know, as soon as you got to that big campus, you just felt this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Could you talk about what that kind of felt like inside of you?
00;12;52;07 - 00;12;57;13
Brenda
Kind of what do you know what you were afraid of or what was causing that?
00;12;58;07 - 00;13;12;01
Spencer
It was like I was so shaky on the inside and I had no sense of inner strength to just be myself and like, yeah, I don't know if it was anxiety for sure, but.
00;13;12;18 - 00;13;18;04
Brenda
Would you feel like in your chest or what? Like from a physical standpoint, what would it was like?
00;13;18;14 - 00;13;42;25
Spencer
It sounds funny, but it was like in my like my facial area, like, like I was just like my like my smile. Like, I was just insecure about my smile. And I just for some reason, like the emotion itself was would get triggered because, like, I would try to cover it up by smiling. And whenever I smile is I felt like I was overtaken with that emotion and it's weird.
00;13;42;25 - 00;13;50;12
Spencer
I don't I don't know if anyone else can identify with that, but it was like my my face and my smile and like, I've been told I'm a pretty handsome person, but.
00;13;50;15 - 00;13;52;23
Brenda
I've seen you. So I would agree.
00;13;55;06 - 00;14;03;02
Spencer
But it's like, weird because, like, I didn't like, I couldn't like, face someone and have like a I don't know, I just that's self-harm.
00;14;03;02 - 00;14;03;20
Brenda
That's.
00;14;04;08 - 00;14;05;00
Spencer
Yeah, yeah.
00;14;05;20 - 00;14;26;15
Brenda
Yeah. I think that's really common and I just wanted to tap into that a little bit because I think it can be hard as a parent to really understand what someone's going through, what our kids are going through when they feel that way because, you know, we're always like, Oh, you're amazing. Oh, you're so talented. Oh, you're this, oh, you're that.
00;14;26;29 - 00;14;31;25
Brenda
And we think that that's going to, like, make them feel that way. And I think it doesn't.
00;14;32;24 - 00;14;59;14
Spencer
Well, people like it's crazy how like so many people did not even know what I was going through, but I was, like, struggling. So, like, I just think back now and I'm like, I was like, I am like, pretty tough. Like emotionally, not really physically, but emotionally. I was like, ready to go to the doctor and be like, I need some anxiety medication because, like, this is just I always before that point in my life, I was always very confident.
00;14;59;14 - 00;15;13;21
Spencer
And then I and I started getting such bad things. I where I was like, what is going on with me? And like there was a lot of pot smoking marijuana. And that definitely makes it like so much worse.
00;15;13;26 - 00;15;22;16
Brenda
Yeah. Yes. And the the misperception is, oh, this is this is going to make it all better, which I'm sure it does for a little while.
00;15;22;18 - 00;15;23;24
Spencer
It's just a Band-Aid. Yeah.
00;15;23;25 - 00;15;34;03
Brenda
Yeah. Okay. So now you're in high school, you're smoking a lot of weed. You're still feeling anxious. And what's what's happening then?
00;15;35;02 - 00;16;14;18
Spencer
I had, like, a spiritual awakening, and I started becoming aware of my emotions a lot more. And I just. I kind of stuck to myself for a while, and I cut off like all my smoking buddies and and all the people that I was formally hanging out with. I start smoking weed and I pretty much stayed completely sober for like seven months and just kind of got into spirituality and was watching a lot of YouTube videos and just reading stuff and all that, like New Age type spirituality stuff.
00;16;14;18 - 00;16;54;24
Spencer
And then I met this, this guy and we became friends at school and he said he was kind of going through the same thing. And then I just one day was like, kind of I felt like drawn to, to smoke weed again. So I did. And I was a junior in high school at this point. And I also tried LSD that year when I was a junior, and the weed smoking progressed basically slowly over time and I wasn't really getting any real benefit from it because like I felt fine sober.
00;16;54;24 - 00;17;26;17
Spencer
It was just for some reason my, my addictive mentality was like, just wanted to do it. And so like, I was gradually smoking weed, took LSD, tried that, and it was like a crazy high, like, really intense. And I took that and ran with it and didn't think about the consequences and so by the time I was a senior, I had done more then more LSD by that point, smoked and was smoking weed all the time.
00;17;26;17 - 00;17;49;23
Spencer
Like when I was a senior. It's like I was I dealt with like odd, like ever since like my junior and senior year, I dealt with like really, really intense, like painful feelings of loneliness and just feeling isolated and which I know, like, there's so many people that feel that, that especially like young people I know they do.
00;17;50;09 - 00;18;12;05
Spencer
And I developed some serious, like drug induced psychosis type mental issues from the LSD and was smoking weed all the time. And I'm just kind of walk like I had nothing. They didn't have a lot person even I lived in my parents house. I had $0 and I became like spiritually bankrupt. Am I going too far? Do you want to keep going?
00;18;12;12 - 00;18;33;19
Brenda
No, no, that's great. But I would love to ask you, you said the word consequence was and and I don't want you to lose track of where you were because I wanted you to keep going. But I also think that's one thing where as parents, we look at what our kids are doing. We're like, don't they see the consequences of what they're doing?
00;18;33;19 - 00;18;39;16
Brenda
And so I would love to get your insight on that. What are you thinking when you're doing all of these things?
00;18;40;28 - 00;19;14;06
Spencer
The answer is no, We don't see the consequences. I know that. Yeah. Yeah. We don't. Because I think at that age it's the brain's not fully developed, first of all. And so we're not thinking long term. The consequences don't really matter because you want to get high and most addicts get high till the wheels fall off, till it's like they hit their bottom and then they're motivated or willing to get clean and try a new way of life or two steps, etc., work the program.
00;19;14;22 - 00;19;38;00
Brenda
So that's helpful. Thank you. Because I think that's one of the things that's extremely frustrating. And, you know, we as parents, we sort of just being our head against the wall saying how in the world is this kid not see what's happening? But it's great to hear that from you, that it isn't a willful like, oh, I'm just going to ignore all these bad things that are happening.
00;19;38;00 - 00;19;40;13
Brenda
It's just not even in the picture.
00;19;41;05 - 00;20;11;24
Spencer
Real quick, here's like a nugget. When I was like a senior in high school and I was had drug induced psychosis and I was still attending school and just like super addicted and just miserable, I didn't know, even though I said things, did things that were like really weird and uncomfortable for my parents and just I just acted out in certain ways and I did not even know I needed help.
00;20;11;26 - 00;20;33;28
Spencer
I was like, I didn't know anything had changed. I didn't know I used to be healthy and I didn't know anything had even gone wrong or that I like. I was just lost. And and it wasn't until my parents offered to take me to rehab and I got my first, like 60 days clean that I realized how messed up I really was and how I didn't know I needed to help.
00;20;35;14 - 00;20;57;19
Brenda
Out is very, very interesting that from the outside looking in, we can see this just looks crazy. And you know, this person used to be this and they used to be that. And we can see all these things. But I think that's so interesting what you just said, that from the inside looking out, you didn't see that.
00;20;58;12 - 00;20;58;23
Spencer
Right.
00;20;59;07 - 00;21;19;16
Brenda
So, okay, so let's go back. We went to a little detour. Let's go back to now. You're junior in high school. You're having marijuana induced psychosis. You've tried LSD. Sounds like things are pretty bad at what point was this that your parents offered the treatment?
00;21;19;16 - 00;21;26;26
Spencer
I would say that the psychosis was from the LSD, like the marijuana never, never causes psychosis. Really? Got it.
00;21;27;03 - 00;21;27;09
Brenda
Okay.
00;21;28;02 - 00;21;47;18
Spencer
So it was like, yeah, I was taking too much LSD and I was a senior in high school and my biological dad came to my mom's, who I was living with full time because we had my dad and I had a little bit of a falling out and I went to live with my mom when I was, I think, into my junior year or something.
00;21;47;18 - 00;22;11;01
Spencer
But he came over and and said, if you're willing to go, we'll send you to a place to get your life together and I didn't know what that even meant. I didn't know it was a rehab. But he said, it's done in L.A. and I thought I was going to go like, work like a prisoner, but I didn't know, like, what I was going to do.
00;22;11;21 - 00;22;39;10
Spencer
And he said it was in L.A. and I was like, Oh, heck, yeah, I definitely want to go because I had, like, really wanted to live there, check it out. And like, this was my opportunity. And so I agreed. And this was in February of 2019. We packed up my stuff. My dad bought me a duffel bag and some other stuff that I needed, and he drove me down to Yucaipa, California.
00;22;39;10 - 00;23;05;13
Spencer
It's a treatment center called Benchmark Transitions. We pull up to this gate and it's there was a big house and I still didn't even know what this place was. I didn't know it was a rehab. I just there's a picture of me when I got when I entered the program and I had like a buzzcut and I just looked like crap, like, not like, like spiritually, like I looked dead there, right?
00;23;05;21 - 00;23;24;05
Spencer
There wasn't really physically anything, really, but mentally I was so like that. But I just stayed at that house for 30 days and did course clean up chores and had scheduled lunch, scheduled breakfast, scheduled dinner, started taking medication.
00;23;24;15 - 00;23;36;03
Brenda
And did you go through a detox at that point? Like were you bad enough where you had to go through some detox or were you able to kind of join into the program and and just start shifting and things from there?
00;23;36;27 - 00;23;55;10
Spencer
That was kind of like the detox phase because I was never on like heroin or meth or anything like that. But the detox phase was like the first 30 days I spent at that house. It was kind of secluded. It wasn't like it wasn't outpatient yet, so it was like inpatient.
00;23;55;11 - 00;23;57;16
Brenda
Or something like that. Yeah. So you're living there?
00;23;58;09 - 00;23;59;10
Spencer
Yeah, I was living there.
00;23;59;23 - 00;24;07;12
Brenda
How did that feel? Were you kind of like, Whoa, what just happened? I'm now living at this other place? Or were you kind of okay going along with it?
00;24;07;25 - 00;24;24;01
Spencer
I thought it was awesome. I thought it was pretty awesome. It was nice house and it was strict, but it was really a pretty awesome experience because I was like, didn't have to go to high school anymore and it was hard. Yeah.
00;24;24;01 - 00;24;30;05
Brenda
And it must have started to feel a little bit better, like you said, from an emotional, spiritual standpoint.
00;24;30;21 - 00;25;01;00
Spencer
Yeah. And just kind of be able to just kind of relax and just I mean, it was I had to heal for a while before I kind of got my sanity back. I guess we started going to in a meetings and that's when I was introduced to those programs. Then we after 30 days, I got transferred to another house and with them, which is much more with a much bigger group of guys, most of them around my age.
00;25;01;06 - 00;25;25;29
Spencer
At the time I was 18. So it was like outpatient then. And during the day we shuttled over to in a they had like sprinter Mercedes sprinter vans and it was like my dream come true because it was like there's big streets where it's like Southern California, there's like palm trees all down. It's really clean and nice. It's like the typical dream of like California, like it was like that.
00;25;26;05 - 00;25;51;21
Spencer
And so that was cool. And we'd go to the outpatient center because they called it for, for during the daytime and do groups. And I was an outpatient for maybe five or six months. And then I got a girlfriend and then I there's the last phase of it. It's like I lived in an apartment with a couple other guys, roommates.
00;25;51;21 - 00;25;53;02
Spencer
That was like the last phase of it.
00;25;54;02 - 00;26;22;10
Brenda
Wow. So this is really interesting because the perception mostly, I think, from parents standpoint is my kid is never going to agree to go to treatment if I offer it. And if they do, they're probably going to hate it and they're probably going to try to run away. I think there's a lot of a misperception maybe that they're that they're automatically just going to hate it.
00;26;22;10 - 00;26;41;19
Brenda
And I know from experience that, you know, I had a son who was very treatment resistant, but it's not always the case. It sounds like you were really at a point where you were looking for a way to get into a different situation. And this feels like it was a pretty healthy situation.
00;26;41;19 - 00;27;08;14
Spencer
Yeah, I mean, I, I definitely there was a couple of times when I so badly wanted to leave and I was like, I packed up my stuff at least once and was like about to walk out the door and, and one of the staff members convinced me to stay every time, but I was just in so much pain that I just was like and I didn't like the structure all the time and the rules, and I just wanted to do whatever I wanted, right?
00;27;08;21 - 00;27;44;16
Spencer
For most people, they become willing when they've suffered enough. So that's just like that's just is what it is like. It's not like if you try to tell someone they have a drinking problem and they're in denial, or they just they're going to like, justify their drinking or they're using. And I had hit my bottom, so I was willing to it took a little while for me to really work the program, but I definitely knew I had found a gift of N.A. and the Fellowship.
00;27;44;20 - 00;28;02;06
Brenda
Hi. I'm taking a quick break because I want to let you know about the private online community I created and host for moms who have kids misusing drugs or alcohol. It's where I hang out between the episodes, so I wanted to share a little bit about it. This place is called The Stream, and it isn't a Facebook group.
00;28;02;06 - 00;28;27;27
Brenda
It's completely private away from all social media sites where you start to take care of yourself. Because through all of this, who is taking care of you? The stream is a place where we teach the craft, approach and skills to help you have better conversations and relationships, and we help you get as physically, mentally and spiritually healthy as possible so that you can be even stronger for your son or daughter.
00;28;28;08 - 00;28;57;09
Brenda
You can join us free for two weeks to see if it's the right kind of support for you and learn more about all the benefits that you get as a member at the Stream community. Com And I'll see you there. Now let's get back to the conversation. You've been there, you've done that inpatient, you've done the kind of intensive outpatient, it sounds like.
00;28;57;09 - 00;29;07;21
Brenda
Then you went into sounds like kind of a sober living arrangement in your 18. That's a tricky place to be. So what what did you do from there?
00;29;08;10 - 00;29;41;07
Spencer
I left rehab on October 1st of 2018, So my my case manager from rehab left the treatment center and did his own business where he was mentoring young adults with addiction problems. And my parents liked him and he liked me and some. So I was I was going to join the Marine Corps up from rehab and just go straight there and my parents offered me something a lot better.
00;29;41;08 - 00;30;10;01
Spencer
They said, you can live in an apartment with this roommate who you already know, who I knew from from treatment. And you can live in this apartment in Redlands and and your case manager will be your mentor. And I said, okay, sounds good. And the day I got out of rehab, I, me and my roommate got he was already living in the apartment because he left before I did.
00;30;10;01 - 00;30;39;15
Spencer
But we got them pens. We even got hired the day I left treatment. And we we lived in this apartment for from October 20, 19 to summer 2020, and I got homeless most of that whole time. It was supposed to be where I was going to live in this apartment and get a job and help pay my way and get on my feet.
00;30;39;15 - 00;30;46;03
Spencer
It was like a transition phase from treatment, but it just was not what happened at all.
00;30;46;03 - 00;31;07;06
Brenda
It sounds like you've done so well, you're appreciative of the opportunity. You know, a lot of things were going well and another kind of confounding thing for parents is when we see our kids relapse and they've been doing so well and we know they feel healthy and they look amazing and, you know, all these things are going really well.
00;31;07;25 - 00;31;25;26
Brenda
And then there's something like that, a return to use. And you just think, what is going on? What what could possibly be going through your brain to think, this is what I want to do? Do you have words for that? Because I know that's probably got to be even confusing for you, but I'd love to know if there's any insight.
00;31;26;24 - 00;31;54;24
Spencer
This is like a very common thing that most addicts at one point in their life, in their story, in their addiction experience, where they were using and getting high even when they didn't want to. And they might have really wanted to stop, but for some reason they couldn't control their using and they couldn't stop on their own. And like most of my relapses were like or at that time at least I did not want to anymore.
00;31;54;24 - 00;31;58;26
Spencer
I really did it, but I just couldn't stop, basically.
00;31;59;06 - 00;32;24;00
Brenda
Wow, that's really it's yeah, it's just so difficult to understand looking and looking at it. And it must be difficult to understand when you're doing it, I would think. Are you asking yourself, like as you're sitting there, you know, with a dab hand or use, are you thinking, why am I doing this? Or are you just sort of going with the flow?
00;32;24;00 - 00;32;42;28
Spencer
I think I was hoping each time I got out for the first time that day, I think I was kind of hoping this time it's going to be fun and this time I'm going to enjoy it. But that was always kind of put into a dark space every time I do it. But it was like the secret we keep repeating.
00;32;43;20 - 00;32;58;10
Spencer
I was always chasing the high that I used to get in high school and it was like fun. And when when I didn't have to feel my emotions or like I could just get on my head and it just wasn't doing that for me anymore.
00;32;58;23 - 00;33;15;22
Brenda
Right. But you keep trying and it and it keeps not working. So clearly you had some steps backward, but but we're sitting here talking today. So what transferred fired from there to get to where you are today?
00;33;16;20 - 00;33;44;04
Spencer
My mentor, my parents are telling me to start paying some of the rent. And I had a couple of different jobs here and there that I didn't stick with. And then I lost and then I quit. And by the way, I couldn't hold a job, whatever. And I'm kind of crazy. So like I say that in a positive way, Like, I stepped into the unknown and I left the apartment with whatever I could carry and decided I was going to be homeless because I was like, Hey, I want to try it out.
00;33;44;04 - 00;33;48;19
Brenda
And that's something you don't hear every day. I want to try out being homeless.
00;33;49;00 - 00;34;22;28
Spencer
Yeah, because I even wanted to try it. And here where I live, to my hometown, I want to try it then. But I. I just wanted to have the experience of it and I wanted to have no responsibility and right. So I left the apartment and I look back fondly on this time in my life, even though at the time it was such a struggle because I went to the first thing I did was go down to the hall and I talked to this guy who I felt like drawn to, like he had a personality that I was kind of thought was like, interesting.
00;34;22;28 - 00;34;41;15
Spencer
And so I asked him if I could if he had somewhere I could stay for a while, and he had the impression that I was going to get a job right away and start working. And I was like, I knew in my head, I knew inside that that's not what I was going to do. And I was just afraid to be on my own on the street.
00;34;41;15 - 00;35;04;16
Spencer
So I went and stayed with him. And it turns out he had like major, major anger issues and was like flying off the handle all the time. And it was just really agonizing to be around. And we were sitting in his little trailer. He lived in a like a RV park. I asked him to be my sponsor and I had never had a sponsor before.
00;35;04;19 - 00;35;29;24
Spencer
And he was a I was I'm more of an addict. But he said he'd sponsor me. And so we got kind of into the step work. And for the first time I had been going to this was like August 2020 and I had been going to Naissance for over a year and a year, and I didn't work a single step.
00;35;29;24 - 00;35;55;04
Spencer
I just went to meetings to socialize and which is fine. But I was like, finally I was like, okay, I'm ready to just try this thing out and do. So we go into this airport and I worked a few steps with him and it was like really simple. We just read some of the literature out of the book and, and I wrote a couple of paragraphs on what I read, and that was it for step one and did the same thing for step two.
00;35;55;10 - 00;36;21;00
Spencer
And I left his place. He told me I had to go, and so I left his place and went and stayed with someone else. And this guy I was staying with had two and a half years clean and he relapsed while I was living there and basically told me I had to go. And so I left. And then I went on my own fully and I was sleeping at night.
00;36;21;13 - 00;36;40;21
Spencer
He had this like coffee shop in Redlands, and I knew people from the hall and Annie Hall, and they would like we hang out during the day and they buy me coffee in the morning. I'd, I'd help them with like helping one guy with his computer. He'd buy me coffee, and if I was hungry, you buy me food.
00;36;40;21 - 00;37;07;14
Spencer
And sometimes people would give me money. And I did that for a little bit. And it was it was fine. I was staying completely clean while I was homeless. And I had worked up to Sep six, and after that six step, I, I decided there was a shift in who I wanted to be. Like, there was a shift inside where I think it was a set work that caused the shift.
00;37;07;14 - 00;37;26;16
Spencer
But I decided that I wanted to have money now and I wanted to work. And so my mentor, he was like, Well, you can join the California Conservation Corps. I hated it. It was like really, really hard labor. I had a hell of a time because like a lot of the people there seem like they really like me.
00;37;26;16 - 00;37;49;13
Spencer
And I had like there was a lot of anger that was going on at that time. And I had worked up to six and the staff were definitely work because what it did was it removed my desire to get high, which is like for an addict, that is that is like the one thing that any promises is lose the desire to use.
00;37;49;13 - 00;38;17;05
Spencer
And that is what I had gotten. And I only worked half the steps that I had lost desire and for the first time in my recovery, I got nine months clean in the California Conservation Corps and got my nine month chip and there was a lot of people there that were drinking and getting high. And I relapsed. I got drunk and I drank for a week or two and I wasn't working the steps at that time.
00;38;17;05 - 00;38;40;03
Spencer
And I wasn't I didn't have a sponsor and I wasn't really involved. I just was like, I am done with this. I, I wasn't. It's not that I didn't want to work anymore, but I was just done with the CC. So I, without telling anybody, I resigned. So I got picked up from the spike location and got taken back to the center and I had like a day to arrange travel.
00;38;40;03 - 00;38;52;21
Spencer
And my plan, my plan was that I was going to get a train back to Southern California and be homeless again. And that was my my plan because it worked out so well the first time. Right.
00;38;52;29 - 00;38;54;20
Brenda
Right. Dude, let's repeat that.
00;38;55;08 - 00;39;19;02
Spencer
Yeah. And so I called my mentor. He's like, You are not doing that. He put his foot down. He's like, That's not what you're going to do. And he said, Call your parents and see if you can live with them again. So my dad was the first one to let me stay with him. I stayed with him first and he was going through a nasty breakup.
00;39;19;02 - 00;39;45;18
Spencer
And I just I worked in different jobs. Did construction, did temp agency stuff, did little stuff here and there. I made like, like $19,000 that year. And like, that was that was a drastic, drastic improvement from the year before. So that just shows proof. And it's not that much money, but that just showed proof that I had changed and I was now working and that was something I was doing now and I was committed.
00;39;45;18 - 00;40;10;19
Spencer
And so I overheard this guy, Danny, and he was saying, Yeah, he's like, I'm going to school to get my classes. And I was 21 at the time. I was like, What's that? And he's like, Oh, So can be a truck driver. And then the thing I'm kind of like in my spirit, I was like, That sounds like something I might like because I had never even gave it a second thought.
00;40;10;19 - 00;40;32;05
Spencer
I never thought anything about it. Hey, maybe one day I'll be a truck driver. No, I never thought that. And and for some reason in my spirit, it wasn't like, necessarily like it was my calling, but it was more like, I might like this. So I signed up for school. I got a I got a grant for 80% of the cost of it was like covered by this grant.
00;40;33;03 - 00;40;56;17
Spencer
And I had a girlfriend during the summer and balanced, basically hanging out with her. And I quit. I put in my two weeks at this moving company and we did trucking school for six weeks, breezed right there at like the beginning and everything. And like I passed my DMV test on the first try and that's like the hardest part.
00;40;56;17 - 00;41;25;12
Spencer
And I just excelled because, like, I just like being clean, clear headed, higher self-esteem than I've ever had and more drive, more confidence everything, and pass my tests. And I been a truck driver now. And so I, I right now I'm currently on step nine and have a great sponsor. And I made my first amends to my stepdad for all that crap we went through and in high school.
00;41;25;12 - 00;41;27;07
Brenda
And this gives me goosebumps.
00;41;27;26 - 00;41;41;03
Spencer
Yeah. So I made my first demand and I'm just planning on working all 12 and staying clean. I'm pretty sure that this is probably going to be the first time I'm going to get a year in recovery on Valentine's Day. I won't have a year. So.
00;41;41;21 - 00;42;08;05
Brenda
Well, we are going to be celebrating with you, so make sure and send me a note on that day so that we can celebrate with you. So gosh is just there. It's a lot. Yeah. I think what stands out to me is this juxtaposition between what you're thinking in your head and sort of how clear you were about these decisions.
00;42;08;05 - 00;42;46;26
Brenda
I'm going to be homeless or I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that. And at the same sort of sort of this contrast in what you're thinking and what you're doing because, again, that outside looking, you know, from us on the outside looking in would be like, what is this guy doing? But you you actually had, you know, like you were thinking about it and maybe it wasn't, you know, the right thing for the long term, but it sounds like there was something going on and you where you sort of knew you had to go through these different phases or experiences that led you to where you are today.
00;42;46;26 - 00;42;48;27
Brenda
Is that true?
00;42;48;27 - 00;43;32;03
Spencer
Exactly. There is definitely a sense of inner guidance, you know, like not like from a higher power, but like a sense of like this is what my spirit is telling me to do. And that's that's the direction I'm going to go. And the thing is, I've been guided within for even even all through my bottom of my addiction and all the way up until now, it's like I was kind of just doing what I wanted to do and miraculously, like I did all through my bottom when I when I was getting high and in high school and stuff, I went out of the senior is like I just surrendered to my addiction and did what
00;43;32;03 - 00;43;45;28
Spencer
I wanted. And just it's just like I just I did I stepped into the unknown a couple of different times in my life and it propelled me to get to where I'm at so much faster than I don't know how to explain it. But yes, like like exactly what you're saying is pretty accurate. Yeah.
00;43;46;09 - 00;44;08;27
Brenda
Okay. That's yeah, that just kind of struck me as I was listening to you. And then there have two other questions that I love to ask. One is, what was your relationship like with your mom? So it was your mom and your stepdad who were together and then also your dad. What were those relationships like while you were going through this?
00;44;09;06 - 00;44;15;14
Brenda
Were you in conversation with your parents? Were you distant from them? Like what was going on there?
00;44;16;02 - 00;44;41;12
Spencer
The relationships definitely had a more positive interactions When I was clean, when I went to treatment and my dad and I like it, it was it's almost like all my my biological dad. Like, it's almost like through all of this time, nothing is really any different than. It ever was like, it's just kind of I've changed. So it makes it easier to interact with him because I'm a different person.
00;44;41;12 - 00;44;44;25
Spencer
He doesn't I don't have to count on him to change.
00;44;44;25 - 00;45;09;16
Brenda
Yeah. What a gift. What a gift. Yeah, that's. That's really incredible. And I just wonder if. Is there anything that any of your either your mom or your stepdad or your dad, is there anything that you remember them either doing or saying that either pushed you further in a positive direction or further in a negative direction?
00;45;10;08 - 00;45;26;16
Spencer
That's a good question, but I don't think there was there was anything really that had such a that they did that had such a great impact in one direction or the other. It just was kind of all me like, Yeah.
00;45;27;02 - 00;46;01;24
Brenda
Yeah, that. And I asked that because as parents we always feel like if I could just find the right thing to say, if I could just find the right video to show him or the right podcast or the right, you know what I mean? Like, we're always just thinking, if I could just do the right thing. And what I hear from, from people who I talk to is that there isn't like you could definitely make it worse and there are certain things that you can do, I think, to help somebody maybe with their self-examination and things like that.
00;46;02;07 - 00;46;07;04
Brenda
But it's not something that a parent can fix. It's just not possible.
00;46;07;17 - 00;46;33;00
Spencer
Right? My best I'm actually going to give some advice here. If you're a parent and you have a son or daughter that has like addiction or alcoholism, my best advice would be pick up a basic text and a basic text and read some of it or a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and read it. And one addict, an addict reads the basic text of in the first like five pages is all it takes.
00;46;33;01 - 00;46;47;08
Spencer
It's just speaks to him because it's like, that's exactly me. That's that's what I went through and that's how my mind works. So that's probably my best advice is get, get the book and help you understand that person.
00;46;47;14 - 00;47;06;03
Brenda
Yeah, that's a great, great tip. And I've heard that I have. I know somebody who while her son was going through it, she decided to do the 12 steps herself, even though she wasn't, you know, struggling with alcohol or, you know, anything. But she just wanted to understand what is this. And she said it was just transformational for her.
00;47;06;05 - 00;47;19;17
Brenda
Yeah, you go through that. So awesome advice. And then my last question is, is there a tool or a skill that you learned along the way that you kind of keep going back to that that really works for you?
00;47;20;20 - 00;47;44;06
Spencer
Yeah. So there's actually a couple. One of them is that when I'm really struggling, what it really comes down to is I can be doing well. Things in my life are going well, but I don't feel good emotionally. So one of the tools, it's so basic, so simple, yet so important is just literally just being with my feelings and feeling them.
00;47;45;19 - 00;48;04;25
Spencer
And that's like one tool I use is just like, I have to remind myself sometimes that I don't need to fix my emotions. I need to try to figure out how to feel better. I just literally need to be with them. Right? And the other thing is like a shift in my mindset where it's like in how I react to the world.
00;48;04;25 - 00;48;33;01
Spencer
It's a it's a it's sort of like surrender. It's in a separate surrender. And it's a spiritual principle. And I try not to fight anything like not physically, but mentally. Yeah, people, difficult people, difficult situation. Patient. I have a level of surrender that helps me just return back to that center within me and just not letting your will run the show too much.
00;48;33;11 - 00;48;48;15
Spencer
Another huge tool this I can't believe I almost forgot about. This is calling somebody that's in the program or reaching out to somebody else. That's like one of the biggest ones because there's usually somebody that can help talk you through whatever you're going through.
00;48;48;26 - 00;48;52;26
Brenda
Right? And it sounds like you have a great sponsor, which is such a blessing, right? That have.
00;48;52;28 - 00;48;54;01
Spencer
Yeah, definitely.
00;48;54;17 - 00;49;19;24
Brenda
So amazing. Well, I, I can't tell you how many insights are going to be in here for people who listen. And I do hope some young people will listen because it's just great to hear your mindset, your sort of decision making or lack of decision making. Right. Those are all really important things to understand. So it's just beautiful that you shared this.
00;49;19;24 - 00;49;31;28
Brenda
And I'm just excited to kind of follow along and see how things go and all the adventures you're going to have. And we're going to be celebrating with you on Valentine's Day 2023.
00;49;32;13 - 00;49;33;19
Spencer
Awesome. Awesome.
00;49;33;23 - 00;49;39;26
Brenda
Yes. Thank you, Spencer. We appreciate it so much. Thank you. We just wish all the best for you and just keep going.
00;49;40;23 - 00;49;41;07
Spencer
All right.
00;49;41;18 - 00;50;08;15
Brenda
Thanks. Okay. That is it for today. If you would like to get the show notes for this episode, you can go to Brenda Zane dot com forward slash podcast. All of the episodes are listed there and you can also find curated playlists there. So that's very helpful. You might also want to download a free e-book I wrote. It's called Hindsight Three Things I Wish I Knew when my son was misusing drugs.
00;50;08;15 - 00;50;47;15
Brenda
It'll give you some insight as to why your son or daughter might be doing what they are. And importantly, it gives you tips on how to cope and how to be more healthy through this rough time. You can grab that free from Brenda's income. Forget hindsight. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate it. And I hope that these episodes are helping you stay strong and be very, very good to yourself and I will meet you right back here next week.