coaching episode: 17 days sober: using CRAFT skills to help mom navigate her son’s first unexpected weekend home from treatment
Host: Brenda Zane, brenda@brendazane.com
Guest: Marie, Stream Community Member
Instagram: @the.stream.community
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about this episode:
Friday, Saturday, Sunday. If you’re a parent of a child who is misusing drugs or alcohol, you know why these three days can send you into a tailspin. The free time and lack of structure mean our kids are likely to find themselves in risky situations. In this coaching episode, I got to meet with Marie- a Stream Member who booked this last-minute session with me on a Friday.
Marie has a son who has experienced trauma and struggled with substances and has been attending a therapeutic boarding school. Yet for many reasons, it wasn’t an ideal fit. Now he’s back at home, doing online school, and not in treatment, but 17 days sober. The bright spot in this story is that this mom and son are close, they have good communication and he’s expressed that he wants to stay sober. Listen as we explore how Marie can initiate some hard conversations to reduce her anxiety and increase the chance of her son choosing support and sobriety over the weekend.
episode resources:
Hopestream podcast episode on using “SURF” communication skills: www.brendazane.com/hopestream/73
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[00:00:00] Brenda: Welcome to a new coaching episode. This one in particular is interesting because, well, for a lot of reasons, but in particular because it is so timely. What I mean by that is Marie requested and booked this session same day, which happened to be a Friday, and as you're going to hear, she really needed to talk on this particular Friday a.
[00:00:24] Usually our members in the Stream book these calls weeks in advance, and so I had a feeling there was something going on that necessitated a conversation asap. It turns out that something was the weekend. I know personally how hard it is to be looking at the clock on a Friday, The day is turning into late afternoons, the afternoon slips into evening.
[00:00:51] And you are not thinking T G I F, you might be thinking, Oh no, if f because weekends are the time when things can get super tricky. It is often payday for people. It's the time when friends are available for younger people, their high school sports events and dances and for young adults, There are the Greek system parties and music festivals and concerts and hanging out and chilling, and all of these activities are often soaked in alcohol and substances of all kinds.
[00:01:30] I remember my stomach just turning into knots on Fridays, and I would play out all kinds of movies in my mind about what might happen over the course of the weekend sometimes. Those movies I made up came to life and sometimes they didn't. But there was always an underlying level of weekend anxiety that took over my body.
[00:01:54] So you might be listening to this on a Friday afternoon in a similar state of mind, feeling anxious and wondering what might happen this weekend. And what you'll be listening in on is a discussion of how this incredible mom is planning to navigate her son's first weekend home. After a very unfortunate and abrupt departure from his therapeutic boarding school, which of course was a nice, safe container for someone who is just two weeks sober, you'll hear how trauma has played a significant role in the life of Maurice's son who's doing his very, very best not to use.
[00:02:36] To cope with a violent event that he just witnessed, and you'll get an inside look at ways Marie thought of using self care as a strategy for getting through the weekend. She is walking on eggshells. And wants to be supportive to her son during this fragile time when he's so vulnerable. Yet he truly does want to hang onto his new sobriety.
[00:03:01] It is a doozy of an episode. It is so real, and I can't thank Maria enough for being brave and open to sharing at this level with you while she is right in the heat of the moment. So take a listen. Maybe take some notes and I'll see you on the other. All right, Marie, thank you for being so generous to come on the podcast and join me for our coaching session.
[00:03:29] I know these can be a little nerve-wracking, but um, you know, like we were just talking, your situation is, well, it's very timely that we're talking, and also I think it's a little bit more common than people think that. End up in a situation that you really weren't expecting. The timing is not as you expected and you're really caught off guard.
[00:03:51] So, um, just glad that you're here. So welcome. Thank you so much, Brenda. Yeah, I would, um, I think it would be helpful to give just a brief bit of context for where you are and you know, we, you don't have to go into a ton of detail, but just enough to kind of give me the, the main points of where you are and kind of where things are in this moment today.
[00:04:19] And then we can dive into some of the other things that you wanna work on. Does that sound good? Perfect.
[00:04:25] Maria: Yeah. Yeah. Well, just a bit of background. My son was at an outpatient program and, um, doing that, it was a hospitalization slash outpatient program, so he was there and we were seeking help. We thought that would be enough.
[00:04:43] Um, that was eight to four daily. Um, and he was doing really, really well during the week, um, in that program. And then we, I noticed on the weekends, the substances would kick up. Mm-hmm. and that would continue. And so it was very promising during the week. And then weekends were not great. And then toward.
[00:05:08] And before he went to an actual residential program, he decided to go back to really old habits and start using benzos, Xanax, Adderall,
[00:05:22] Brenda: um, and had,
[00:05:25] Maria: because he had been doing it, um, at a high quantity, he.
[00:05:31] Brenda: It was advised
[00:05:32] Maria: that we would go to the er and that was the second time. Um, which really was for me, it was, that was enough.
[00:05:41] Um, and that's when it was a good transition too, because um, it allowed me to have that gateway to getting him to go. And he, after that said, Okay, let's go. Um, I'm ready for residential. Right. The issue that we have in my situation with my son is he has been in a residential or therapeutic type treatment program, and he has had trauma from that.
[00:06:07] When he was young, he was eight. We thought it was gonna be a very therapeutic, um, and they were gonna use a certain method. Um, and it, it just didn't kind of seem that way according to what was happening. And he. , he was with kids that had a lot of aggression. Mm. And he also experienced at a young age being away from mom, his parents, and um, and they would use methods like putting him in a padded room.
[00:06:38] So he has PTSD from that. Mm. And a lot of attachment issues. So, So going away for him has always been since then a big issue. So even going to camps for over a week, being away from home. Cause it triggers
[00:06:57] Brenda: trauma for him. Sure. So
[00:07:02] Maria: the great part was he was willing to go to this program, a residential program.
[00:07:06] He was there working super hard. Uh, what, 13, 14 days in, and there was a,
[00:07:15] Brenda: um, altercation at the
[00:07:17] Maria: program where two boys got into it. One boy tried to actually kill the other. Um, and so he witnessed that along with him stabbing the other person with the pencil, um, in the stomach. And that after that he's, he said, I'm outta.
[00:07:36] That's it. Um, and literally left that next day with two other boys who were also triggered. Mm. And he just kept on leaving the program until he said I would come pick him up or he was gonna hitch hike home. Mm. So that's kind of where I am at right now. Um, because California law, the program said we just really don't have the staff or the time to be dealing with him leaving, and you're gonna have to come get.
[00:08:06] Wow. So he's home. Um, he's 17 days sober. He's totally committed to being sober. Um, he's going to NA meetings, he wants so hard
[00:08:20] Brenda: to do well. Um, but
[00:08:23] Maria: he hasn't done the full, full 30 days. So I'm, I'm in this position where this is unexpected. Um, don't really have the support or resources set up, and he's not currently in treatment or going to school ,
[00:08:41] Brenda: so.
[00:08:41] Right. So not a, not a lot going on . I know. My goodness. And how, how old is he? He's 16. 16. Oh. Wow, that's so much for you and for him. And what does your family unit look like? Are there other kids? Are you married?
[00:09:03] Maria: Yeah. There's a 14 year old sister who's at a private high school here and, and really thriving, so that's a positive.
[00:09:13] Um, we're dev, my ex-husband and I were divorced. Um, so my son's been living with me for three years. During Covid and after. So, um, I'm kind of the per the kind of what one man show. Um, so I'm just kind of in this point right now, what, what can I do to get him what he needs right now? Right? And that means looking into, um, my dilemma too is, you know, what?
[00:09:47] Some people have said, Okay, let's get him to wilderness. He left the program early, let's get him into another residential. And I'm kind of at a crossroad because we have, I have somebody who's been triggered with trauma. Yes. Um, and, uh, some people have recommended transport where they come in and, you know, in the middle of the night or unexpectedly because he does straight when that he is triggered and flees.
[00:10:17] They said, Okay, let's get him into something locked down.
[00:10:20] Brenda: Mm-hmm. . And I'm really torn
[00:10:22] Maria: because I have a child who wants to do well, wants to be sober. And so here we are and we're approaching the weekend and I thought, you know, I'm new to craft and wondering what are some things I can do this weekend without the support that I have currently.
[00:10:43] Um, and, and what can, Maybe you can help me with some methods I can and, and communication skills I can use. Yes.
[00:10:54] Brenda: Well, let's first just take a breath and say you are a rock star for even being, I think pulled, pulled together enough to have this conversation. I think that's, A big testament to something that you must be doing already for yourself.
[00:11:12] Um, so I just wanna acknowledge that because this is a very, very difficult. Position to be in. Um, I know how delicate that, it's like you're walking on eggshells, right? Where you're like, Ooh, like first of all, we weren't expecting this to be, we weren't expecting to be here. He wants to do, well. He's back at home.
[00:11:35] The weekend is coming. It's just, it's kind of the perfect storm for you. So I hope that you are taking really, really good care of yourself. Um, we can talk about that, but. I just wanted to say that because we often forget when we're in the thick of things. It can be easy to sort of just say, Oh, you know, I just gotta power through and I just gotta get through and just not take a minute.
[00:12:02] You don't have to wallow in it. Right. But just to take a minute to say, Holy cow, this is really hard. Right. Really? Really hard. Um, thank you. Yeah. So, so did you work with an educational consultant before or what's, how, where's been the connection between you and the programs?
[00:12:22] Maria: I've been working with numerous, like, um, we have a hospital here that has a substance, youth substance group program.
[00:12:31] Mm-hmm. , they recommended. A particular program here, um, along with his pediatrician and they've all recommended the same program, and it was fantastic. He was really thriving and, and got so much from it and loved he loved it. Mm-hmm. . Um, so that's, that's a huge positive. Yeah. That he got so much from it and, and it continued on with.
[00:12:58] Um, so, so, yes, I, I, we've been talking also with a co, a couple of educational consultants on what to do now, right? So, and then he's gonna have an assessment for an outpatient program today to see if he can get in there, and then also working with a transition company. I've been talking to a couple that are gonna come in and possibly offer coaching and mentoring along with parent coaching.
[00:13:29] Mm. Yeah, so I've, I've interviewed a couple of those programs, but I thought the combo of outpatient and a transition program for home might be a good,
[00:13:41] Brenda: um, approach. Yeah.
[00:13:44] Maria: So I'm just trying that we. The program gave us a great contract, a home program contract that mm-hmm. kind of addresses, you know, curfew and school.
[00:13:57] All these areas to keep him, um, kind of like the expectations and boundaries around the house. And he signed that he knows if there's one relapse of any kind, that will mean immediate residential. Um, okay. So that's where I am right now. And really holding onto this contract, , Right, that we did together and he signed.
[00:14:22] But um, like I said, we're approaching the weekend. Yeah. Um, and it's not as tight as I want it to be.
[00:14:32] Brenda: Right, right. Well, you've said a couple things that I think are really positive. You know, that he was doing well in his outpatient program and so it's awesome that you're looking at at another one, because I guess what I would say is, Before we dive into that, there's kind of two roads that I would love to travel, um, in this conversation.
[00:14:56] One is just a couple of things about him that might help inform some of your decisions. And then, and again, like I've said before, I'm not an educational consultant and that's, you know, very specialized field. But I think there's a couple of things that I just. That you talked about that I think would be good to highlight, but then I would like to go down another road or maybe a cul-de-sac or a branch off that road just to talk about the weekend and like some of these craft skills and how can you, Really kind of, um, make sure that you're connected with him and in being really wise over the weekend.
[00:15:31] Right. And, and in the coming days. Does that sound okay? Perfect. That's great. Okay. So one thing I would love to ask is, um, well first I wanna acknowledge like what a horrific trauma that was for him, both when he was eight and now. You know, I just did, I don't know if you've listened, but I just recently did a, um, podcast interview with Dr.
[00:15:52] Gamont, who is, you know, kind of like the world's leading expert in one of the world's leading experts in trauma. And the, I think it just is so clear to me right now that how. That has imprinted him. And so it sounds like you are very aware of that. I sometimes wonder if the people advising us are so aware of that and, And you.
[00:16:16] I agree. Yeah. You especially see it because he's in your home. You see him waking up in the morning, you see him going to bed at night. You see him eating or not eating, you know how he's interacting with his sister. And so, That trauma is going to inform everything that he does. Absolutely. So I think you're so wise to have.
[00:16:37] Peace front and center. As you're looking at these different options as you're looking at transport, those are really just that looking through that lens is so, so critical. So I'm really happy to hear that you're doing that. And I just wanna acknowledge, bless his heart. I mean, Right. You know, we hear about kids running away.
[00:16:57] My son ran away from a program and, and there can be a tendency to be like, Oh, you know what? What a troublemaker. Right? He's a runner. He's a troublemaker. He, and what you, they're not seeing is there's a reason why. Right? So, bless his heart, I just wish I could give him a hug because, you know, that's like, Yeah, that's
[00:17:19] Maria: so hard.
[00:17:20] And the, um, I think it it, he said, I, when I picked him up, we could talk because we weren't talking, but during the time he was there, um, but he said it physically. It physically impacts me. He said it. It's something like I, it takes over me. And you know, I don't, I don't know what that is like, but I only imagine It's like he said, it's like a force that when it happens, it's like I got, he says I have to run, I have to flee.
[00:17:52] Sure. And that's Sure. Definitely. I guess his coping mechanism when that happens. Cause Right, like there's other situations. He's done that same thing, he just gets up and walks out. .
[00:18:07] Brenda: Mm-hmm. . Well, yeah, when things get super painful, of course we wanna leave. Right? Like, it makes so much sense. So, yeah. So I just sending a virtual hug to you both.
[00:18:19] Um, because his, you know, his experience has just been so, Hard. And, um, what I wanted to ask was, you said that he really liked this outpatient program that he was in. Do you know what he liked about it? Yeah,
[00:18:37] Maria: he really liked his therapist. She's just so, she really has that crap. She follows that craft model.
[00:18:46] Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Um, super sensitive and understanding. and then so that component, and then he really liked the, the structure of the program and they would incorporate NA meetings and people that would come in from NA and talk live. So he liked hearing about other people's experiences and he said it really, it was great to hear like a real life story.
[00:19:17] Mm-hmm. about somebody. So, so that was positive. But it's just when he leaves is when he ha Well, and and this is prior to him going to the residential program. Um, right. So it was just when he left is when he had a hard time holding it together. But now that he has been sober for what,
[00:19:39] Brenda: 1617? Um, I think that,
[00:19:44] Maria: And like I said, it, everything is so vulnerable right now, but I'm hoping that he could go back to that setting and keep up his sobriety and use those tools.
[00:19:57] But you know that, that's where I think right now everything counts the way that I kind of, um, you know, work with him and communicate with him. Cause he's worked so hard to get to this point. Things could unravel
[00:20:15] Brenda: too. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. He has worked
[00:20:18] really
[00:20:19] Maria: hard. he has, he's, he's worked really hard. I mean, that was a big deal.
[00:20:24] And he's, he said, I, I wanted to make every day there that it was there. Count.
[00:20:29] Brenda: Yeah. Um,
[00:20:30] Maria: so he's saying all the things that you would ever wanna hear,
[00:20:34] Brenda: Right. So, . And then what do, so you said then he kind of on the weekends will fall into, He did in the past kind of fall into some old habits. Right. And the weekend is coming.
[00:20:47] We're, if you're listening, we're recording this on a Friday at 1:00 PM Right. So you know Maria is like in the hot seat right now, . Right. This is go time. Right,
[00:20:58] Maria: Right. In like three weeks. Craft or, or you know, just join your stream and, and doing this. So I'm not clearly, I'm not even close to being a professional hero.
[00:21:10] That's okay.
[00:21:12] Brenda: That's a great thing about using these skills is you don't have to be right. You can just be just dipping your toe in and just understanding some of the key principles. Um, So I, a couple of things come to mind. How, uh, I just wanna ask, how is your communication with him right now? Like, if you had to give it a grade as far as having conversations that aren't just transactional.
[00:21:38] So yeah, we talk about like, you gotta go here, you have to go there, but what, what are the conversations like that go a little bit deeper than that. Um, do
[00:21:47] Maria: you mean like keeping sobriety or more on the
[00:21:51] Brenda: surface? Um, just, yeah, just something a little bit deeper. Like are you able to converse with him about how are you feeling today?
[00:21:59] What's going on in your mind? What's, Yeah,
[00:22:01] Maria: we're really close. Okay. I, I am so lucky that he just, he, he tells me everything, um, and, and that I'm so grateful for that. We have, we're, we have a great communication, but he, I've noticed, um, and I'm trying to apply craft a lot, but when I ask something like, How are you feeling?
[00:22:28] And I've noticed a couple of times since he's been home, I'm like, Are you having cravings? And he's like, Oh. Like I, So when we did the home program together, part. Section was things that I could, he wanted me to avoid saying or doing. And he said, Stop bringing up if I have cravings in my sobriety. Right.
[00:22:52] So I, I've noted that in my head. So I've been overly conscious about bringing that up, but it's like I have to have a dialogue in my head. Like, Okay, keep that to yourself, but I so wanna know .
[00:23:07] Brenda: Right, right. , but
[00:23:11] Maria: he, So yeah, he's been telling me how he's been feeling. He's, he said he feels anxious, he wants to go back to school.
[00:23:20] He's feeling kinda out of sorts because he doesn't have anything to do. Right. So he's doing online school, but really wanted to come home and go back to in person school and his school. Principal just said we cannot have that right now. He said he did not finish the program, so we'll continue online school.
[00:23:44] But, um, so he's just, he said that he, he really just wants to go back to normalcy right now. And I said, I'm, I'm really trying to set that up for you. I can completely understand how you're feeling. Um, but I said this was unexpected. and we'll, we'll get through this, we'll work this out, but mm-hmm. right now, it's gonna feel unstructured.
[00:24:06] And so, so that's where he's at. And you know, in back of my mind I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is the biggest trigger for I'm sure cravings. Um, yeah,
[00:24:19] Brenda: boredom is hard.
[00:24:20] Maria: Exactly, exactly. Yeah. Not having anything to do with, I would think a recipe for disaster for where he is
[00:24:27] Brenda: at. Right. Yeah. Well I will tell you some good news is I listen to what you're saying and there's so much positive in this.
[00:24:36] I know it's really crazy right now, um, just where you are because you've landed here so un unexpectedly. But I hear a lot of really positive stuff, so if you want, we can talk about that. . Okay. . It's hard to see that . Yeah, well it is, right cuz you're, You're totally in it. And this is why I really encourage people always to work with a therapist, work with a coach, like work with somebody who's not in your crazy because they have a much more objective, um, ability to step back and go, Oh, okay, well, well, well, that's something we can work with.
[00:25:10] So the first couple of things that, um, Huge positive is that you guys are communicating and that there is communication flowing there. That is, I mean, a huge part of the battle one. Um, also that you are learning about craft and, um, You don't have to be an expert by any means. There's little things that you can learn day to day.
[00:25:32] We'll talk about some of the ones that I think are probably the most relevant for you for even the next like 48 hours over the weekend. Okay. And then the, the things that it sounded like he liked about the program were his therapist who was very understanding. That sounds a lot like you, being very understanding.
[00:25:52] And then also she knew craft, which you're learning. and that she, and that the program provided structure and those are all things that are available right now. So what feels like might be a good idea is it sounds like he is motivated to stay sober and you have this contract in place and she's craving some normalcy.
[00:26:20] So I think. One of the craft skills that is just a no brainer that we can do every day is just positive reinforcement, and you strike me as the kind of person who might already be doing that just to notice the little things every day. Wow. It's so awesome. You got up. Before noon or whatever it is. Right.
[00:26:38] If he doesn't have a lot going on right now. Right. Um, just finding any little positive thing. I really liked how you talked to your sister this morning, or thanks for taking out the trash, or I'm really inspired by you. I don't know that I could stay sober for 17 days given what's going on. Right. Like, just Right.
[00:26:54] Okay. Finding every day. Something that you can be really positive and reinforce for him and be very specific about it, right? So it's not just, Oh, you're such a great. Like that is too big. It's, I loved how the tone of your voice was so kind when you talked to your sister or you made an effort to go work out at the gym or go on a walk.
[00:27:21] I don't know what he does, but you know what I mean? Just any of those little things. Because what happens is our world's become so negative and so we get so attached to the fear, right? Oh, what's gonna happen? Is he gonna relapse? So that, that's when you start going down that spiral of are you having cravings?
[00:27:40] And you know, so flipping the lid on that and just putting a positive in his lap and being really genuine about it right, is unexpected for him. And it. Make him feel like, Oh, my mom's like, she's, she's inspired by me, or, you know, anything like that. It's just a good baseline. And at the same time, I always like to remind, remind people to do that for the other kid too, so that.
[00:28:09] Your other, so your daughter's not like, Okay, well he's has all these problems and he ran away from a program, and my mom's like complimenting him. Right? So we just have to make sure that we're doing that with all of our kids that are in the house. Yeah, That's such a good point. Thank you. Yeah. So that would be just kind of, if you can just make a note in your phone, set an alarm, whatever you can do, just, you know, to drop that little nugget of love and appreciation for him every day.
[00:28:34] And. Some of the, the craft skills that work really well, um, for this is, are those open-ended questions? And I know he said he doesn't want you to ask about having cravings. So what you could do is kind of flip that and say, Hey buddy, the weekend's coming up. How, how are you envisioning this is gonna go right?
[00:28:56] Like leaving it to him. To start to think about, well, what's gonna happen if I go buy that McDonald's where I used to buy my drugs? And I start feeling like, Oh, it's Saturday, and I see my friends are there. So you can just ask him, you know, like, Hey, it's the weekend. I know that in the past that's been a, a real struggle for you.
[00:29:21] You know, sometimes weekends were really hard. How are you thinking about weekends? Right Now that you're not using that, that's good. So you're not saying, are you having a craving? Do you think you're gonna relapse? What are your triggers? You know,
[00:29:36] Maria: Well, right? I mean, I was thinking, I, I, in my head, I wouldn't say it, but like, I don't want you out past dark.
[00:29:43] I don't want you on a bus. You know, I want you to go to Ma and come home and, but I can't say all those things ,
[00:29:50] Brenda: Right? But what you can say is, you can say, How are you? How are you planning to follow your plan this weekend? Is there anything that you need from me? Is there anything that would be helpful for me?
[00:30:03] Maybe that's, you know, if he is out and he's like, Oh shoot, I have to take the bus. You know, let's think of a plan for that. Like, what's an alternative to the bus? Why could come pick you up? I could send an Uber for you. You could have, you know, like thinking through those in advance so that he's not in that position and he's stuck.
[00:30:24] Right. And well, and
[00:30:26] Maria: one of the, um, on our contract is no phone. Or we we're gonna revisit it after a month, but that was a big trigger prep before. So yeah, that's another
[00:30:39] Brenda: obstacle. Yeah, that is. That is definitely, And, and so that's a great thing to talk about and just say, Hey, you know, we signed this agreement.
[00:30:49] We both felt that it would be better if you didn't have a. Let's plan for communication. Like what can we do to, what can we do to stay in touch? Um, and you know, and you can even make it kind of like the, oh, you know, moms are just crazy and moms like to know where our kids are. So, you know, could you touch base with me around eight and around 11, and then I'll see you by whatever, whatever you guys come up with, right?
[00:31:18] Sometimes just offering that. And that's, you said that you had looked at the surf, um, class that we did, which is an approach to communication where we take a little bit of the responsibility, right? So we're saying, I know in the past I've nagged you about your triggers or your, you know, cravings and things like that.
[00:31:38] It's such a mom thing and it's a habit I'm working on, so bear with me. Right? Like we have to take a little bit of that responsibility and then that doesn't put him on the defensive. It's not like, it's not like I have to be this way cuz my mom is saying this cuz if we put up a hand, they're gonna put up a hand right back.
[00:31:56] Right. Like that's the natural response. Uh, right. So instead we, we point the hand towards us and. . I get it. I've done this in the past. I know. I'm trying to work on my habits. I'm just really curious what this weekend's gonna look like. Can we just talk about it? You know? And, and if it's done not face to face, if you're driving in a car, maybe you're going to get his Chick-fil-A or whatever he loves to eat.
[00:32:19] Right, right. Um, you know, so that it isn't the talk, it's just part of the conversation. And, and for him to know, Oh, my mom can have this conversation without, with me, without freaking out. And she's not hyperventilating and she's not, you know, she seems really controlled. She seems really curious and that I would encourage you to just Okay.
[00:32:43] Really, really, truly step into the curiosity and. Sometimes just even if you pretend like he's a foreign exchange student who's living with you, okay. Right? And you're like, Hmm, I wonder what this guy's gonna do when the weekend comes and he's trying to be sober and probably none of his friends are. You know what I mean?
[00:33:03] Like you're, you're just like, Huh, I wonder what's gonna happen, Right. And I wonder how he's gonna handle it. And then you take that. That, you know, spirit of curiosity with you into all those conversations, and, and he will feel it, He will feel the difference of a curious, empathetic mom who probably is gonna feel a lot like his therapist that he liked, um, who isn't judging him, who isn't blaming him or predicting that he's gonna fail.
[00:33:34] Right? Right. We could fall into that. Oh, I know how this is gonna go. We've been down this road before and my own therapist has a saying that she tells me all the time, which is the only way forward is forward. We can't, we can't go backwards and pull the past into the present. We can acknowledge it and say, Okay, well that was our old pattern and, and you could even say this with him.
[00:34:00] You know, you had some old patterns that got you into some unhealthy places. and now, now you get a chance to rewrite those. What, what are you thinking? Right? What are you thinking about those? And it, That's so good. It's that, Yeah. It's not that he's gonna have an immediate answer, but if he, if you say, Buddy, I'm the safe person for you to have these conversations with.
[00:34:26] Right. I understand what you've been through more than anybody on this. I know, and I'm here to be the safe person. So if you wanna come to me and say, Mom, you know, John and Bill want me to come over tonight and they're probably gonna be smoking weed and I really wanna see them, but I really don't wanna smoke.
[00:34:49] And you're like, Okay, cool. How can we plan for that? Like, what are we gonna do?
[00:34:53] Maria: So we've made a, and this is all, this was a great template to get, but he has green friends, yellow friends, and red friends. Nice. And right now he can only be with green friends, and those are people who do not have any substance abuse
[00:35:10] Brenda: issues.
[00:35:11] Nice. And then
[00:35:12] Maria: the yellow friend are ones that have had them, but respect where he's at enough not to do it in front of him. Mm-hmm. . So right now, Just allowed to be with the green friends. Um, but with that said, you know, it's a weekend, maybe the yellow friends and red friends might be there, .
[00:35:34] Brenda: So. Right. And that's, and that is a perfect conversation to have.
[00:35:39] Like, I know you're hanging out with the green friends. Totally. Cool. What happens if a red friend shows up? What's your plan? Like, what do you think? And, you know, I, I've talked about this before. We have a member who had a great. System with her daughter where her daughter would text her. I think it was an Apple, when she was in a position where she was like, Eh, like things are not.
[00:36:00] Yeah, things are not going the direction I want them to go. So maybe he texts you a red dot, right? Like, Oh, red friend showed up and, and he knows that that doesn't mean he's in trouble. That means he's being honest with you. He's saying, Mom, there's a red friend here and, and then maybe you can enact a plan, right?
[00:36:19] Yeah. Okay, cool. In that case, you're going to tell your friends, Hey, , I got a bolt, you know, I'm outta here. My mom's gonna, what do they call? My mom's gonna scoop me. I can't, I don't know the language I should have. Right, right, right. I should brush it up on my, on my cool kid language. But, um, you know, whatever that is.
[00:36:37] Right. So that he isn't afraid to tell you, Oh my gosh, one of my red friends showed up and here's how I handled it.
[00:36:44] Maria: Right. No, that's so good.
[00:36:46] Brenda: Thank you. So it's just, it's, it's scary. And this is, I think, one of the biggest barriers. As parents is, it's hard to have these conversations. It's, it sounds easy for me to just sit here and tell you, Oh, we'll just say this and, Oh, we'll just say that.
[00:37:02] Right? It doesn't come out as easily when you're with your own child, but if you can really even preface this with him to say, Buddy. Listen, this is so awkward for me. Super duper awkward for me, but we have to have this conversation. Let's go get Chick-fil-A and talk about some really awkward things because it's just gonna make our weekend so much better.
[00:37:27] Then he knows you're human, right? You're, you're a person who's also struggling and, and there's nothing wrong with saying, Hey, I'm in a position I've never been in. I've never been the parent of a 16 year old boy who's had all of this stuff happen, is home and unexpectedly, but I am here for it. Like, let's do this, let's figure this out.
[00:37:52] And there are gonna be bumps in the road. You know, there's, there just is. There's no way everything's gonna go smoothly. But that doesn't mean everything is gonna fall apart. That just means we need to have a conversation about it and say, Let's like, let's look at that. What happened? Well, my red friend showed up and then I forgot to text you about it and then we went to the movies and then, you know, whatever, whatever.
[00:38:19] Right? And then all of a sudden I'm in a car and John had a beer. Okay. Right. That wasn't what we planned. How did you handle that? Well, I didn't drink anything and then they dropped me off and then I'm, Now I'm scared to tell you cuz I don't wanna get sent to residential. Right. Like right in his mind.
[00:38:37] What is going through his mind and, and for you just to be that safe place and say, okay. Wow. That must have been really scary. I bet you were really worried. I bet you were thinking about our home contract. I bet you were thinking about the trauma you went through at residential. I'm really, really glad that you told me.
[00:38:57] Let's, let's figure it. Um, the more he knows that you are that safe sounding board right. For whatever. And I'll tell you if he, you know, we have this happen all the time in the stream, and I'm glad that you have us, um, you have a band of sisters around you for this. I know. Thank
[00:39:15] Maria: you so much.
[00:39:16] Brenda: Yes. But you know what they'll say is my, my.
[00:39:19] My kid told me stuff cuz I finally started using these, these tools and the open-ended questions and then they told me stuff I didn't want to hear. Right. Like Right. And that's okay. You hold it together with them and you're, you can be like, wow, I was not expecting that. Right. But you. It. And then you come into the stream and you kind of freak out with us.
[00:39:41] You're like, Okay. Right,
[00:39:42] Maria: right, right. Like, oh my gosh,
[00:39:44] Brenda: he told me this and then he told me that. And, and that's yours. That's, we are your safe place. So we, we all need that. Um, No, that's so helpful. Yeah, Helpful. Yeah. So I mean, does all of this sound like stuff that you could kind of start implementing just even in this weekend, Absolut?
[00:40:05] Absolutely.
[00:40:06] Maria: I just have to, and it sounds, it's just. , I feel like I'm kind of acting right now, or yes, I find myself writing what I want to say down first. Mm-hmm. , and then I go and I hear myself say, I'm like, Okay, that was really good, but when I don't write it out or I, I it's unplanned. It does not come out well.
[00:40:28] Right. Right. And I, and it comp I can completely tell when I use craft, he, it works. He's. Much more communicative, but when I don't is when I hear, What are you talking about? You seem to be all on. Right. Okay. I should have wrote that
[00:40:49] Brenda: out. Yes.
[00:40:50] Maria: Um, but I can tell the difference. Yeah.
[00:40:54] Brenda: And there's hard to do. It is so hard to do.
[00:40:57] And there there's a little trick. , which is the, the response gap. And I, I think it's your best friend when you're in a situation like you are, especially when you, when you've got a lot of unknowns at play. Mm-hmm. , and he says something or he does something, or something happens and you have this little gap that you get to decide how long it is it.
[00:41:25] 15 seconds, or it might be 15 minutes. So something happens. And just remember, like I always think of in Australia, there's like the whole thing, like Mind the Gap and in the UK right, it's like right mind, mind the gap. Like realize that there is a gap of time. between when he says something or something happens.
[00:41:47] And when you respond, and the longer the gap, often the better the response because you're not responding and reacting in that emotional, heightened emotional state. So just take a really deep breath and you can even say, Wow, dude, um, that I, I really don't have any idea how to respond to that. I'm gonna get back to you in like a half an hour.
[00:42:11] I'm gonna go for a. Or I'm gonna call my therapist, or I'm gonna talk to my, whoever. I'm gonna go in the stream and I'm gonna post . I'm gonna put,
[00:42:21] Maria: and I'm gonna see what,
[00:42:22] Brenda: see what everybody says. But Right. Um, you are completely entitled to that. And that also is really good modeling for him to see, Oh, my mom is doing something different.
[00:42:36] Yeah, she's really calm. She's not freaking out. You know, you can go to your notes if you have your little notes in your phone or whatever, and, and kind of think through that response. Mm-hmm. and, and just let him know. Um, I, I just need a minute. Like, I really wanna show up well for you right now. Yeah. And I need a minute to do that cuz I'm also learning.
[00:43:01] All of this, right? Like there is no handbook that came with you son, . Right? Oh my gosh. So, so you get to use that response gap to formulate what you wanna say, how you wanna say it, and it, and it could be, I literally have no idea. I, I'm gonna talk to, , you're a therapist. I'm gonna talk to my therapist, I'm gonna go listen to a podcast, whatever it is.
[00:43:31] And so healthy for him to see you being really thoughtful about how you respond, right? Yeah. Cause
[00:43:38] Maria: that's definitely what I've, you know, it's like, I feel like I'm supposed to kind of know all of that, and that's really good. Him to see that. I also don't know how to do some things sometimes and
[00:43:55] Brenda: Absolutely.
[00:43:57] You know, um, back to the, the surf skills, which, you know, a, a, a big part of that is understanding, Um, so. Being so at the S is for specific, right? Like if you specifically, like, I really would like to talk about the next 48 hours. That tells him, okay, my mom's not talking about the rest of my life. Like she
[00:44:20] Yeah, she wants, she wants to go to Chick-fil-A and talk about the next 48 hours, whatever. And then the understanding part of it is what you just said. I understand that this is really hard for you. This is really hard for me, but I can understand how it's really hard for you and sort of summarizing.
[00:44:37] You've been through a lot now. You don't even get to have a normal high school experience now. You don't get to hang out with all the friends that you might wanna hang out with for a period of time while you adjust, right? You really connect with him over the understanding that you. Understand the sacrifices that he's made, the experiences that he's had, the, the work that he's doing right now is amazing.
[00:45:02] Like I just wanna give him a high five. Cuz man, Yeah, I mean he just
[00:45:06] Maria: came upstairs to tell me he was going to the gym. We, on our way back from the residential program, he stopped. Um, cuz we lived very close. A popular street and he said, Let's join this gym right now. So we joined the gym and he just left to go there.
[00:45:25] Um, which is
[00:45:26] Brenda: so huge. Huge. Yeah. Huge. On a Friday afternoon. That's huge. Ah, know, on his
[00:45:33] Maria: own without me. Um, but he knows it's in the contract. So just that difference is, you know, it's four days in, but, but. It is four days in . It's not one. So,
[00:45:46] Brenda: yes, no, I'm, I am so, so impressed with him. He sounds like a, such a cool guy.
[00:45:52] And, and you know, that's right there, that's a great thing to reinforce later, right? Man, that's so awesome that you went to the gym on your own. Like a lot of kids wouldn't do that. Right. Whatever you wanna say. But, um, I think that's, that's a really good sign and just, Physiological standpoint, it's so good for him to get those endorphins going and, you know, all that working out does.
[00:46:16] So that's, that's amazing. Oh, well that was a lot. Um, I know , Oh my gosh, I wish
[00:46:25] Maria: I could. Just record you and then just play back what you say ,
[00:46:31] Brenda: if you see it so well. Well, the, the good news is in the community you can connect with one of our coaches. I know you're, you are talking to people as well, but, um, you're always welcome to just chat with one of our coaches in there and just say, Hey, how does this sound?
[00:46:48] Um, that's, you know, Pop a note in the community and ask and guarantee you there's other moms who are also looking at the clock on a Friday afternoon going, Oh, I know it. Right. I know the dreaded, Most people like T G I F. And we're like, Oh no, that's not, No. Does not apply . Absolutely it. It's actually opposite.
[00:47:10] Yeah. But then the last thing I'd love to wrap up with is you. I wanna know how you are doing. Are you sleeping? Are you eating, Are you drinking water? How, how is, how is Marie doing as a human being? Right. Right. Oh my gosh,
[00:47:25] Maria: that's so nice. Um, you know, you kind of, in this situation that's, and I've, I've, so I've tried to change the way that I've been doing things because of you and, and you know, what you preach about self care.
[00:47:41] Yes. Um, so my girlfriend this morning, Said, Let's go on a walk. And I said, No, I, I'm too busy. I, I have to set up this assessment. And she came to my door, she was like, Let's just walk around the block. And I was like, I, I can't. I can't. And then I thought of you like, Okay, you know what? I'm gonna put aside this for a bit and I'm gonna go and we end up walking for about 45 minutes, which is totally what I needed.
[00:48:06] But I would've never done that before because I. Set up the assessment. Right. Um, but it's been really helpful because I, I've always been into, I'm last like, Yeah. And so that's been helpful. Your approach to self care. Um, so I did that this morning. That's awesome. But I, I'm kind of the type of person when things are like this, they're not ironed out and they're up in the air that finding.
[00:48:37] You know, ironing everything out and making a plan is I have to do that and then I can kind of, um, decompress. Yeah. After. Cause it, I think being in this stage, it makes me, um, feel like I'm, like, everything's kind of haywire. . Yes. Well,
[00:48:56] Brenda: things are haywire, right? Yeah. It things are haywire and that's the reality.
[00:49:01] I'm just curious what you could do when you start getting. Mode of, I have to get all of this done before I take care of myself. Is there anything that, that might work that would allow you to put, just press the pause button for 45 minutes. What do you think you could do that would let you press the pause button?
[00:49:26] Um, ,
[00:49:29] Maria: Oh, I don't know. Um, You know, I have a Peloton, so sometimes I go on that mm-hmm. , but I haven't been doing that lately. Um, you know, you gloss over as a parent, all these things where you get, you know, a every phone call from the police Yeah. Where they can't find your son. Yeah. And 20 minutes, half hour of an hour has passed.
[00:49:54] You get into that mode, are they ever gonna find him? Yeah. Um, and, and that's been happening a lot, you know, this past week and you kind of gloss over it when you tell the story to people cause he is been found and you kind of, but it puts you in kind of a, a mode Yes. Thinking that you get used to mm-hmm.
[00:50:16] and so you're so right. Like just kind of trying to, I'm trying to get out of that mode now that he's safe and. Um, so I, I don't know , I don't know what I could
[00:50:28] Brenda: do. Does your, um, just a, a thought, does your brain just keep going and going and going? I'm, I'm wondering if you might be able to, like, are you a list person?
[00:50:41] Like, could you make a list? Cuz sometimes if we don't see things in front of us, they seem way bigger and more overwhelming than they are. Right, Right. I wonder if you. Make a list, like here are the, the things that are preventing me from getting on the Peloton or going on the walk with my friend. Yeah.
[00:51:00] And then deciding, even drawing a horizontal line in between two of them and say, Once I've done. , those three. That's my pause button. I'm gonna go do my thing, get my nails done, go on a walk, just lay on the bed and breathe is a good, Right? Like Right.
[00:51:18] Maria: And you know what I think too, has a lot to do with it is I've been in, and I, I think I also have like a little bit of like PTSD from this is, is he's downstairs right now in his room not doing anything.
[00:51:34] And so it's like for. , Um, just making sure he's safe and he's busy doing something. Um, so I feel like I almost have to kind of circle at home, right? To make sure he's, And, and so I've gotten into that mode, kind of just what is he doing? Um, and I think that like to go get my meals done right now or to go with a friend, I've like, well I can't do that right now cuz what.
[00:52:04] He leaves or something happened, you know, so, mm-hmm. . So that's kind of where my mindset is. Um, and in all reality, I think he's in a pretty good place right now, so I. Yeah. Have a little bit more time to maybe think of things for more for myself at or even at home at the very least.
[00:52:26] Brenda: Yeah. What do you think would be his response if you popped your head into his room and you said, Hey, I'm going on a walk for about 20 minutes.
[00:52:32] I'll be back when I get back. You wanna like do a pizza or whatever. What do you think his
[00:52:38] Maria: response would be? I think it would be great. He'd say, Great. Have, have a great time. Yeah. I think it's, I just need to get my mind around
[00:52:48] Brenda: that. Yeah. So yeah. It, it's, it's so good for him to see mom being healthy.
[00:52:57] Right. Think about you are his anchor, right? You are his. Totem pole. And so if he starts to see his anchor being like, Ooh, you know, kind of shifting from side to side and kind of uncertain and not really healthy and well, she used to go get her hair done and now I don't see her doing that. They are watching everything.
[00:53:25] So when he sees my mom looks great, she's been going on walks. , she seems really kind of calm, right. The, the, that just impacts him, especially being so traumatized from these experiences to look at mom and know she's solid. Yeah. And I'm not saying that you. You know that Oh, not, I don't say that to put more pressure on you.
[00:53:54] I don't know. No, no, I understand what you're saying. Yeah. It's just because the more you can care for you, the more he sees that, and the better you're gonna feel and the better you feel, the more you're gonna be able to be there for him. Absolutely. So it's that self beating cycle of, um, you know, Okay, could I go on a 20 minute?
[00:54:17] Yeah. I actually think I could And, and for him to see that and for you to make a point of him mm-hmm. , knowing my mom feels so good about where I am, that she's leaving for 20 minutes. She doesn't have to hover over me. Right. She doesn't have to, you know, that's gonna boost his confidence. Yeah. It, there's no guarantee that everything is gonna go perfect, but it's, it's a step in the right direction that you're signaling to him.
[00:54:46] I trust you. I feel like you're in a really good place. I'm gonna go on a walk cuz I feel so much better when I get back. Right. So, um, and I even tell him that. Yeah. That made me feel so good. Right? Absolutely. Like buddy, you, you're, you're doing amazing. You're four days home, you're, you are really just doing great and I feel like I'm gonna go out on a.
[00:55:12] And Hey, do you wanna go with me? Right? Like Right, right. Um, and so, yeah, while you're putting a lot of these things in place, like with the coaching and that, And knowing that he's looking for some of that structure and normalcy, that could be another great open-ended question. Like, what do you think would provide a sense of normalcy for you while we're figuring out the school thing and all of that.
[00:55:35] Um, he might be surprised what he'll come up with. Right. You never know. Right. Um, but making it his choice, like what would feel really good to add some structure to your day? Like, do you wanna get up at seven and we'll go on a walk at seven together? Right. So,
[00:55:51] Maria: um, I really like that. Yeah. I, I need to get into the habit of doing the open ended questions.
[00:55:57] Brenda: Yeah. They're more of like, they're magic.
[00:56:00] Maria: I know. I just have to train myself. Better them. But, um, this, this is so helpful, Brenda. Thank you so
[00:56:11] Brenda: much. You are so welcome and I hope that you'll pop into the community this weekend. Let us know how it's going. If you wanna practice anything, just put it in the chat and just say, Hey, anyone online wanna chat with me?
[00:56:23] Cuz everybody's, everybody's wanting to practice. Everybody is so, That there will probably be somebody who hops on and is like, Yeah, let's do it. Let's do open-end questions, . Ok. Cause they don't come naturally, so, No. Yeah, yeah. But,
[00:56:40] Maria: but I guess through time, what maybe what good six months does it start to not seem like a, like you're acting
[00:56:49] Brenda: Yes, it does. It becomes much more natural, especially when you layer on the lens of curiosity. , and you take, and you use that response gap, right? You're like, Okay, wait, Deep breath. Mm-hmm. , how do you know? How do I turn this into an open-ended question? It's probably gonna start with a what or a how. You're not gonna start with why, you know, So you start to, that I, I really, I think the response gap is such an underused tool, because that's your time to formulate what you're gonna say, how you're gonna say, or that you're not gonna say it and you're gonna defer
[00:57:26] So, Right. That's the, the little like magic moment, um, that you get to, you get to take and you get to own it, and you get to be in control and say, The way I'm gonna, the way I'm most naturally inclined to respond is gonna be really bad. It's gonna piss you. It's not gonna be good for any of us, so mm-hmm.
[00:57:46] Hold a moment. Let me think about this. And I'm gonna, and I'm gonna come back and he'll probably freak out and be like, What? What , Right. Right. Like, my mom has done something different. And the great news is that if he's had a therapist who's trained in craft, it's gonna feel familiar to him and he's gonna be like, Oh, this feels really good.
[00:58:11] Maria: You know? Right, right. I noticed he had a great therapist at the program, the residential program he was at, and um, I noticed that he, I've been talking to him in that way and he appreciates it and he appreciate, Appreciated her skill. Yeah. The skills he was, she was using, so that, That's
[00:58:31] Brenda: great. Yeah. Awesome.
[00:58:34] Well, I'm so glad this worked out on the timing. I mean, we'll be thinking about you over the next 48 hours and touch base. Yes, thank you. Let us know what's going on. You're not alone. There's a hundred and something other moms. I know it doing the same thing. So we kinda lock arms on the weekends on Friday afternoons.
[00:58:52] It's like, all right, here we go.
[00:58:55] Maria: It's . Well, thank you so much, Brenda. This is so helpful. You're so welcome. I'm so wise and thank you so much for, I'm so happy that I, um, found out about this. I was feeling so
[00:59:08] Brenda: alone. Yeah, you're not, you are not alone. You got a bunch of us behind you and we would love to support you and, um, Yes.
[00:59:16] We'll, we'll just be with you through the weekend and keep us posted. Okay.
[00:59:20] Maria: Thank you so much, Brenda. Okay. Have a good rest of the, You too. Okay.
[00:59:25] Brenda: Bye-bye. Bye.